Dossier Van Gogh: gek of geniaal? (mad or genius)

August 29th, 2010

I am no art fan, but I had heard of Vincent van Gogh (1853 – 1890). Shortly after moving to Amsterdam, I found out that Van Gogh was in fact Dutch and that the Van Gogh museum was only 5 minutes cycling distance from where we lived. Naturally, I was excited with the prospect of becoming more knowledgeable about the fellow and his artwork. However, my expectations must have been set a bit too high… As I was leaving the museum, I could not help but think that I had paid too much entrance fee (€14) for a guy who was overrated because of a bunch of farm pictures he had painted. He was little known and little appreciated for his art during his short life span of 37 years. It was after his death that he became famous largely due to his sister-in-law’s continuous efforts to promote his work. At that time, I thought she had done an outstanding marketing job and made a nice living out of it…

When I saw the ad for ‘Dossier Van Gogh: gek of geniaal (=mad or genius)?’ exhibition at Dolhuys museum, I could not help but feel a pang of sympathy for Van Gogh… Even long after his death, people are still debating whether his paintings were the fruits of a sick mind or a genius. More than 150 psychiatrists have tried to pinpoint the cause of his mental ailments and have come up with some 30 different diagnoses… What difference does it make? Who cares?

Creativity requires some ‘craziness’.

Most of us live by gender norms, cultural norms, social norms, family norms, and other you-name-it norms. Most of the time we adopt these norms automatically—without even giving them a second thought, because they help us function smoothly in dealing with others. We all have this urge to want to ‘fit in’ and the norms we live by define what is ‘normal’. What is our first reaction when we meet someone who is not ‘normal’? We label them as crazy or ingenius or we simply can’t believe our eyes…

  • “Wow! That’s totally crazy!”
  • “That’s awesome! She must be a real genius!”
  • “That’s insane! Why would anyone do that sort of thing?”
  • “I can’t believe it!”

Isn’t it then ‘normal’ that we develop a tendency to label those who live outside the norms as ‘insane’?

(Here is some crazy behavior: In Turkey, it is customary for men to kiss each other on the cheek upon seeing each other—twice!—and sometimes with an accompanying hearty hug. I still get amused by the disbelieving look on the face of a ‘civilized’ western guy when caught off guard with this custom—which is totally ‘normal’ given Turkish cultural norms of course…)

“There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line,” says Oscar Levant (1906 – 1972). Is there really a fine line between genius and insanity? Or are genius and insanity the two ends of a spectrum? What does the spectrum look like? A line with two opposite ends or a circle with no end?

Artists are creative folks. Their courage to live outside the norms enables them to create some awesome stuff. They keep at it in the face of financial difficulty, disapproval from others, living as an outcast. I find it remarkable and praiseworthy. If anything, we all need to be a bit crazier in order to turn on the light of creativity in our lives…

Creativity has no place to blossom in a norm-defined life.


~~~


Johanna Gesina van Gogh – Bonger (1862 – 1925)

I owe an apology to this lady, who was Van Gogh’s sister-in-law. I was too quick to label her as just-a-smart-marketer of Van Gogh’s work after his death. My perception of her at the museum does great injustice to her life and personality. She had been married to Van Gogh’s brother Theo for only 1.5 years before Theo died. I read the memoir that her son (Van Gogh’s nephew) wrote for her and I was quite touched by her story.

Here is an excerpt from a letter she wrote to a friend taken from the memoir:

“The letters have taken a large place in my life already, since the beginning of Theo’s illness. The first lonely evening which I spent in our home after my return I took the package of letters. I knew that in them I should find him again. Evening after evening that was my consolation after the miserable days. It was not Vincent whom I was seeking but Theo. I drank in every word, I absorbed every detail. I not only read the letters with my heart, but with my whole soul. And so it has remained all the time. I have read them, and reread them, until I saw the figure of Vincent clearly before me. Imagine for one moment my ex-perience, when I came back to Holland – realizing the greatness and the nobility of that lonely artist’s life. Imagine my disappointment at the indifference which people showed, when it concerned Vincent and his work…. Sometimes it made me very sad. I remember how last year, on the day of Vincent’s death, I went out late in the evening. The wind blew, it rained, and it was pitch-dark. Everywhere in the houses I saw light and people gathered around the table. And I felt so forlorn that for the first time I understood what Vincent must have felt in those times, when every body turned away from him, when he felt “as if there were no place for him on earth…” I wished that I could make you feel the influence Vincent had on my life. It was he who helped me to accommodate my life in such a way that I can be at peace with myself. Serenity – this was the favorite word of both of them, the something they considered the highest. Serenity – I have found it. Since that winter, when I was alone, I have not been unhappy – “sorrowful yet always rejoicing,” that was one of his expressions, which I have come to understand now.”

Johanna made a great contribution to history by relentlessly promoting Van Gogh’s work. She was anything but ‘just-a-smart-marketer’.

More than that, she was an admirable mother.

~~~

–

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How to establish healthy relationships?

August 24th, 2010

I wrote this post first in Turkish, but then I wanted to also translate it into English. How difficult that proved to be! Lost in translation… Some things just cannot be translated and the gist of it disappears down the drain. Oh, well. Here is what is left without the gist :)

—

‘Sometimes, life is cruel.’ This is what a close relative of mine had told me on a really, really bad day of my life. I had to make a choice and either option was just as painful as the other one. I could not set my priorities straight. Life sometimes puts us through some cruel tests.

I had to think about me and make me my priority. This was the cruelty. I wanted to help the other person, but knew I really could not be of real help… And I knew that if I were to offer my help, it would not mean much anyways… And I knew that whatever I did, would not be enough and that more would be asked from me—until I would have nothing left to give… And most importantly, I knew that what was being asked from me would not solve the real underlying issue…

I was at the zoo yesterday watching butterflies emerging from their chrysalises and also chicks hatching from eggs. It was painfully slow. I wanted to reach out and give a hand, but they were nicely protected behind glass barriers from hands like mine. It seemed so difficult for them, yet so easy for me to help them. After 10 minutes, my daughter pulled me away. Neither the butterflies nor the chicks could come out of their shells in those 10 minutes. There were already two chicks that had already hatched, but they looked so tired and worn out. Just when I was wondering why no one bothered to give them any water, I noticed the sign on the wall: ‘New born chicks don’t eat or drink for some time. However, once they do, they start at it as if that’s what they have been doing all along.’

I don’t know about the chicks, but for butterflies they say that if you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it won’t be able to fly. It is the battle to break free that makes the butterfly fly.

Things are not much different when it comes to our relationships.

The three building blocks of a healthy relationship are: mutual respect, honesty and openness. In the long run, the presence of these elements builds mutual trust. Lack of any one of these elements will hamper the development of trust.

Sometimes we dismiss honesty and openness to save the day. Even though our intentions may be pure in doing so (such as protecting the other party), keeping secrets or telling white lies creates mistrust. For example, we usually hold off on giving bad news to our children or we keep secrets, because we don’t want to upset them with the truth. However, consistently behaving like this creates cracks in the foundation of our relationship with our children. No matter what the issue is, if it involves our children or if they have a right to know, we have to be honest and open about it. We have to figure out the best way to deliver the news in a language that is appropriate for their age. This is our challenge as a parent if we want to establish a long-lasting and healthy relationship with our children.

As counter intuitive as it is, love does not enter the equation in order to establish a healthy relationship. In fact, love stands in the way towards building a healthy relationship, because along with love comes other accompanying feelings, expectations and urges: to protect the one we love from getting hurt, to watch out for their best interest, to expect to be loved back…

We have to keep love in our hearts where it belongs. Living a life without love is like eating food with no flavor. However, we will not build our relationships based on love, but on respect-honesty-openness triangle. Should the relationship no longer continue one day, then love will stay with us always.

In our relationships, we have to hold the mirror to both parties. If there are problems in our relatioship, we shall first take a good look at ourselves in the mirror:

  1. Do I respect the other person’s decisions, choices, and personality? (I can listen to the other person with respect and do not try to change the other person in any way.)
  2. Given the problems we are experiencing in our relationship, am I being honest to the other person?
  3. Have I opened all my cards on the table? In other words, have I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings? (I am not keeping any secrets.)

Unfortunately, in most of our relationships, we can’t answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. We don’t have to answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. However, if we have people in our lives that we truly care about and we want to establish an authentic and deep relationship with them, then our answers to all these questions have to be ‘yes.’ If we can’t say ‘yes’, then we have to open our communication channels. This may not be very easy. The other person may not want to hear the truth or may be angry with you… Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to do the right thing. When being honest to one’s self is already no small feat, being able to be honest to the other person? This is why carrying on peaceful relationships can be a major challenge.

If we have been able to say ‘yes’ to all three questions from our heart and there are still problems in our relationship, then it is time to look at how the other party is treating us. We shall now ask these questions to ourselves:

  1. Does the other party show respect to my personality, choices and decisions? (The other person listens to me and does not try to change me.)
  2. Is the other party being honest with me?
  3. Has the other party put all their cards on the table? In other words, has the other party been open about what s/he thinks and feels? (S/he is not keeping secrets from me.)

We can never know the true answer to the last 2 questions—it’s more of a gut feeling that we get, because we can never know another person 100%. However, we will have an answer for the first question right away. If the other person does not listen to us, dismisses our thoughts and feelings, tries to change us, then we need to realize that the other party does not respect us.

Let’s say that one or both parties insist that they are trying to help the other and trying to show them the ‘right’ way for their own good. If we all have free will, then isn’t everyone entitled to choose for themselves? How does being in a relationship change all that?

Hence, if you are in a relationship and you believe that you truly abide by the respect-honesty-openness triangle, yet you feel you are not being respected by the other party, then it is time for you to take a step back in the relationship. Wait a bit. Let the butterfly break out of its chrysalis. Let it fly without your help. If it flutters by your window, oh what a joy that should be…

–

Butterfly Emergence

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İlişkilerimiz ve biz: Nasıl sağlıklı bir ilişki kurabiliriz?

August 24th, 2010

‘Hayat bazen çok acımasız.’ Çok kötü bir günümde bir yakınım böyle söylemişti bana. Ne yapmam gerektiğine bir türlü karar veremiyordum, önümü net göremiyordum. Hayat acımasızlıklarla insanı sınar.

İnsan en önce kendisini düşünecek. Acımasızlık burda. Karşındakine vermek isteyip, ama gerçekten veremeyeceğini bilmek… Veya verdiğinin bir işe yaramayacağını bilmek… Veya ne versen yetmeyeceğini, karşındakinin senden daha fazla isteyeceğini bilmek… Taa ki verecek birşeyin kalmayana kadar. Veya ısrarla istenen şeyin esas sorunu çözmeyeceğini bilmek…

Dün hayvanat bahçesinde uzun uzun kozadan çıkmaya çalışan kelebekleri ve de yumurtadan çıkmaya çalışan civcivleri seyrettim. İçim eridi. Sanki bir ömür sürüyor. Uzanıp da yardım etmek geliyor içimden, ama erişemiyorum… Epey bakmama rağmen gitme vakti geldiğinde ne kelebekler kozadan çıkmayı becerebilmişlerdi ne de civcivler yumurtalarının kabuklarını tamamıyla kırıp dışarı çıkabilmişlerdi… İki tane civciv vardı yumurtalarından zaten çıkmış olan. Ama o kadar bitkin görünüyorlardı ki… Sanki ölecek gibiydiler. ‘Bunlara niye birisi su vermiyor?’ diye geçirdim içimden. Tam o anda duvardaki bir yazı dikkatimi çekti: ‘Yeni doğan civcivler yumurtadan çıkınca bir süre hiç birşey yemez ve içmezler. Ama canlanınca sanki en doğal şeymiş gibi yemlerini yiyip su içmeye başlarlar.’

Civcivleri bilmiyorum, ama kelebek kozaları için derler ki: ‘Eğer kelebeğin kozasından çıkmasına yardım ederseniz, o kelebek uçamaz.’ Kelebeğin kozadan çıkmak için verdiği savaş, onun özgürce uçmasına sebeptir.

İlişkilerimizde bazen biz de kaş yaparken göz çıkarabiliyoruz.

Sağlıklı ilişkilerin temelinde olması gerekenler: karşılıklı saygı, dürüstlük ve açıklık. Zaman içinde bu 3 özellik ilişkide karşılıklı güven duygusunun oluşmasına yol açar. İlişkide bu 3 temel esas alınmaz ise karşılıklı güven oluşması çok zordur.

Bazen anı kurtarmak için dürüstlükten veya açıklıktan feragat ederiz. Sebeplerimiz arasında karşımızdaki insanı korumak amacı olsa bile dürüst ve açık olmamak güvensizlik yaratır. Çocuklarımıza kötü haber vermek istemeyiz, bazı şeyleri saklarız onlardan, çünkü onları üzmek istemeyiz. Fakat bu davranış ilişkinin temelinde gizli çatlaklar oluşturur. Haber ne kadar kötü olursa olsun, onu bir şekilde söyleyebilmeliyiz. Bu da ebeveyn olarak bizim imtihanımız—tabii ki çocuğumuzla olan ilişkimiz bizim için önemli ise…

Sağlıklı bir ilişki için karşılıklı sevgiye gerek yoktur. Bilakis sevgi bazen ilişkiyi zedeleyecek kararlar aldırtabilir bize… Çünkü beraberinde koruma ve kollama hislerini de getirir.

Sevgiyi kalbimizin içinde koruyacağız. Hayatımıza sevgi dolu yaklaşacağız fakat ilişkilerimizde sevgiyi değil saygı-dürüstlük-açıklık 3’lüsünü temel alacağız. Olur da ilişki gün gelir zarar görürse, karşımızdakine karşı duyduğumuz sevgi daima bizle kalacak.

İçinde bulunduğumuz ilişkilerde aynayı iki taraflı tutmak gerekir. Eğer ilişkide problemler varsa, önce iyicene bir kendimize bakacağız:

  1. Karşımdakinin kararlarına, kişiliğine saygı duyuyor muyum? (Karşımdakini dinliyorum ve kendi fikirlerimin doğruluğunda ısrar etmeyip karşımdakini değiştirmeye çalışmıyorum.)
  2. İçinde bulunduğumuz problemli durumda ben dürüst müyüm?
  3. Kartlarımın hepsini masaya açıp karşımdakine gösterdim mi?

Maalesef içinde bulunduğumuz bu dünyada çoğu ilişkilerde bu soruların cevapları ‘evet’ değil. Olmak zorunda da değil, fakat bizim için gerçekten önemli insanlar varsa hayatımızda ve onlarla gerçek, içten ve samimi bir ilişki içinde olmak istiyorsak bu soruların cevaplarının hepsinin evet olması gerek. Eğer bu cevaplara evet diyemiyorsak, evet diyebilmek için iletişim kanallarımızı açmamız gerek. Bu hiç kolay olmayabilir. Karşımızdaki bunu kabul etmeyebilir, gerçekleri duymak sinirlendirebilir… Bazen doğru olanı yapmak herkesi zorlayabilir. İnsanın kendi kendine dürüst olabilmesi bile zorken, karşısındakine dürüst olabilmesi? İşte bu yüzden ilişkiler zordur.

Eğer bu 3 soruya gönülden evet cevabı verebildiysek ve ilişkide hala problem varsa, o zaman karşımızdakine bakacağız. Fakat bunu da kendi içimizde yapacağız:

  1. Benim kararlarıma ve kişiliğime saygı duyuyor mu? (Beni dinliyor ve kendi fikirlerinin doğruluğunda ısrar etmeyip beni değiştirmeye çalışmıyor.)
  2. Bana karşı dürüst mü?
  3. Bütün kartlarını masaya açtı mı yoksa sakladığı başka şeyler de mi var?

Son 2 sorunun cevabını tam olarak hiç bir zaman bilemeyiz—sadece bazen belki hissedebiliriz, çünkü kimse kimsenin içini tam olarak bilemez. Fakat 1. sorunun cevabını hemen bilebiliriz. Karşımızdaki kendisinin haklı olduğunda ısrar edip, bizim kararlarımızı değiştirmeye çalışıyorsa, o zaman bilin ki karşınızdaki size saygı göstermiyor.

Diyelim ki her iki taraf da birbirinin iyiliği için bazı şeylerde ısrar ediyor ve aklınca karşısındakini ‘doğru’ yola getirmeye çalışıyor. Allah insanları özgür iradeyle yaratmış. Allah’ın bize kul olarak verdiği doğru ve yanlış davranma özgürlüğünü kul kulun elinden nasıl alabilir?

Eğer bir ilişkide siz elinizden gelen 3 temele göre davrandığınız halde karşınızdakinin size saygı duymadığını hissediyorsanız, ilişkide bir geri adım atma zamanı gelmiş demektir. Biraz bekleyin. Kelebek kozadan çıksın. Sizin yardımınız olmadan uçsun. Eğer dönüp de sizin pencerinize konarsa ne mutlu size…

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Kelebek kozadan nasıl çıkıyor?

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How to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles?

August 14th, 2010

“Mama! Mamaa!! Mamaaa!!! … Crocodile! Crocodile!” whimpers my two-year-old, DD2, as tears swell up in her eyes. “Here!!! Crocodile! Mamaa!!!”

Her fear is real. She SEES a crocodile. Is there REALLY a crocodile? I don’t SEE one, but does that mean there is no crocodile?

What can I do?

I could deny her claim and try to prove my point by ‘showing’ her that there is nothing to see. But if it’s I who can’t see the crocodile and she is the one who sees it, how can I make her ‘unsee’ what she claims to see? How can I make her crocodile disappear?

Denial is usually not the best approach, because it rarely works. As a general rule of thumb, never deny a child’s claims as it can be interpreted in one or more of the following ways:

  • “Mom does not believe me!”
  • “Mom thinks I’m lying…”
  • “Mom can’t help save me from this crocodile, because she can’t see it!”
  • “I don’t believe Mom!”
  • “Mom is lying… She is just as scared as I am, but she won’t admit it.”

So what works? The expert advice revolves around the following:

  1. Acknowledge the fear in a neutral way – no putdowns, no overreactions.
  2. Talk about it.
  3. If it gets out of hand, ask for professional help.

This advice sounds nice and everything, but it’s not so effective when it comes to dealing with toddlers. Why? First of all, talking to a toddler is overrated. Second of all, parental creativity is underrated—in fact, it’s hardly ever mentioned.

Here is the story of my fierce battle with the crocodile:

Our crocodile first appeared when DD2 was taking a bath in her tub filled with a whole bunch of water toys. I didn’t see ‘it’ coming. It all happened very quickly. All of a sudden, DD2 started shrieking and tried to jump out of her tub. At first, I thought she must have hurt herself, although I couldn’t see how. She was absolutely t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. Then I had the wits to ask her what it was and she let out a wail, “Crocodile! In the water! Crocodile!” Upon hearing this, I kept my cool and started taking out all the toys from the tub to ‘show’ her that there were no crocodiles, which of course, proved useless. She just kept on screaming and became so agitated that she started flailing all arms and legs. I was quickly losing control of the situation and I screamed for my husband to help me get her out of the tub.

The next night, she would not get in the tub. I even emptied the whole tub in front of her and told her, “Look the crocodile is going away with the water.” There was no point in reasoning with her. According to her, the crocodile was not going anywhere.

Needless to say, DD2 has not yet taken another bath in her tub again. The crocodile had sabotaged the peaceful, fun filled baths that were also part of our bedtime routine. See how many problems just one invisible crocodile can create? 1. Fearful kid, 2. Kid won’t take a bath, 3. Bedtime routine interrupted… So help me God!

I let the matter rest a few days and did not wash her. However, I was determined to make bathtime enjoyable again and I had a brilliant idea: we were going to blow bubbles. I took her shopping with me and let her buy a new bottle of shampoo and a bottle of bubbles to blow. I told her we were going to blow bubbles in the bathroom. I did not fill the tub; instead, I let her sit on her step stool and gave her the showerhead, which made her very happy. We blew some bubbles and then I washed her. At some point, she did mention the crocodile, but I told her that it would be going down the drain with the water. We waved goodbye as it went down the drain…

Alas, my victory was short-lived. A few days later, the crocodile was on our bed—not under the bed like where they are supposed to be…

Again, I was caught off-guard. We were getting nicely settled in the bed with a book (we co-sleep), when all of a sudden DD2 froze. She was holding her breath as her eyes opened wide and large. Her gaze was fixated on a particular spot on the bed. The croc was in our bed.

I have to tell you here that until then DD2 had not seen crocodiles in her entire life—except in picture books. I have neither told her frightening stories about crocodiles nor threatened to feed her to the crocodiles. In fact, crocodiles are hardly ever mentioned in our household, so I have no idea how she could have conjured up an image of a fearsome crocodile—and that is, if she is making it up… Some people do say kids can see what adults can’t see…

Anyways, back to how I beat the invisible beast that crept into our bed… After I got over my initial shock, I had to think really fast to prevent the situation getting out of hand. The bathroom episode was still painfully fresh in my memory… Fight or flight? Fight, of course. I made a dash for the first weapon that came into my sight: the badminton rackets.

I started whacking the bed while I shooed away the crocodile. I like to think DD2 was so impressed by my bravery that she decided to join my cause. I kept telling the croc that it had to go sleep in its own bed at its home. After a few minutes, we both started laughing as we continued to beat the beast. It was almost as if we were fighting a boggart and chasing it away with the ‘Riddikulus’ charm…

It did go away that night. However, it kept coming back and I could feel my trick losing its power. I could not fight an invisible crocodile. Sometimes she was even waking up and crying in the middle of the night saying that it was there. Besides, engaging in the whack-a-beast activity was not exactly conducive to sleep. What was I to do?

It was around this time that I read the advice on the internet about how to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles. I had done everything they had told me to do: acknowledge the fear, talk about it, etc. Was asking for professional help the only option left for me? Oh, no. I was not ready to take a professional’s advice over mine. Not just yet.

The following night when the croc came around, I totally changed tactics. I was not going to revert to ‘fight or flight’ strategy, but instead I decided to ‘tend and befriend’ the beast. So, instead of running for the badminton rackets, I invited the croc to come lie down with us and listen to the book we were going to read. Naturally, my reaction startled DD2. The element of surprise won over her fear. Not wanting to lose my advantage, I told the croc that it would have to sit quietly and then go to its own bed after listening to one page. I asked DD2 if that was okay. She nodded in approval. Yes! I was ecstatic, but kept my cool, of course. We proceeded likewise for a couple of weeks, but there came a night when DD2 said nothing about the crocodile. The crocodile had finally left us alone!

Our adventure with the crocodile lasted about two months. It was about four months ago that the crocodile crept in bed with us one last time to listen to a story. Since then, DD2 has seen a real crocodile at the zoo, to which she did not show an extreme fearful reaction. In fact, I am happy to observe that a lot of her animal related fears are also slowly subsiding.

I have talked to other parents and heard from them that fears around the age of two seem to be an issue with many children. So, before you decide to ask for professional help, talk to other parents and listen to their stories—of course, coming up with your own creative solution is always an option.

Here is my cup of tea for parents who worry about their young children’s fears:

1. Fear is real. Accept it with respect.

Accept the fact that fear is a part of life. A healthy dose of fear will go a long way protecting young children from getting themselves into dangerous situations. Young children can be fearful of new situations/events/people/animals/foods. This is their way of defending themselves. As they get to know what they are dealing with, their fear should subside and disappear eventually.

2. Get over your own fears. Don’t let your child’s fear worry you.

The last thing a fearful child needs is a worrisome/fearful parent nearby. A child will feel a parent’s worry/fear—just like a dog that smells fear. A parent’s worrisome, fearful reactions will escalate a child’s fear. If you have fear of dogs, the odds are your child will also be fearful of dogs—unless you successfully avoid situations involving a dog encounter.

3. Talk about the fear.

The whole point of talking is for the parent to find out what the source of the child’s fear is. By stating the problem clearly, it is easier to find a solution. Let your child do the talking and refrain from asking questions (or keep your questions very simple). A young child’s mind is very imaginative and just by asking too many questions, a parent may inadvertently ‘feed’ the fear and make it bigger. For example, once I found out that it was a crocodile, I did not ask DD2 any questions about the length of the crocodile or the number of sharp teeth it had.

4. Don’t talk about your own fears.

Your child is not your psychologist. Talking about your fears will overwhelm your young child even more.

5. Talk about solutions.

As a parent, you have to lead the way to coming up with solutions to the problem. However, get your child’s approval in the process. Are you going to fight the beast or befriend him? Does it comfort your child to leave the lights on? Can you help your child make friends with the fear?

If you feel you are not getting anywhere, ask for help from your partner and other parents to give you ideas for solutions.

6. Use distraction.

The timeless solution for dealing with many young children’s emotionally charged situations is distraction. If you feel you are getting in a rut and/or your child is getting frustrated and more fearful, switch to another activity (preferably an activity that you know your child likes).

7. Don’t dwell too much on the child’s fear.

Fears are a part of life. We all have our fears and our children are also entitled to have their own fears. As we go through life, fears come in all shapes and sizes: some go away quickly; some stay with us for a long time.

Dwelling on the fears makes it larger. Fear attracts fear. Have you ever sat around a bonfire and told each other spooky ghost tales? Do you remember how the fear and the suspense grow with every tale that is told? It’s not much different when dealing with your child’s fear. The more you dwell on it, the more it grows.

If you have additional ideas that you would like to share about your child’s fears, please drop me a line. I would love to read your comments.

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Helpful links:

  1. Fears
  2. Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight
  3. Tend and Befriend
  4. Can animals really smell fear?
  5. What is a boggart?
  6. The ‘Riddikulus’ charm

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Posted in feelings-relationships, parenting | No Comments »

Het Huis Anubis — The House of Anubis

August 2nd, 2010

I was looking for something interesting to watch for my two-year-old daughter, DD2, when I stumbled upon this girl, Nienke, singing ‘Het Huis Anubis’ (HHA, The House of Anubis). The audience was composed of kids who were 6 to 12 years old. I was surprised to see everybody in the crowd singing along with the singer. They all seemed to know the lyrics. What gave me the goosebumps was the name ‘Anubis’ being sung with such heartfelt enthusiasm by children.

Have you heard of Anubis? He is the black jackal-headed Egyptian god who is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead. His symbol is a blood splattered black and white ox-hide hanging from a pole.

Do you see why it disturbs me to see a bunch of kids dance to a song so whole-heartedly?  Do any of those kids even know what Anubis refers to???

He is the God of the Afterlife.

And what is Het Huis Anubis? It is not just a song. It is a theme song for the famous Belgian/Dutch children’s television drama, Het Huis Anubis. It has been so popular with teens that it is spreading like wildfire all over the planet. First, it was dubbed in Swedish, Danish, and Spanish. Afterwards, a German remake came out in September 2009. Finally, an English remake will start airing on Nickelodeon this fall in the U.S. (and later on in the U.K. and in Australia).

HHA tells the story of a bunch of teens living in a boarding school called the House of Anubis, which guards a secret.

Maybe it truly is a wonderful teen soap. Maybe there are good messages in it for our children. Maybe I should watch it before I start criticizing it…

However, I am so baffled by the choice of the title for this series that I am tempted to write about it before I even consider watching it. Why not some other name? J. K. Rowling has been exceptionally creative with coming up fictitious names for countless characters in her famous series, Harry Potter. Why couldn’t the creator/writer/producer come up with something else? Could it be they had no idea what Anubis means? In all my curiosity, I looked up the creator/producer/writer… I could not find a name. All that pops up on the internet is Studio 100 or Nickelodeon – so who is the genius behind the name? [Dear reader: if you can answer any of my questions, please by all means, enlighten me!]

It is no coincidence that I mentioned Harry Potter. I have come across some religious parents who forbid their children to read Harry Potter because they believe it promotes witchcraft and wizardry, which is a big ‘no-no’ in most religions. I wonder how these parents react to their children watching HHA on Nickelodeon… Is that okay?

The name is not the only thing that bothers me. It is also the logo of the series that caught my eye.

If you are into symbology, you already know what I am talking about. If not, here is the quickie on what the ‘eye’ that stands in place of the ‘A’ in ‘Anubis’ means: the “all-seeing-eye” whose origins can be traced back to ancient Egyptian mythology and also represents the eye of ‘God the Father’, the all-knowing and ever-present God in Christianity. By incorporating the ‘eye’ into the word ‘Anubis’, the logo insinuates the idea that the God of the Dead is God the Father (or vice versa). Can somebody honestly tell me this was a coincidence and they did not know what they were doing???

I don’t care what kind of story is being told in the series. Just by looking at the title and the logo, I want to ask this question: What is the underlying/subconscious message being sent to children/teenagers all over the planet?

In fact, it is not the first time that the name Anubis has been used on television. He is a character in Stargate SG-1, depicted as a most powerful and dangerous being. Here is a quote from another character, Selmak, describing Anubis, “You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable. Even to the Goa’uld.” However, I don’t have issues with this usage, because: 1) Stargate is not meant as a children’s show; 2) Anubis is one of many fictional ‘gods’ that are being utilized in the series; and 3) He is not exactly a sympathetic character.

As I have said before, maybe I am overreacting, maybe there is a perfectly good reason for this choice of title, maybe it’s actually a very good story, maybe it’s making our children aware of what is good and bad, maybe this is a wonderful way to familiarize our children with ancient symbology…

Nonetheless, how am I going to explain all this to my own 10-year-old kid if she ever wants to watch this soap? And even if she is not interested in watching, she will still be subject to all the ads promoting the series on television, thus, the subliminal message in the title.

How many of you parents out there are okay with the fact that your kid may enjoy watching a soap that tells the story of a bunch of kids living in the House of the God of the Dead?

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Helpful links:

  1. Nienke, Het Huis Anubis
  2. Anubis (wikipedia)
  3. Anubis (www.egyptian myths.net)
  4. Het Huis Anubis (wikipedia)
  5. Het Huis Anubis (nickelodeon)
  6. Studio 100: US breakthrough with Anubis House
  7. House of Anubis moves from Belgium to Liverpool and the US with a first for Lime Pictures
  8. J. K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter
  9. Eye Christian Symbol
  10. Eye of Providence
  11. Stargate Anubis

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Setting limits for ourselves and our children

July 29th, 2010

“Cut it smaller!” said our two-year-old daughter, DD2.

“Is this good?” asked the well-meaning, patient dad as he cut a slice of pepperoni in half.

“No, cut it smaller!” whined DD2.

“Even smaller… Like this?” asked dad as he cut the pepperoni into even tinier quarters.

“No, smaller, smaller!” whined DD2 with a higher and more annoying tone of voice.

“Honey, please stop. That’s small enough.” said I, the exasperated mom.

“But sweetheart, I read this article the other day that talked about listening to one’s kids…”

–

That article happens to be my previous post … :)

Listening to our kids is very important but setting limits is equally important for us and our children. The dangers of listening and then doing as we are told are many. If we ever want to have a good (=peaceful, friendly, enjoyable, thougtful, honest, etc.) relationship with our children, it’s not going to happen if we only listen to them and do their bidding. Of course, we can listen and NOT do their bidding…

Listen or not to listen? The answer is simple: to listen. So that’s not the problem. To do or not to do as we are told by our children is the real problem. Fortunately, there IS a middle way, which is extremely difficult to reach. We will move from one extreme to another like a pendulum until we find that peaceful medium. This dance between the extremes and finding the balance is what I call the ‘art of parenting’.

What’s wrong with doing what we are told to do? Nothing. It’s a matter of choice and our choices are largely influenced by:

a) our character/personality;

b) our experiences with our own parents;

c) cultural influences;

d) our immediate mood.

I have seen a vast array of parents ranging from those who try to do everything for their children to those who are content observing their children.

We need to set aside all the factors that shape our choices and tune into ‘the moment of struggle’. Our kids are different; times are different; situations we find ourselves in are different. Even though there may be similarities, if we put everything together (person + time + place + event), we ALWAYS end up with a unique situation.

This does not mean that there are no guidelines for the parent to be a parent. After all, we ARE the parents—the grownups—and even though at times it seems like our kids DO run our lives and our household, we need to keep the following in mind.

1. A kid does not run the household.

Who cleans the house? Who does the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishwashing, the ironing, the cooking, etc.? Who takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick? Who earns the money to pay for all the food, the clothing, the home, the games, the toys, the holidays, the techno gadgets? Yes, you guessed right. WE, the PARENTS do!!!

The parents are in charge and they are the ones taking care of the kids. We, as parents, already do a whole lot of stuff for our kids without them even asking for it! So chill, if you feel guilty you didn’t get the itouch that your kids wanted so badly from you. They will live.

2. Set YOUR limits.

Think of limits as a field of tall grass. The grass bows to the wind in order to keep its peaceful existence. A strong wind may flatten the grass as long as it lasts, but as soon as the wind is gone, the grass raises itself once more gracefully—unharmed. Our children are our wind: sometimes a breeze, sometimes a hurricane.

Planting a field of tall grass and then taking care of it so that it does not wither away are not easy tasks, but they’re important. It gives us—the parents—and our children a nice playing field.

Just like every child being unique, every parent is unique. Thus, every parent has a different idea of what kind of field they would like to plant: how big it will be, what kind of grass to plant, how often to trim the grass, etc.

We reach, what I call, our ‘boiling point’ when we neglect our field of grass and our dear wind starts to wreak havoc on our crops, i.e., when we let things slide and let our kids push our (their) limits. Our household starts brewing like a witch’s cauldron: we get frustrated and/or angry and scream at our children; in return they scream back at us; we wonder where we went wrong and how our dear little angels turned into such spoiled brats.

We need to set our own limits with our own children – not the neighbor’s limits. (We got these extremely cute polka-dotted wooden clogs for DD2. She loves thomping around the house in those clogs, but after about 5 minutes of tock-tock-tock-clickety-clock, I have enough. The first day, after 10 minutes of toleration, I blurted out inadvertently, “Sweetie, it’s too much noise for the neighbors. Take the clogs off.” My husband joined forces with me and our DD2 stomped even harder. Oops!!! Our household just reached the ‘boiling point’: she protested loudly, I got even more frustrated, my husband joined my frustration. First of all, why did I tell her about the neighbors? The neighbors had not complained—yet. It was I—the mama—who was annoyed! Who knows whether the neighbors were even at home or not? Maybe our neighbors’ noise tolerance is way more than 10 minutes… I don’t know! What I know is my own limit, but I was not paying attention to that until the noise was getting totally on my nerves and even then I had to use the neighbors as an excuse… The next morning, when DD2 headed towards her beloved clogs, my husband tried to create a new rule in the house and announced that the clogs were not to be worn inside because the noise could disturb the neighbors—again the not-yet-complaining neighbor’s limits were being enforced… Our pendulum just swung from 10 minute toleration to 0 minute toleration. Ding dong! You know what I mean? Our solution: let her walk around a bit—not more than 5 minutes!—and then tell her to walk barefoot. Limit set, kid happy, parents happy.)

One last note on setting limits: set your limits so that you still have enough patience or tolerance to deal with any setbacks the wind may blow in your direction.

3. Listen to yourself, listen to your kid.

Setting limits is a tricky business and you will discover that it is a process that keeps changing and evolving over time. Some limits will be discarded naturally whereas some may stick around and some will have to be changed.

A child’s growth rate is much faster than that of the parent’s, which presents an interesting challenge for the parent. Our job as a parent is to be one step ahead of the game if we don’t want to find ourselves in situations where we feel like we want to smack our kid.

The key to successfully managing our ever-changing interaction with our kid is to listen. Listen to our own inner child AND listen to our kids. Understand where everybody is coming from and come up with a win-win solution. This requires mindful thinking, patience, understanding, honesty, and good communication skills. Like I said, it is no small feat!

4. Preserve the dignity of every household member.

It is important to preserve the dignity of each and every household member when we are setting limits and protecting our boundaries. Even though children may seem ‘childish’ and behave as if they don’t understand any of the stuff that is happening, it is important we show them the respect that they deserve as human beings. And as parents, we are not to be our children’s slaves, but their guides and beacons in life. Make sure that you set your limits in a way that does not take away your dignity. This way your children will always respect you for being who you are.

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Listening to our children

July 26th, 2010

“Only remember one thing before you go home—love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

excerpt from Portraits (1979) by Cynthia Freeman

I had written this quote on a piece of paper 19 years ago when I was 19. (How weird is that!!?) I stumbled upon it when I was flipping through an old notebook in my parents’ house. I don’t even remember what the book was about. However, this part must have struck a chord with me because I went through the trouble of writing it down and dating it August 17, 1991.

Maybe I was leaving a message for my future self…

No, not MAYbe. I WAS leaving a message for my future self.

If there is anything I have learned in life so far; it is the simple fact that there are no coincidences. If I happen upon a piece of paper that I wrote 19 years ago when I was 19, it is too wacky a coincidence to be a coincidence. You know what I mean? I mean it was no coincidence. It just was meant to be.

I think I know why I wrote it down. Most of my life, I have felt that my mother was not listening to me. She claimed she knew what was best for me; she claimed to do the right things for me; she claimed that some of my choices were wrong; she claimed she knew me better than I knew myself. You get the picture? (Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to bash my mother, in fact, I truly believe that her intentions were pure and she meant no harm. She is a wonderful person with a heart of gold and I love her dearly. After all, I am who I am partly because of her, so if I bash her, that means I bash a part of myself!)

Now that I have children of my own, one thing I try to do is to listen. I make every effort to listen to them, to understand where they are coming from to give them the space for their personalities to flourish.

After I came across Cynthia’s quote, I began thinking again. Do I listen enough? And do my kids listen to me? Because being listened to is just as important as listening. Listening and being listened to are like two sides of a coin. If I don’t listen, then how can I expect my children to listen to me? If my children don’t listen to what I say, are they to blame or am I to blame? (Well, I never want to blame anybody for anything, but being human and all, when things don’t work out the way we want them to, most of us like to point a finger at something to ease our frustrations—even though it is not the most constructive way of resolving problems.)

Listening to children is not an easy task at all. The fact that our babies are born ‘speechless’ makes it even harder, because we—the parents—have to figure out what they are ‘saying’. This is especially challenging for first-time parents since they are totally unprepared for baby language 101, which consists mostly of crying.

However, ask any experienced mother and they can easily distinguish between cries of hunger and cries of boredom. In fact, there is a long list of different cries ranging from the ‘change-me-I-pooped’ cries, to ‘pick-me-up-I-want-to-be-held’ cries, to ‘I-don’t-want-this’ cries, to ‘play-with-me’ cries, to ‘I’m-tired-but-can’t-sleep’ cries, etc.

Unfortunately, they don’t teach us how to listen to a baby at school—maybe they should! Most people get annoyed with crying babies and children, because they don’t know how to listen. All they want is for the baby to shut up. Now, I, on the other hand, get annoyed with those people, because here is a being who is trying to communicate in the best way s/he can what his/her problem is. These precious little beings are our future and it is up to us to help them the best way we can. We bring them into this world. Is it not our responsibility to try to understand them? If we just expect them to do our bidding, then how is our relationship with our children any different than that of a master-slave relationship?

There is some good advice to first-time parents about why babies cry and how to stop it. The advice consists mainly of telling parents to make sure that all the baby’s physical and emotional needs are met, i.e., feeding, changing diapers, dressing appropriately, gas pains, etc. If all the baby’s needs are met and the baby is still crying, the advice is to tell the parents to relax because it is normal for the average baby to cry about 1,5 to 2 hours per day for no reason at all.

Well, this is the part where I have to raise my voice and say, “Objection!” Just because WE don’t understand why a baby is crying does NOT mean that the baby is crying for ‘no reason at all’. A crying baby is definitely trying to communicate something. WE are the ones who are incapable of deciphering its message.

Moreover, the ‘average’ baby does not exist. WE have created the ‘average’ baby to make OUR lives easier. In the process, we have done great injustice to every baby’s unique existence. Even though I write it out like this, I am still guilty of comparing my children to some phantom average child to reassure myself that my children are ‘normal’. And what if they’re not ‘normal’? What then?

We have to stop measuring our kids against a benchmark that does not exist.

Instead of relying on the ‘average’ baby/kid advice to approach our children, we can start listening to our kids and learn from them. We have to stop responding to them based on the ‘average’ kid model. For example, feeding our babies is usually based on the ‘average’ kid model: what to feed our babies, when and how often we need to breastfeed, when to start introducing solids, what should they eat as they grow older, etc. However, the ‘average’ baby feeding model has failed me with both my children. And you know what? Even though I tried in the same way, they both turned out to have totally different feeding habits and preferences. How remarkable is that!

Sleep advice is also based on the ‘average’ kid model and when it boils down to applying it to the individual kid, most of the time, it.just.does.not.work!

Learning to listen to our children is the key to establishing and keeping good communication channels with them. It starts with tuning into the baby talk and then just blossoms into more beautiful and meaningful interactions with our children. Listening is not simply done with ears. We need to rely on all our five senses plus more—our sixth sense, our feelings, our intuition, our hearts. Only when we are capable of ‘listening’ with total sincerity and respect, can our children make themselves be heard and be open to listen to what we have to say.

Like Cynthia Freeman said, “Love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

How do you listen to your children?

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The Illusion of Civilization

July 6th, 2010

[June 24, 2010, Adana, Turkey]

I wake up to the sound of the howling wind, the lightning flashes in the far distance, and a slamming door. I sit up in bed, my heart racing.

What is this?

Unexpected weather. That’s all it is. Had it been in a northern country in the middle of the winter, it would have been totally normal. I would be nicely cuddled under the covers, with the heater on, with tightly insulated doors and windows… A storm brewing outside? Not a care in the world… It is expected.

But here? In Adana, Turkey, at the end of June? Totally unexpected. And it makes me worry. Global cooling?  (Hey, ‘global-warming-worry’ is now getting old. I need a new worry :-) )

We have been here for only two weeks and I have been annoyed with the warm weather, the cold weather, the power cuts, the leaking water tank, the hot water, the cold water, the slow internet, the road rage. Where is the western civilization? I don’t want to feel any fluctuation in weather temperature. I don’t want to have to deal with the water temperature or the water pressure of my shower. I don’t want power cuts. Lights go out when I flip the switch—not randomly! And internet: the slow speed is killing me—okay, I can handle that, but then how do I handle the fact that I can’t access youtube?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION! Where the heck are you?

I look outside the window. The crazy wind has gone; it is eerily quiet. Lovely view outside: the lake shimmering with twinkling city lights in the distance; the moon looking old like a shriveled potato near the horizon. The usual frog chatter is missing and there is utter tranquility on our side of the lake— but now I hear drums in the distance… If I were on a safari in Africa, the sound would be expected, but here? It sounds creepy and annoying. (See? I have found something else to be annoyed with.) Are we in a tribal country? No. So what are these drum sounds? Can somebody please make them stop? It’s getting on my nerves! WESTERN CIVILIZATION! Where the heck are you???

…

[July 6, 2010, Amsterdam, Netherlands]

The Netherlands has beaten Uruguay 3-2 and now is in the World Cup final.

Sitting at home in the heart of Amsterdam, I hear the ‘western civilization’ go utterly wild outside.

I was out earlier today with my children and made every effort to get myself back home before 7 pm, because I wanted to avoid that overly enthusiastic crowd eagerly waiting to fill in various pubs and cafes to watch the match beginning at 8:30 pm. Cycling towards home before 7 pm, the streets were already busy with people clad in all sorts of orange gear—hats, wigs, glasses, stockings, etc. (you-name-it-they’ve-got-it!). The police was slowly taking their positions in strategic spots to prevent any enthusiast turning into an aggressor/aggrevator. Traffic was already turning into a mess with reckless cyclists and pedestrians… I had to keep an extra close watch on my 10 year old kid. Uhm, western civilization, where the heck are you???

And now the noise emanating from the whole city sounds like a torrential rain mixed with saxophones, drum beats, disco beat, honking cars, police sirens, car alarms going off… It is to be expected, though, right? We are in the World Cup final!!! Party, party, party, western civilization!

May I be annoyed? It is 11:15 pm and I would like to go to bed and sleep. Can somebody please stop the madness outside?

HEY, BUT THIS IS EXPECTED!!!

I guess this is the secret of western civilization. Even the madness and the craziness are planned in such a way that they are EXPECTED. Most about everything is EXPECTED. Nothing unexpected happens. (We had a water outage for one hour yesterday – the first that I have encountered in the last two years and even THAT was planned. Oh, the beauty and the predictability of western civilization…) And when something unexpected happens, it is because of dear Mother Nature. She strikes down with a hurricane or an earthquake or a volcano… How unpredictable and inconvenient… Shame on you Mother Nature, for bringing uncertainty into our lives!

While we were in Turkey, we spent time in a village up in the mountains. My dear hubby pointed out to me that the people were really poor. I had to agree and disagree with him. Yes, they LOOKED poor given the western civilization standards: shabby clothes, old shoes, no iphones, no fancy cars, old motorcycles, bad roads, no banks :-) —not much of a cash flow anywhere… But then, I thought they were rich in a way we would never be. They ate off of their land fruits and vegetables that tasted nothing like the stuff we get here – nothing sprayed with chemicals or pesticides… They cut and ate their own sheep and chicken, who roam free–because there is no money to fence them in… They bake their own bread in old fashined stone ovens with wood from the forest—no money to buy any fancy fuel or fancy ovens… They make their own clothes… These people were self-sufficient and were able to live without the luxuries that I have become addicted to in western civilization.

Western civilization, what have you done to me? Given me the magical paper money (and lots and lots of it), so that I can spend it on stuff that will make me happy (what would I do without my laptop?), so that I can buy any and every kind of insurance to reduce the evil uncertainties that may sneek up on me…

Western civilization has given me the illusion that I have control over my life and things that happen in my life. Nothing unexpected happens anymore. I live in my fish bowl.

I go to Turkey—an aquarium :-) —and immediately I start missing my little fish bowl. Oh, the sweet illusion…

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Children’s well-being checkups and the maternal instinct

May 30th, 2010

I saw a mother and a baby on the tram the other day. The baby was invisible in the stroller. A few minutes later the mother picked up her baby—not more than 3 months old. He could even hardly hold his neck. His mother pressed him against her chest, then lifted him up and took a good look at him—with sheer adoration—and then turned him around and propped him up in her lap. This happy and content baby, now sitting directly opposite from me, started staring at me. I stared back. He had big, serious, brown eyes and he held his gaze to which I caved in and started looking outside :-)

What was so special about this scene? First of all, a tram is not a place where one takes a baby out of her stroller. If anything, I would want to keep my baby in the stroller, because it’s safer—what with all the people jostling in and out; and the tram turning, braking and accelerating abruptly… Second of all, the baby was totally calm when this mother picked him up. So why in the world would a mother deliberately pick a calm baby out of his stroller on a tram?

  1. The mother does not realize the dangers of taking him out of the stroller, so she must be stupid.
  2. No one has told the mother not to behave like this, so she must be uneducated.
  3. The mother has not read enough books on how to travel safely with her baby, so she must be illiterate.

Then we went to Artis, the zoo in Amsterdam. There, among many other wondrous animals, we saw black spider monkeys. This one particular female was tending to her baby, playing with it, feeding it. This monkey mother—stupid, uneducated, illiterate—knew exactly what to do with her baby. Now, isn’t that a miracle?

Who taught this monkey ‘how to be a mother’ to a baby monkey? Silly question, isn’t it? The females of all species know exactly what to do with their offspring. But then, how come the females of the most intelligent beings on this planet are not so sure about how to be a ‘good’ mother?

There are so many mothers among us—especially in ‘developed/developing’ countries—who feel more and more insecure about how to handle their babies. There is a dizzying amount of parenting books waiting to be purchased to give the inside scoop on how to raise a baby. The ‘civilized systems’ do not help ease the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy—in fact, they can make it worse. A friend of mine in Australia—she is not Australian, though—wrote this to me in an email:

“I am not sure about how other people raise their children here in Australia. But I know the government encourages one of the parents to stay home with the child by providing some tax benefit. The only thing that bothers me is that I have to bring my son to a Nurse every couple weeks. They will check his hip (for dislocation), testicles, neck strength (they take his hands and pull him up from a lying down position to see if he can lift his own head, etc.). I thought babies couldn’t hold up their heads like that before they are 3 months old. They can hold their heads/neck in some way but this is very brutal to me. My son cried every time when they handled him this way. I hate these repeated tests very much. I don’t understand why they keep checking the same thing. Maybe I am over protective but sometimes, I just think western medicine/checking is very intrusive.”

Now why does she HAVE to bring her son to a Nurse for a checkup? She thinks it is brutal, the baby cries, so what is the benefit of such an action?

The sad fact is: there is no logical explanation for this practice. Every country has developed its own peculiar ways of following the growth and development of babies and children. Sometimes there are overlaps and sometimes there are unique practices—such as this example.

So what can a mother do? She can simply accept things as they are and go on with her life. In my friend’s case, she can’t accept it. She doesn’t understand why, so she blames herself for being ‘over-protective’. (But that’s simply not true, because she can’t ‘protect’ her baby from these interventions, which in turn renders her helpless and frustrated.  By the way, had I been in her place, I would simply not show up for these check-ups! :-) And even then I would not think I was being ‘over-protective’…)

The mother on the tram (MT) made me think about my friend in Australia (FA). When MT pulled her son out of the stroller, she had no trace of a doubt on her face. In fact, she was behaving more or less like the monkey mother we saw at the zoo—just doing what felt natural to her. Why can’t FA do what feels natural to her?

FA’s frustration stems from a deeper underlying issue: The developed society where she resides in has placed certain mechanisms that prevent FA from getting in touch with her instincts. As harmless as it is, done under the guise of safety, concern, and health for our babies, the routine checkups of healthy babies and children act as a sinister blocker of our instinctual responses.

How many of you look forward to routine checkups at the pediatrician’s office (or at the consultatiebureau)? How many of you out there worry about whether your baby is the ‘right’ height or the ‘right’ weight? How many of you worry about whether your child is eating too little or too much? How many of you worry about whether the vaccinations are ‘good’ or ‘bad’? How many of you worry about whether you are doing a ‘good’ job as a parent raising your children or not?

If you said, ‘yes’ to the first question and ‘no’ to all the other questions, please accept my congratulations on being a SUPER PARENT. You can stop reading here and go on with your life :-)

If you don’t qualify as a super parent, then I would like to take this opportunity to offer you a life-long membership at my NORMAL PARENT CLUB free of charge :-)

I, as a normal parent, worry about many things concerning my precious children and dread going to routine checkups, because I don’t really think they are necessary. Some parents play the doctor game with their children to make them more sympathetic towards going to the doctor, but why do children regularly need to see a doctor if they are healthy? If anything, regular checkups should start when we turn 30, because then they could be used as a preventative measure for a wide range of health problems.

Yet, it has become so accepted and so ‘normal’ to take healthy children for ‘regular’ checkups that sometimes I have to grapple with feelings of guilt when I have to admit I have skipped several checkups—as if that would reflect on my parenting skills… Even though the doctors and the nurses are really nice and sweet, I still sweat over all the questions that will be asked, the ‘should-lists’ and ‘shouldn’t-lists’, and the age-appropriate safety hazard brochures that will be given to me. All these ‘harmless’ observations and interventions make me think about things that have never crossed my mind. I start worrying about new things that don’t even apply to our lives. My child and I get no benefit from these visits—except the accompanying relief that the next appointment is not in the near future, so what is the point?

In the realm of quantum physics, it is common knowledge that observation changes the outcome of an event. I believe this fact also applies to events in our realm (aren’t we after all an extension of the quantum realm?). Thus, the mere observation of the development of a healthy child undermines a mother’s instincts. Instead of letting the mother and child be; these observations shift the mother’s focus from her immediate emotional bond with her child to (a) historical accounts of how things have been and/or (b) hypothetical accounts of how things should be and/or how they can go wrong. Once the immediate emotional bond is severed this way, the mother has been thrown off course. She needs to make a conscious effort not to dwell on all that was discussed during the ‘regular’ checkup before she can establish her instinctual mothering bond with her child again.

These regular checkups are to ensure the child’s development is on track—as if a parent is not equipped to detect warning signs. Ironically, when dealing with children who are sick, the doctors are advised to trust a mother’s instinct.

So how can it be that mothers can be trusted with sick children but not with healthy children???

Why do I need an expert to tell me my healthy child is healthy, when that expert has to rely on my instinct when my child is sick??? (However, there are also many cases when doctors do NOT trust a mother’s instinct and label the mother as worrisome and paranoid. Another friend of mine nearly lost her daughter because of such doctors, who told her there was nothing wrong with her child, when in fact something was horribly wrong.)

So what can we do?

  • Get in touch with our instincts and gut feelings.
  • Accept that each child is unique and the ‘average’ child exists only statistically—on doctors’ charts. Every child has his/her own developmental path.
  • Doctors don’t always have all the answers.
  • We know and understand our children much more than we think.
  • Have faith in our capability to be a parent. If we can give birth to a child, then we sure can help him grow up.
  • We are not raising our children; we are only helping them adjust to this world.
  • Have faith in our children.

At the zoo, there was this quote from J.H. Leopold on a wall:

Elke keer, dat ik in Artis ben geweest, begrijp ik de menschen zooveel beter. (=Every time I have been to Artis, I understand the humans so much better.)

I guess what he really wanted to say to us, mothers, was: Learn from the monkey mothers :-)

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Helpful Links:

  1. Quantum theory demonstrated: Observation affects reality
  2. Trust a mother’s instinct on sick children, GPs told
  3. Mother’s instinct on sick children is right, doctors told

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Happy Birthday, My Dear.

May 7th, 2010

Today is/was his birthday. Had he lived to see the day, he would have turned 30 today.

Where would he be now had he lived? What would he be doing?

A life unlived.

He passed away 15 years ago.

Such a long time ago, yet feels like yesterday.

I would like my children to know that they had an uncle, but would it mean anything to them? What use is talking about someone who has never existed in their life time? What would I say anyways? “You had a wonderful uncle, whom I wish you guys could have met, but alas, he passed away before you were even born.”

So I don’t say anything. I don’t say anything to anyone. I write it here, because I want to share. Silence hurts. But talking about it hurts even more.

I want to say something meaningful about him, but everything sounds so cliché… “He was a great kid: smart, witty, handsome, popular…” What’s the point? Useless, empty words… Silence remains.

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He walked out of our lives

There is so much to tell

Yet there is no one on the receiving end

And no hope as well

–at least not on this plane

Only in death.

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His life unlived

While I keep on breathing

It’s just not fair

But maybe he’s doing much better

Than myself down here.

Have fun up there, my dear.

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