Archive for March, 2010

Raising a trilingual child – myth or reality?

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

It’s starting to get absolutely fascinating to listen to my two-year-old daughter (DD2) talk. Since she was born, I have not put any special effort to find out which way is the best way to raise a trilingual baby.

You see, DD2 does not have much of a choice but grow up in a trilingual environment, and that is why I never gave it any special thought. Yet when I heard her pointing to a pig yesterday and actually saying ‘pig’ to her Dutch-speaking grandfather, I was, nonetheless, absolutely stunned.

She knows how to say ‘varken’, which means ‘pig’ in Dutch (daddy-language); she knows how to say ‘domuz’, which means ‘pig’ in Turkish (mommy-language); but where did she get the word ‘pig’ from? It is true that my husband and I still continue to converse mostly in English between the two of us, but we don’t directly talk in English to DD2. And between the two of us, ‘pigs’ hardly ever make for a topic of conversation! Where in the world and how did she pick up that word???

So, I decided it is high time I start doing more research on raising a trilingual kid. As of today, I have a new mission: find out information on how to raise a trilingual child and share my own personal experiences with other parents.

My very first question is: Is there truly a trilingual child or is it wishful thinking by the parents? I am asking this question, because there are a lot of people who believe learning one language is difficult enough—let alone three languages at the same time! When some people find out that DD2 is learning three languages, their immediate reaction: “Poor child! So much work at this age!”

“So much work at this age!”????

I try to explain to those people that this is the environment that DD2 is born into and because she does not know otherwise, to her, it will never feel like THAT much work! :-)  Does anyone remember how much they ‘worked’ to learn to speak when they were babies? But I am sure everyone remembers all the ‘work’ that had to be done to acquire a second or third language when they were adults!

Children are amazing creatures and they are capable of absorbing enormous amount of material because, and here is the catch: THEY WANT TO and THEY CAN! We have the brain power and motivation to learn when we are young. In contrast, as we get older not only do we get slower at absorbing new information, but our motivation to do so, drops as well (ironically, we think we get wiser). For example, I told my husband the other day that I wanted to pick up on my French and his response was, “Why would you ever want to do that?” Right, why in the world would I want to do such a thing??? Just kidding, honey! :-)

To cut a long story short, I feel like it’s a piece of cake for DD2 (and other children) to learn several languages at the same time—if they are provided with the appropriate environment. In fact, there is a growing number of children scattered all around the planet being raised in a multi-lingual environment. Such children do exist and their parents face great challenges to give their children the gift of multi-languages. The real question is: Is the society and its education system equipped to deal with these very special children?

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About this Emotional Life: Happiness/Intimacy

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

A friend of mine recommended this link at you-tube:

This Emotional Life: Happiness/Intimacy

Here is the text of what Elizabeth Gilbert says in the video for those of you who do not want to watch it.

“Schopenhauer a pessimistic philosopher had a theory of human relationships that was about porcupines and he used that as the metaphor. What he said was that in love and in relationship—whether that be with our families or spouses or friends—we are all of us on this earth because we are so uncomfortable with our emotions. We are, all of us, like porcupines who are out on a cold winter’s night. They get cold and they need to huddle together for warmth. They crave connection and they crave warmth, so they come together and then they prick each other (laugh!) because they have these horrible spines. And it’s painful and so in order to avoid the pain, they retreat and then they get cold, so they come together and then they get spined (laugh!), so they retreat. And they get cold, and they come together. And this dance of intimacy is what defines our relationships with everybody that we encounter. There is this need to be close that’s followed by this need to be separated in order to protect ourselves from the inevitable hurt that happens when you get too close. And Schopenhauer didn’t have much of a remedy for that. He didn’t think that that was ever really going to end. He sort of saw that as innate to our human nature. What he suggested was that that those who have learned how to generate their own warmth were able to keep the safest distance from the other porcupines (laugh!), which didn’t necessarily mean living a life of isolation. It just meant not impelling yourself on other people so that you could have that critical little space in which to be a little bit self-contained to create your own warmth, your own sense of your own humanity so that you could be close without being stabbed. The path to that is closest secret to happiness as anything I have ever learned.”

This piece of insight (also known as Hedgehog’s Dilemma) delivered by Elizabeth Gilbert has many people nodding their heads in approval. It’s not exactly a new insight. Like she points out in the beginning, it was originally Schopenhauer who first put the idea on the table.

Schopenhauer’s philosophy is famous for its pessimism and he was known for his sour temperament and selfishness among people. So it’s no wonder that a bitter, pessimistic guy comes up with a story like this…  Elizabeth quotes him and says that we are all uncomfortable with our emotions. If a guy like Schopenhauer was uncomfortable with his emotions, does that make all of us?

And then people buy the idea that we are uncomfortable with our emotions???

To be honest, when I first listened to her, it all made sense. But then I could not take it off of my mind. I kept mulling over it. Something was just not right! I went back and listened to her and I could not put my finger on it. But something was definitely not right. Here it goes…

She laughs really hard three times when she is delivering this little speech: 1) when she first talks about porcupines pricking each other, 2) when she talks about porcupines ‘spining’ each other for the second time, 3) when she talks about keeping the ‘safest distance from the other porcupines’.

What is so funny about porcupines/people hurting each other when they are actually trying to get close to each other? Why laugh every time she mentions being hurt? It just does not make sense. She is laughing at all of us who have had our share of hurtful relationships. How about her? Has she never been hurt? Or has she been hurt so badly that she has to make fun of it because if she doesn’t, she will start crying about it?

She is sending some serious mixed messages. Most of us don’t stop to think about what she has said. But the messages go somewhere into our subconscious and start to run their own little program in our intimate relationships:

  • Don’t get too close (to family members, to friends, etc.)—or else you will be pricked.
  • Don’t let anyone else get too close—or else they will ‘spine’ you.
  • Getting pricked is NOT nice, but if you do, then other people will laugh at you, because it’s so funny. Your pain will be somebody else’s pleasure.
  • Keep a safe distance from others (who are ‘supposed’ to be close to you) so that they won’t stab you.

Elizabeth talks about ‘the need to be close followed by the need to separate in order to protect ourselves from the inevitable hurt that follows from being too close.’ In all the psychology courses that I took, nowhere do I remember reading about these particular ‘needs’ having such a causal relationship. Porcupines also do not seem to possess such ‘needs’. Watch it, because there is nice brainwashing going on here backed by a totally fictional statement: The need to be close is followed by a need to separate–of course, followed by ‘inevitable’ hurt.

Especially her last sentence is full of conflicting messages: ‘Don’t impel yourself on other people, so you can have that critical little space …so that you can be close without being stabbed.’

  1. What the heck does this mean? I should not prick other people to have my own space? What about those people who prick ME and rob me of my own space? How do I keep those people at bay? And should I not prick back if I get pricked? Because if I don’t…sooner or later they will shish kebab me!
  2. Is she suggesting that being too close always warrants being stabbed? What does she mean by ‘being too close’? I feel as if she is trying to instill negative connotations to the concepts of intimacy and closeness: since when are intimacy and closeness regarded as ‘not so nice’? Or is her understanding of these concepts incomplete/biased/skewed?

And last but not the least, what problem does Elizabeth have with porcupines? She calls a porcupine’s spines ‘horrible’. But that’s what makes a porcupine a porcupine! The spines! It’s their trademark and the way they protect themselves in general. What’s so horrible about that? Are roses horrible, too, because they have thorns?

I also looked up porcupine behavior—just for the heck of it :-) Really interesting animals, but I could not find anything in reference to the ‘huddling-together-for-warmth-then-pricking’ behavior. All the searches pointed out to Schopenhauer’s story. Then I looked at hedgehogs, since this phenomenon is also known as the Hedgehog Dilemma. No mention of hedgehogs trying to cuddle for warmth and then pricking each other, either! I even looked up their mating behavior! Why? Well, because if these guys and gals really do ‘spine’ each other when they get ‘too close’, then they should be among the critically endangered species (or should have been wiped out from the face of the earth a long time ago together with the dinosaurs)! But they are not… In fact, hedgehogs seem to have a rather elaborate courting scheme!

Is there anyone out there who knows more about this ‘huddling-together-for-warmth-then-pricking’ behavior of hedgehogs/porcupines? If so, please enlighten me!

Where in the world did Schopenhauer get his idea from? Was he busy watching hedgehogs in Germany in the early 1800′s?

And if in fact these animals DO display such behavior, does that make it okay to apply the analogy to humans? “Porcupines are nocturnal herbivores. They eat plants, shrubs, leaves, and gnaw on animal bones to get salt.” Can we also use these facts as an analogy and compare it to humans? Oh, yes: they are herbivores, uuhmm… yeah, so must we also be??!!! :-)

Freud was also intrigued with porcupines. After his visit to America to observe a real porcupine, he was given a bronze model of a porcupine, which he kept on his table. What was special about this porcupine was the fact that it looked formidable—being metal and having spines. But if you actually dared to stroke it, you would see that the spines became musical strings! Thus the Porcupine Illusion! Just like this bronze porcupine, some people who look formidable and unapproachable from the outside can turn out to be very warm and friendly once we get to know them closely. If we take Elizabeth’s words to heart, we will never get close to these kind of people because of fear that they will ‘inevitably’ hurt us.

Thank goodness some scientists have had the guts to question Schopenhauer’s “porcupine” analogy to humans. The results show that chronically anxious people who are rejected by others are the ones who end up being more anti-social. On the other hand, other people tend to strive harder to get close to others in the face of rejection. Do you think the chronically anxious people have got it right and the others have got it wrong? Why would anyone in their right mind go seek intimacy once they have been rejected?

The reality is we are human beings and thus social creatures by nature. It is true that we all seek connection and warmth with each other. But it is NOT true that closeness leads to hurt and separation.

Before you take the Hedgehog Dilemma to heart, think about whether your relationships are based on mutual respect, honesty, openness and trust. If your relationship is lacking any one of these ingredients, then maybe you do need your spines. I hope you be happy by spining your chance at intimacy away!

Helpful links:

  1. Hedgehog’s Dilemma
  2. How do porcupines make love?
  3. The Porcupine Illusion

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Big Brother is watching you: Gebied beveiligd met DNA-SPRAY

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

This is the sign that stands on a street corner in Amsterdam. It means: ‘area secured with DNA-spray.’ Apparently, it is not the only one: there are ten more signs like this spread around nearby shopping areas.

The first thing that came into my mind when I saw it: is big brother watching me?

I have been thinking if there is one country on the planet where it is easy to watch and control people; it would have to be the Netherlands. Why? Because it’s small and densely populated with people who are obedient and compliant—even though they would tell you otherwise.

So I came home and did a little search on the web to see what this DNA-spray business was about. There was not much information that I could get my hands on. It makes sense that there is no real information. Why would they make such information public to everyone? So that thieves and rouges can find their way around this new security system?

Or maybe the information out there is IT; there is nothing more to it!

DNA-spray project has been undertaken by the government and the police in the Netherlands (originated in the UK). In case of an incident, once the alarm button is triggered, a certain solution is sprayed (hopefully on the offender!), which clings onto hair, skin, and clothes. Each store has a unique solution, which thus helps link the offender to the crime scene. Traces of this solution can remain on fiber and in the creases of the skin for weeks, which can be detected under UV-light or with forensic analysis.

There are a few blogs on the web that talk about it, but there is mixed information as to how long the solution can remain on the skin: some say weeks, some say a few days.

The company that produces the spray claims that the ‘fear-factor’ is the important deterrent to crime. The flashy signs inform the offenders that they may be sprayed and thus caught more easily than before. The result so far: reduced crime numbers in neighborhoods where signs have been posted.

It all ‘sounds’ nice: reduced crime numbers. Do criminals suddenly change their minds and decide that they will stop stealing? Or do they move into other neighborhoods and continue business as usual? If crime shifts to other neighborhoods, then that would mean either crime rates will increase elsewhere or everybody will install these systems to prevent crime. But then, what happens to the criminals? Do they all get caught in the end and everybody lives happily ever after?

Anyways… At least after reading up on this, I had one happy thought: Big brother was not yet watching me—at least not with DNA-spray! :)

Helpful links:

  1. Company behind DNA-spray
  2. Oud-Zuid experimenteert met DNA-spray

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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Apparently, all is not going as smooth as I had hoped for. In fact, it is getting worse with every day of preschool!

My two-year-old daughter (DD2) started preschool two weeks ago. Our first two days were a huge success – I was hanging around and left her by herself for only 15 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. She did not cry at all. She was happy as a bee, but things started to go downhill on the third day when I started to leave with the other parents. Since then her crying has continued to increase with every day that we have gone back.

Today was her 7th day and the worst day of crying so far…

The teachers here don’t believe that parents ought to stay to help the child get adjusted. Their philosophy is more like, “Don’t hang around, because it makes it more difficult to say goodbye. Disappear from her sight as quickly as possible. She will cry, but then she will adjust much faster.”

Parents need to drop off their children quickly and not make the situation emotional.

See, I have a problem with this kind of philosophy. However, the way things are here in the Netherlands, I should be grateful that they even let me stay as long as I did in the beginning. Parents are not welcome in the classroom. There are good reasons behind this practice:

  • The child will adjust eventually, even though they may cry.
  • Other children can start crying when they see somebody else’s parent staying behind because they are reminded of the absence of their own parents.
  • It teaches the child to be independent.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers.
  • It teaches the child that the parent comes back in the end.
  • The teachers don’t have outsiders observing them.
  • There is less of a crowd in the classroom.
  • The parents can be a distraction and a nuisance for the teachers.
  • One-size-fits-all recipe: Everybody gets the same treatment.

I believe this practice is not the best approach to raising emotionally healthy kids, because:

  • It teaches the child that her tears (emotions) don’t mean much.
  • It can be a traumatic way to sever the bond between the parent and the child.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers. (Yep! This can be good AND bad!)
  • It teaches the child that her parent can’t be trusted to stick around in emotionally distressed situations, and thus undermines the trust bond between a parent and a child. (Is this the perfect recipe to breed distrust towards each other in society?)
  • There are more friendly ways to help the transition: the parent and the child can be the judge of when to separate. Most parents know the difference between real tears and ‘crocodile’ tears. It’s just not a good idea to leave a kid alone with real tears. (To teach the child that life is cruel? Life is cruel, but if we want a less cruel society, don’t we need to make a change with the way we raise children?)

I understand why they want to keep parents out of the classroom here. If they decide to involve the parents, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box: in addition to dealing with children, the teachers also have to deal with parents, which can be extremely difficult sometimes. It requires people knowledge and communication skills. Some parents can be real pains in the neck, but some can be of great help, too!

Involving parents would mean differential treatment for every child, which goes against the societal directive here in the Netherlands that everyone is entitled to equal rights. Everyone is entitled to equal rights. It sounds so nice, but it just can’t be. There is a price to pay in order to achieve this. For example, one child’s parent can stay long and the other parent can’t/won’t. So the child whose parent can stay long is punished because the other child’s parent can’t/won’t stay… Because? Everyone is entitled to equal rights! Why should we let some kids be ‘spoiled’ when others don’t have that luxury? So let the kids whose parents can stay behind, cry…—just like the rest.

Even though we all like to have benchmarks about developmental milestones that we can compare our children against and even though in general children follow these developmental milestones, every child is unique. Any parent with more than one child knows this simple truth. What works with one kid, does not work with the other one.

My older daughter was less distressed in new situations when I explained things to her up front, but with DD2 it works the other way around. She gets even more wound up when I try to ‘prepare’ her for what is coming up! After the traumatic week at school, I tried to talk to her about it to ease her frustration and reduce her stress, but it totally backfired. She immediately began to cry and protest school. I held her tight and told her all the nice things about school but that she would have to wait because it was still a few days away. She cried even harder. I decided to drop the subject and steered her attention elsewhere. I tried talking again the next day: to no avail. At that point, I just knew that DD2 was not going to be ‘prepared to go to school’ by talking; she would just have to live through it. What good does it do to her if my talking elevates her stress level and makes her feel as if she is already on her way to school?

So much for our successful beginning in preschool…

I still don’t know what else I can do to ease her transition. The only consolation I have right now is the phone call I just received from the teacher telling me that she is doing okay and has stopped crying.

Read previous post: First day at preschool

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Why should dessert be eaten the last?

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

I was trying to feed my two-year-old child (DD2), who has given me a hard time with eating ever since the very beginning. I had her favorite food on the plate and placed her in front of her favorite show. (Yes, I know, I have been a ‘bad’ mother by letting her eat in front of the screen, but despite all my tricks to get her to eat anything, she remains borderline underweight. Therefore, I have decided that getting food in her system is more important than teaching her table manners at the moment :-) )

Just when I settle down next to her, do you know what she says to me? She would like to eat it with candy! What do I do? I have to think fast–really fast! Do I pick this battle or not?

If I say, “First you eat your food, then candy”; I know I will lose for sure. She is very stubborn and when she refuses food, that’s usually the end of the story. No matter what I do, I can’t make her eat. Then she goes to bed on an empty stomach and then she wakes up in the middle of the night: hungry… You get the picture: I lose big time. (Anyways, it is not a good idea to use candy/dessert as a reward for children since it sends a mixed message: ‘I will reward you with ‘bad’ food that is delicious, if you eat your yucky ‘good’ food!’ or ‘Save the best for the last.’—but is sugar really the ‘best’ nutritious food ingredient???)

So what do I do? Before I know it, I hear myself say, “Okay, you can eat it with candy—but you have to eat it together.” (Ooops!!! What have I done? How ridiculous is that? Why did I say that???) And she simply says, “Okay.”

And she eats it! She eats a plate of food, every spoonful accompanied by one tiny chocolate M&M. The total number of chocolate M&Ms consumed? 11! Only eleven: much less than what she would have devoured if I had instead given her the tiny box after dinner. And this way she ate more than what she would have eaten—had she agreed to eat in the first place! I consider this a win-win situation for both of us!

It does ‘sound’ disgusting: adding M&Ms on top of your dinner plate, but why? Is there a scientifically good health reason why dessert is eaten afterwards? Or why we should not eat dessert and dinner together? Some dishes (like some pasta sauces and beans) require the addition of sugar. There are even sweet and sour dishes! Is it simply because we have been conditioned to think/believe that dessert is eaten after dinner? I have done a search on the web, but I could not find a logical answer to any of these questions. So why not M&Ms with food? :-)

Helpful links:

  1. Mixed messages: Kids & healthy eating
  2. Why is it customary to eat dessert after dinner?

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First day at preschool

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Today is a historical day for my daughter 2DD and for me. I am truly proud of both of us! 2DD did not go to daycare nor did she have a babysitter. She was born and bred at home by her mama. There was not one night she spent apart from me. She was very clingy for a long time and would not go to strangers at all. During consultation visits (in the Netherlands, there are no regular visits to the pediatrician for checkup and vaccinations, but instead parents take their children to a ‘consultation bureau’), they noticed how clingy she was to me and advised me to ‘teach’ 2DD to be independent by letting her stay with someone else. I braced myself against this sort of advice, because I was following my instinct and was testing a hypothesis that I had developed over the years. Nonetheless, I would brood over what they had said because, if they were right and my hypothesis and instinct were wrong, then that would mean I was setting up 2DD for a total life of dependency (yikes!). She would never be able to do anything on her own without me. Even the thought of it was enough to give me palpitations, but I persevered :) . And thank goodness I did.

Today was a total success. 2DD is 2 years and 4 months old and when I left her today, she did not shed one tear! I give myself a HUGE pat on the back.

Okay, I confess it did not happen that quickly…

Here is how we pulled it off: 2DD had accompanied me on all three appointments with the teachers. These appointments all took place in her current classroom. During the first two appointments, she sat on my lap the whole time that we were there. Despite my efforts to put her down and have her go down the slide or play with some toys, she was adamant to stick to me. However, the third time we went there, she climbed out of my lap herself and strolled around the classroom. I tagged along and located a wooden stall filled with tiny horses – one of her favorite things. She played with them for about five minutes after which I pulled her away and told her it was time to go.

About roughly one month after that – today!—she went for her real first day.

I had told her during the last weeks a few times that she would be starting school and making new friends. I had no idea how much of that she had registered – until today, that is. When we walked together from home to her school, she herself showed me the main entrance as we approached it. Once we were inside, she knew exactly where we were headed to. She showed no resistance at all. Once we were inside, we did just like everybody else—took off her coat, put on house shoes, etc. — and it all went just fine :) !

I stayed most of the morning with her. During the last half hour of free play, I distanced myself from her and sat in another corner of the room as she played. She called for me several times and I told her to play and that I would sit there for a while. I sat there for 15 minutes as she ran back and forth a few times. After 15 minutes, I got up and told her that I was going to the bathroom and that I would be back. She looked at me gave a little nod and then went back to playing. I came back 15 minutes later to find out that she had not cried a bit and she had kept on playing and even joined a little trip to the bathroom with her teacher and another kid—not to pee, but to have a look!

SUCCESS!!! First day at preschool and not ONE tear shed.

Congratulations to 2DD and proud me!

If people tell you that the first day of school is always stressful and full of tears, here is my cup of cake for them:

  • Timing and preparation is everything. Make sure to prepare children for any pre-planned, scheduled event, because any change in their daily lives will cause a certain level of stress. (Think of it this way: when something new is coming up—a new job, a big party, moving, etc.—even adults get stressed!)
  • The parent has to learn to control their own feelings about the issue: keep a cool head and attitude and stay relaxed at all times. If the parent is having a hard time separating with the child, you can be certain that that child’s stress level will be multiplied by at least a factor of 2.
  • Don’t compare your child’s situation with other children’s situation. Even though we like to talk about what needs to happen ‘normally’, keep in mind that every situation and every child is unique. Respect that uniqueness.
  • Some crying is okay and is healthy, don’t try to prevent it or don’t worry about it. However, follow up on it. If your child is crying more than five minutes after you leave him, then something is definitely not right. Investigate. If your child’s crying is not showing signs of lessening after two weeks of school, then something is again definitely not right. Definitely investigate.
  • Learn to trust your child and to trust yourself. We are all human beings and every one of us has different needs. Respect your children’s emotional needs. You are all they have at the beginning of their journey on this planet.

Read the next post: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

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Oleander

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

This poem I dedicate to my dear daughter 9D.

OLEANDER

Vast, barren mounds of sand

Surround every corner of the land

Who would want to be around?

Where there is hardly even any sound


“I,” said the Oleander

“Even the desert deserves a flower.”

But beauty so tender

How can she survive in harsh weather?


Yet she does

Through the drought, she thrives.

Poison is her invisible armor

To defend against those who don’t love her.


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Is it okay to co-sleep with my baby?

Monday, March 1st, 2010

It depends! Ask this question in China and see how people react. Ask this question in the western hemisphere and the ground remains divided between advocates of co-sleeping and separate sleeping. When I had my first child (9D), I lasted exactly 40 days before I surrendered and took her to bed with me against my mother’s heavy protests.

Being a first time inexperienced mother, I had been working fulltime until the day I delivered; I had no idea (non whatsoever!) about having babies! I had not had time to read up on anything. My plan was to learn as I went along and I didn’t think it would be difficult when my mother had so generously offered her help for the first three months. She would be the perfect coach for me. After all, she had raised me and my siblings and we were okay (I now wonder what kind of person I would have been, had I been allowed to co-sleep with my parents… Well, I guess I will never know :) ). Anyways, my mother had her own ideas about how to put a baby to sleep and co-sleeping was not one of them. My mother’s typical outbursts to my insistence on co-sleeping were somewhere along these lines: “Are you out of your mind? You may roll over and kill her in your sleep! She is so tiny and you don’t know what you are doing when you are asleep! Is this really the right thing to do?”

At the time, I did not have much to say except to steel myself against all the remarks, but now I want to say: “Really? How many times have YOU rolled over and fell out of your bed or rolled over and found yourself on top of your partner in the morning? I, personally, have an exceptional ability to know where my bed ends when I sleep and I have never fallen out of my bed in my entire life. I had a feeling that I could also extend that ability and use it to prevent rolling onto my baby when I slept. And guess what? I was right! Both my children are still alive :) ”

And then there was the pediatrician… As every responsible parent knows, sleep is one of the topics of discussion at every pediatrician visit (at least in the U.S.). Although 9D’s pediatrician did not approve of co-sleeping, she was not against it until 9D turned one. And then I received (again!) strong advice, this time from 9D’s pediatrician to employ Ferber’s method. I never understood what was so magical about turning one year old that required the baby to start sleeping on their own. If anything, it sounded like a bad first birthday present! Long story short, it did not work with my baby. After five days’ of torture guess what happened! I gave up (one more time!) and took her back to bed with me. :)

There are strong advocates of both separate sleeping and co-sleeping in the western hemisphere: the so-called Ferber’s method, a pretty mechanical way to teach babies to sleep on their own; and the co-sleeping method, which allows babies to sleep with their parents. Both methods are used by many parents. Co-sleeping method is probably more widespread around the globe if we include the eastern cultures (most of which have not even heard about separate sleeping) and closet-parents like myself who begin to lie to pediatricians because I was incapable of employing Ferber’s method successfully and was tired of all the sleep talk in the doctor’s office! (There are more of you out there like me, right?)

Of course, my experience does not mean that Ferber’s method is useless. In fact, I have read and heard of many stories where parents and children sleep happily ever after (or were some of them closet-parents like me?). It just does not work with everyone. Ferber’s method is mechanical, requires consistency and sticking to schedules. If your life does not move around the clock, I have a hunch that Ferber’s method may not work since any change in schedule may (and probably will) require you to start the training all over again. If your first instinct to your baby’s cry is to go and cradle him in your arms, then Ferber’s method is definitely not for you. There is also no real science behind this method and no scientific evidence to show that this is the best way to put babies to sleep. It does not sound much more different than an old wives’ tale to me (not that I don’t rely on them sometimes!), except the fact that this tale has been told by Pediatrician Richard Ferber, the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Sometimes we let the authority figures talk us into doing strange things. Nonetheless, I recently read that even Ferber has adjusted some of his stricter rules.

What about co-sleeping? Co-sleeping requires no training, no schedules, and is relatively effortless. It has been practiced by parents for thousands of years. The Japanese parents sleep like a ‘river’: with both parents being river banks and the child being the water running in the middle. How poetic! Despite my mother’s worries of me rolling over and suffocating my baby, cases of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) occur LESS with co-sleeping! Apparently, the baby learns to regulate breathing and heart beat during sleep from their parents. It turns out that the parent can help the baby and put them out of harm’s way faster if they sleep together (e.g., in case of fire, it may be too late by the time parents get to the baby’s room or in the case of kidnapping). As an added plus, breastfeeding mothers do not have to get up in the middle of the night for feeding, they can learn to do it in bed!

Co-sleeping is natural for the baby, but requires the adult to learn to sleep with a baby whereas Ferber’s method tries to teach the BABY to sleep like an adult. (However, if my husband could do it, I say, EVERYONE can do it! :) ) There are drawbacks to sleeping with a baby: you will never sleep like a baby! Co-sleeping has to be done responsibly. This means you have to go to bed with a clear head (no alcohol, no drugs, etc.) so that you will know what is happening even when you are sleeping. Soft beds, fluffy pillows, electrical blankets and smoking should be eliminated from the bedroom.

Sleeping is a strange activity. Think about it: we all need to sleep for almost half the day. In the end we spend almost one third of our total life span in sleep. Some babies sleep easily and some don’t. Learning to fall asleep takes time. It is a skill to master to switch our brain from emitting beta waves to alpha waves to theta waves.

Keep in mind that every baby is unique and there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ method to help your baby fall asleep. Learn about different options and in the end do what feels right for you and your baby.

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