As I stepped out of my morning shower, I witnessed my husband and our 2-year old daughter (2DD) in a deadlock: dad holding 2DD by the arm while repeating, “first pick this up, first pick this up, first pick this up…” and 2DD screaming and making futile attempts to break free from dad. I automatically thought that I should step right between them and take control of the situation, but with considerable effort I held myself back and steered in the opposite direction. Dad and 2DD should be able to sort through their own fights, right?
However, not a minute had gone by when a crying 2DD came to me looking for some comforting. I was not going to console her right away, because I did not know what had exactly taken place. Why did dad let her go? Did she pick up the stuff she was supposed to? Or did dad lose his battle and caved in to her crying? If she did pick up the stuff, then consolation was okay, but otherwise… If dad lost this battle and 2DD is coming to mom in order to escape from dad, then that is definitely not okay. This sets the stage for many more lost battles for dad and a mom-2DD alliance or vice versa (where she teams up with dad against mom). The alliance should always be between the parents and the sooner you show and teach this to your child, the easier disciplining will be.
So what had really taken place? I made my appearances to dad and inquired about the incident as nonchalantly as I could. He told me that she had done her usual thing when she gets frustrated – that she had started throwing things on the ground and then he had told her to stop and to pick them up. When she had not done as she was told, he was frustrated himself and did not know what to do other than insist that she clean up: thus, the deadlock situation. In the end, he had lost his battle: he had let her go.
So what could dad have done to handle the situation? First of all, never tell an already frustrated kid what to do, because it just won’t work (and this applies to kids of all ages—not just 2-year-olds!). The first thing to do is to TRY to understand the source of frustration and work with that. Asking her to clean up when she is in the middle of throwing a tantrum will only create more frustration for the kid and will probably cause her to throw even MORE things on the floor! Here is how I would have handled the situation:
1) move slightly away from the situation and wait 20-30 seconds to see if her act is slowing down;
2) if I see her tantrum continuing or increasing, then that means she is frustrated about something and needs my help to figure it out, so this time I actually move right next to her and down to her level and have her eye-to-eye;
3) I tell her firmly to stop and ask her what is happening and TRY to listen (even though it can be really difficult to make out what she tries to say at this age!);
4) if I have her attention (wonderful!) we can start sorting things out and once the source of her frustration is taken care of, then we can move on with cleaning up her mess together;
5) if I can’t get her attention and if she is still going on with her tantrum, this time I use my arms and pick her up and make her stop, take her into a separate room and give her a time-out.
Wow! That takes time and energy! And we have barely touched on how to get her to clean up after herself. The truth of the matter is, two-year-olds are too young to learn to clean up after themselves. They have to learn other things before they can learn to clean up. That does not mean that you are the one who always has to clean up after your children. The best you can do is pick moments when your child is not frustrated and then clean up together with her. What most parents would like to see happen is that children clean up after they are done with playing. What you need to understand is that children will play until they are TIRED of playing. At that point, you can be sure that cleaning up is the LEAST likely thing that they would like to do next, simply because they are TIRED! When you ask them to clean up toys that they are TIRED of playing with, you can be sure that you are setting yourself up to be a major source of frustration for your kid. Leave the toys lying around like that for a while and come back to clean up together after your child has eaten or slept and is not tired to clean up. However, if you can’t stand the clutter of toys around, that is your problem—not your child’s problem. So don’t make your problem become your child’s problem. Clean them up yourself and save yourself and your child from further misery!
A pediatrician had once told me, “Pick your battles with your kid.” How wise, but how difficult to implement! When you are dealing with a two-year-old, keep in mind that you are dealing with a human being going through their toughest developmental stage in their whole life (if you thought puberty was tough, it’s only because you don’t remember how difficult it was when you were 2!). And really: pick your battles! A 2-year-old is a willful, irrational, nonnegotiable creature who will not give up on what she wants whatever the cost is. She can not do a cost-benefit analysis; the only thing she knows is what she wants in that moment and nothing, NOTHING else matters. It is a huge developmental step: she is on her independence path. Have some respect 
Tags: conflict resolution, disciplining children, frustration, terrible twos