Archive for July, 2010

Setting limits for ourselves and our children

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

“Cut it smaller!” said our two-year-old daughter, DD2.

“Is this good?” asked the well-meaning, patient dad as he cut a slice of pepperoni in half.

“No, cut it smaller!” whined DD2.

“Even smaller… Like this?” asked dad as he cut the pepperoni into even tinier quarters.

“No, smaller, smaller!” whined DD2 with a higher and more annoying tone of voice.

“Honey, please stop. That’s small enough.” said I, the exasperated mom.

“But sweetheart, I read this article the other day that talked about listening to one’s kids…”

–

That article happens to be my previous post … :)

Listening to our kids is very important but setting limits is equally important for us and our children. The dangers of listening and then doing as we are told are many. If we ever want to have a good (=peaceful, friendly, enjoyable, thougtful, honest, etc.) relationship with our children, it’s not going to happen if we only listen to them and do their bidding. Of course, we can listen and NOT do their bidding…

Listen or not to listen? The answer is simple: to listen. So that’s not the problem. To do or not to do as we are told by our children is the real problem. Fortunately, there IS a middle way, which is extremely difficult to reach. We will move from one extreme to another like a pendulum until we find that peaceful medium. This dance between the extremes and finding the balance is what I call the ‘art of parenting’.

What’s wrong with doing what we are told to do? Nothing. It’s a matter of choice and our choices are largely influenced by:

a) our character/personality;

b) our experiences with our own parents;

c) cultural influences;

d) our immediate mood.

I have seen a vast array of parents ranging from those who try to do everything for their children to those who are content observing their children.

We need to set aside all the factors that shape our choices and tune into ‘the moment of struggle’. Our kids are different; times are different; situations we find ourselves in are different. Even though there may be similarities, if we put everything together (person + time + place + event), we ALWAYS end up with a unique situation.

This does not mean that there are no guidelines for the parent to be a parent. After all, we ARE the parents—the grownups—and even though at times it seems like our kids DO run our lives and our household, we need to keep the following in mind.

1. A kid does not run the household.

Who cleans the house? Who does the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishwashing, the ironing, the cooking, etc.? Who takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick? Who earns the money to pay for all the food, the clothing, the home, the games, the toys, the holidays, the techno gadgets? Yes, you guessed right. WE, the PARENTS do!!!

The parents are in charge and they are the ones taking care of the kids. We, as parents, already do a whole lot of stuff for our kids without them even asking for it! So chill, if you feel guilty you didn’t get the itouch that your kids wanted so badly from you. They will live.

2. Set YOUR limits.

Think of limits as a field of tall grass. The grass bows to the wind in order to keep its peaceful existence. A strong wind may flatten the grass as long as it lasts, but as soon as the wind is gone, the grass raises itself once more gracefully—unharmed. Our children are our wind: sometimes a breeze, sometimes a hurricane.

Planting a field of tall grass and then taking care of it so that it does not wither away are not easy tasks, but they’re important. It gives us—the parents—and our children a nice playing field.

Just like every child being unique, every parent is unique. Thus, every parent has a different idea of what kind of field they would like to plant: how big it will be, what kind of grass to plant, how often to trim the grass, etc.

We reach, what I call, our ‘boiling point’ when we neglect our field of grass and our dear wind starts to wreak havoc on our crops, i.e., when we let things slide and let our kids push our (their) limits. Our household starts brewing like a witch’s cauldron: we get frustrated and/or angry and scream at our children; in return they scream back at us; we wonder where we went wrong and how our dear little angels turned into such spoiled brats.

We need to set our own limits with our own children – not the neighbor’s limits. (We got these extremely cute polka-dotted wooden clogs for DD2. She loves thomping around the house in those clogs, but after about 5 minutes of tock-tock-tock-clickety-clock, I have enough. The first day, after 10 minutes of toleration, I blurted out inadvertently, “Sweetie, it’s too much noise for the neighbors. Take the clogs off.” My husband joined forces with me and our DD2 stomped even harder. Oops!!! Our household just reached the ‘boiling point’: she protested loudly, I got even more frustrated, my husband joined my frustration. First of all, why did I tell her about the neighbors? The neighbors had not complained—yet. It was I—the mama—who was annoyed! Who knows whether the neighbors were even at home or not? Maybe our neighbors’ noise tolerance is way more than 10 minutes… I don’t know! What I know is my own limit, but I was not paying attention to that until the noise was getting totally on my nerves and even then I had to use the neighbors as an excuse… The next morning, when DD2 headed towards her beloved clogs, my husband tried to create a new rule in the house and announced that the clogs were not to be worn inside because the noise could disturb the neighbors—again the not-yet-complaining neighbor’s limits were being enforced… Our pendulum just swung from 10 minute toleration to 0 minute toleration. Ding dong! You know what I mean? Our solution: let her walk around a bit—not more than 5 minutes!—and then tell her to walk barefoot. Limit set, kid happy, parents happy.)

One last note on setting limits: set your limits so that you still have enough patience or tolerance to deal with any setbacks the wind may blow in your direction.

3. Listen to yourself, listen to your kid.

Setting limits is a tricky business and you will discover that it is a process that keeps changing and evolving over time. Some limits will be discarded naturally whereas some may stick around and some will have to be changed.

A child’s growth rate is much faster than that of the parent’s, which presents an interesting challenge for the parent. Our job as a parent is to be one step ahead of the game if we don’t want to find ourselves in situations where we feel like we want to smack our kid.

The key to successfully managing our ever-changing interaction with our kid is to listen. Listen to our own inner child AND listen to our kids. Understand where everybody is coming from and come up with a win-win solution. This requires mindful thinking, patience, understanding, honesty, and good communication skills. Like I said, it is no small feat!

4. Preserve the dignity of every household member.

It is important to preserve the dignity of each and every household member when we are setting limits and protecting our boundaries. Even though children may seem ‘childish’ and behave as if they don’t understand any of the stuff that is happening, it is important we show them the respect that they deserve as human beings. And as parents, we are not to be our children’s slaves, but their guides and beacons in life. Make sure that you set your limits in a way that does not take away your dignity. This way your children will always respect you for being who you are.

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Listening to our children

Monday, July 26th, 2010

“Only remember one thing before you go home—love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

excerpt from Portraits (1979) by Cynthia Freeman

I had written this quote on a piece of paper 19 years ago when I was 19. (How weird is that!!?) I stumbled upon it when I was flipping through an old notebook in my parents’ house. I don’t even remember what the book was about. However, this part must have struck a chord with me because I went through the trouble of writing it down and dating it August 17, 1991.

Maybe I was leaving a message for my future self…

No, not MAYbe. I WAS leaving a message for my future self.

If there is anything I have learned in life so far; it is the simple fact that there are no coincidences. If I happen upon a piece of paper that I wrote 19 years ago when I was 19, it is too wacky a coincidence to be a coincidence. You know what I mean? I mean it was no coincidence. It just was meant to be.

I think I know why I wrote it down. Most of my life, I have felt that my mother was not listening to me. She claimed she knew what was best for me; she claimed to do the right things for me; she claimed that some of my choices were wrong; she claimed she knew me better than I knew myself. You get the picture? (Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to bash my mother, in fact, I truly believe that her intentions were pure and she meant no harm. She is a wonderful person with a heart of gold and I love her dearly. After all, I am who I am partly because of her, so if I bash her, that means I bash a part of myself!)

Now that I have children of my own, one thing I try to do is to listen. I make every effort to listen to them, to understand where they are coming from to give them the space for their personalities to flourish.

After I came across Cynthia’s quote, I began thinking again. Do I listen enough? And do my kids listen to me? Because being listened to is just as important as listening. Listening and being listened to are like two sides of a coin. If I don’t listen, then how can I expect my children to listen to me? If my children don’t listen to what I say, are they to blame or am I to blame? (Well, I never want to blame anybody for anything, but being human and all, when things don’t work out the way we want them to, most of us like to point a finger at something to ease our frustrations—even though it is not the most constructive way of resolving problems.)

Listening to children is not an easy task at all. The fact that our babies are born ‘speechless’ makes it even harder, because we—the parents—have to figure out what they are ‘saying’. This is especially challenging for first-time parents since they are totally unprepared for baby language 101, which consists mostly of crying.

However, ask any experienced mother and they can easily distinguish between cries of hunger and cries of boredom. In fact, there is a long list of different cries ranging from the ‘change-me-I-pooped’ cries, to ‘pick-me-up-I-want-to-be-held’ cries, to ‘I-don’t-want-this’ cries, to ‘play-with-me’ cries, to ‘I’m-tired-but-can’t-sleep’ cries, etc.

Unfortunately, they don’t teach us how to listen to a baby at school—maybe they should! Most people get annoyed with crying babies and children, because they don’t know how to listen. All they want is for the baby to shut up. Now, I, on the other hand, get annoyed with those people, because here is a being who is trying to communicate in the best way s/he can what his/her problem is. These precious little beings are our future and it is up to us to help them the best way we can. We bring them into this world. Is it not our responsibility to try to understand them? If we just expect them to do our bidding, then how is our relationship with our children any different than that of a master-slave relationship?

There is some good advice to first-time parents about why babies cry and how to stop it. The advice consists mainly of telling parents to make sure that all the baby’s physical and emotional needs are met, i.e., feeding, changing diapers, dressing appropriately, gas pains, etc. If all the baby’s needs are met and the baby is still crying, the advice is to tell the parents to relax because it is normal for the average baby to cry about 1,5 to 2 hours per day for no reason at all.

Well, this is the part where I have to raise my voice and say, “Objection!” Just because WE don’t understand why a baby is crying does NOT mean that the baby is crying for ‘no reason at all’. A crying baby is definitely trying to communicate something. WE are the ones who are incapable of deciphering its message.

Moreover, the ‘average’ baby does not exist. WE have created the ‘average’ baby to make OUR lives easier. In the process, we have done great injustice to every baby’s unique existence. Even though I write it out like this, I am still guilty of comparing my children to some phantom average child to reassure myself that my children are ‘normal’. And what if they’re not ‘normal’? What then?

We have to stop measuring our kids against a benchmark that does not exist.

Instead of relying on the ‘average’ baby/kid advice to approach our children, we can start listening to our kids and learn from them. We have to stop responding to them based on the ‘average’ kid model. For example, feeding our babies is usually based on the ‘average’ kid model: what to feed our babies, when and how often we need to breastfeed, when to start introducing solids, what should they eat as they grow older, etc. However, the ‘average’ baby feeding model has failed me with both my children. And you know what? Even though I tried in the same way, they both turned out to have totally different feeding habits and preferences. How remarkable is that!

Sleep advice is also based on the ‘average’ kid model and when it boils down to applying it to the individual kid, most of the time, it.just.does.not.work!

Learning to listen to our children is the key to establishing and keeping good communication channels with them. It starts with tuning into the baby talk and then just blossoms into more beautiful and meaningful interactions with our children. Listening is not simply done with ears. We need to rely on all our five senses plus more—our sixth sense, our feelings, our intuition, our hearts. Only when we are capable of ‘listening’ with total sincerity and respect, can our children make themselves be heard and be open to listen to what we have to say.

Like Cynthia Freeman said, “Love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

How do you listen to your children?

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The Illusion of Civilization

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

[June 24, 2010, Adana, Turkey]

I wake up to the sound of the howling wind, the lightning flashes in the far distance, and a slamming door. I sit up in bed, my heart racing.

What is this?

Unexpected weather. That’s all it is. Had it been in a northern country in the middle of the winter, it would have been totally normal. I would be nicely cuddled under the covers, with the heater on, with tightly insulated doors and windows… A storm brewing outside? Not a care in the world… It is expected.

But here? In Adana, Turkey, at the end of June? Totally unexpected. And it makes me worry. Global cooling?  (Hey, ‘global-warming-worry’ is now getting old. I need a new worry :-) )

We have been here for only two weeks and I have been annoyed with the warm weather, the cold weather, the power cuts, the leaking water tank, the hot water, the cold water, the slow internet, the road rage. Where is the western civilization? I don’t want to feel any fluctuation in weather temperature. I don’t want to have to deal with the water temperature or the water pressure of my shower. I don’t want power cuts. Lights go out when I flip the switch—not randomly! And internet: the slow speed is killing me—okay, I can handle that, but then how do I handle the fact that I can’t access youtube?

WESTERN CIVILIZATION! Where the heck are you?

I look outside the window. The crazy wind has gone; it is eerily quiet. Lovely view outside: the lake shimmering with twinkling city lights in the distance; the moon looking old like a shriveled potato near the horizon. The usual frog chatter is missing and there is utter tranquility on our side of the lake— but now I hear drums in the distance… If I were on a safari in Africa, the sound would be expected, but here? It sounds creepy and annoying. (See? I have found something else to be annoyed with.) Are we in a tribal country? No. So what are these drum sounds? Can somebody please make them stop? It’s getting on my nerves! WESTERN CIVILIZATION! Where the heck are you???

…

[July 6, 2010, Amsterdam, Netherlands]

The Netherlands has beaten Uruguay 3-2 and now is in the World Cup final.

Sitting at home in the heart of Amsterdam, I hear the ‘western civilization’ go utterly wild outside.

I was out earlier today with my children and made every effort to get myself back home before 7 pm, because I wanted to avoid that overly enthusiastic crowd eagerly waiting to fill in various pubs and cafes to watch the match beginning at 8:30 pm. Cycling towards home before 7 pm, the streets were already busy with people clad in all sorts of orange gear—hats, wigs, glasses, stockings, etc. (you-name-it-they’ve-got-it!). The police was slowly taking their positions in strategic spots to prevent any enthusiast turning into an aggressor/aggrevator. Traffic was already turning into a mess with reckless cyclists and pedestrians… I had to keep an extra close watch on my 10 year old kid. Uhm, western civilization, where the heck are you???

And now the noise emanating from the whole city sounds like a torrential rain mixed with saxophones, drum beats, disco beat, honking cars, police sirens, car alarms going off… It is to be expected, though, right? We are in the World Cup final!!! Party, party, party, western civilization!

May I be annoyed? It is 11:15 pm and I would like to go to bed and sleep. Can somebody please stop the madness outside?

HEY, BUT THIS IS EXPECTED!!!

I guess this is the secret of western civilization. Even the madness and the craziness are planned in such a way that they are EXPECTED. Most about everything is EXPECTED. Nothing unexpected happens. (We had a water outage for one hour yesterday – the first that I have encountered in the last two years and even THAT was planned. Oh, the beauty and the predictability of western civilization…) And when something unexpected happens, it is because of dear Mother Nature. She strikes down with a hurricane or an earthquake or a volcano… How unpredictable and inconvenient… Shame on you Mother Nature, for bringing uncertainty into our lives!

While we were in Turkey, we spent time in a village up in the mountains. My dear hubby pointed out to me that the people were really poor. I had to agree and disagree with him. Yes, they LOOKED poor given the western civilization standards: shabby clothes, old shoes, no iphones, no fancy cars, old motorcycles, bad roads, no banks :-) —not much of a cash flow anywhere… But then, I thought they were rich in a way we would never be. They ate off of their land fruits and vegetables that tasted nothing like the stuff we get here – nothing sprayed with chemicals or pesticides… They cut and ate their own sheep and chicken, who roam free–because there is no money to fence them in… They bake their own bread in old fashined stone ovens with wood from the forest—no money to buy any fancy fuel or fancy ovens… They make their own clothes… These people were self-sufficient and were able to live without the luxuries that I have become addicted to in western civilization.

Western civilization, what have you done to me? Given me the magical paper money (and lots and lots of it), so that I can spend it on stuff that will make me happy (what would I do without my laptop?), so that I can buy any and every kind of insurance to reduce the evil uncertainties that may sneek up on me…

Western civilization has given me the illusion that I have control over my life and things that happen in my life. Nothing unexpected happens anymore. I live in my fish bowl.

I go to Turkey—an aquarium :-) —and immediately I start missing my little fish bowl. Oh, the sweet illusion…

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