Archive for August, 2010

Dossier Van Gogh: gek of geniaal? (mad or genius)

Sunday, August 29th, 2010

I am no art fan, but I had heard of Vincent van Gogh (1853 – 1890). Shortly after moving to Amsterdam, I found out that Van Gogh was in fact Dutch and that the Van Gogh museum was only 5 minutes cycling distance from where we lived. Naturally, I was excited with the prospect of becoming more knowledgeable about the fellow and his artwork. However, my expectations must have been set a bit too high… As I was leaving the museum, I could not help but think that I had paid too much entrance fee (€14) for a guy who was overrated because of a bunch of farm pictures he had painted. He was little known and little appreciated for his art during his short life span of 37 years. It was after his death that he became famous largely due to his sister-in-law’s continuous efforts to promote his work. At that time, I thought she had done an outstanding marketing job and made a nice living out of it…

When I saw the ad for ‘Dossier Van Gogh: gek of geniaal (=mad or genius)?’ exhibition at Dolhuys museum, I could not help but feel a pang of sympathy for Van Gogh… Even long after his death, people are still debating whether his paintings were the fruits of a sick mind or a genius. More than 150 psychiatrists have tried to pinpoint the cause of his mental ailments and have come up with some 30 different diagnoses… What difference does it make? Who cares?

Creativity requires some ‘craziness’.

Most of us live by gender norms, cultural norms, social norms, family norms, and other you-name-it norms. Most of the time we adopt these norms automatically—without even giving them a second thought, because they help us function smoothly in dealing with others. We all have this urge to want to ‘fit in’ and the norms we live by define what is ‘normal’. What is our first reaction when we meet someone who is not ‘normal’? We label them as crazy or ingenius or we simply can’t believe our eyes…

  • “Wow! That’s totally crazy!”
  • “That’s awesome! She must be a real genius!”
  • “That’s insane! Why would anyone do that sort of thing?”
  • “I can’t believe it!”

Isn’t it then ‘normal’ that we develop a tendency to label those who live outside the norms as ‘insane’?

(Here is some crazy behavior: In Turkey, it is customary for men to kiss each other on the cheek upon seeing each other—twice!—and sometimes with an accompanying hearty hug. I still get amused by the disbelieving look on the face of a ‘civilized’ western guy when caught off guard with this custom—which is totally ‘normal’ given Turkish cultural norms of course…)

“There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line,” says Oscar Levant (1906 – 1972). Is there really a fine line between genius and insanity? Or are genius and insanity the two ends of a spectrum? What does the spectrum look like? A line with two opposite ends or a circle with no end?

Artists are creative folks. Their courage to live outside the norms enables them to create some awesome stuff. They keep at it in the face of financial difficulty, disapproval from others, living as an outcast. I find it remarkable and praiseworthy. If anything, we all need to be a bit crazier in order to turn on the light of creativity in our lives…

Creativity has no place to blossom in a norm-defined life.


~~~


Johanna Gesina van Gogh – Bonger (1862 – 1925)

I owe an apology to this lady, who was Van Gogh’s sister-in-law. I was too quick to label her as just-a-smart-marketer of Van Gogh’s work after his death. My perception of her at the museum does great injustice to her life and personality. She had been married to Van Gogh’s brother Theo for only 1.5 years before Theo died. I read the memoir that her son (Van Gogh’s nephew) wrote for her and I was quite touched by her story.

Here is an excerpt from a letter she wrote to a friend taken from the memoir:

“The letters have taken a large place in my life already, since the beginning of Theo’s illness. The first lonely evening which I spent in our home after my return I took the package of letters. I knew that in them I should find him again. Evening after evening that was my consolation after the miserable days. It was not Vincent whom I was seeking but Theo. I drank in every word, I absorbed every detail. I not only read the letters with my heart, but with my whole soul. And so it has remained all the time. I have read them, and reread them, until I saw the figure of Vincent clearly before me. Imagine for one moment my ex-perience, when I came back to Holland – realizing the greatness and the nobility of that lonely artist’s life. Imagine my disappointment at the indifference which people showed, when it concerned Vincent and his work…. Sometimes it made me very sad. I remember how last year, on the day of Vincent’s death, I went out late in the evening. The wind blew, it rained, and it was pitch-dark. Everywhere in the houses I saw light and people gathered around the table. And I felt so forlorn that for the first time I understood what Vincent must have felt in those times, when every body turned away from him, when he felt “as if there were no place for him on earth…” I wished that I could make you feel the influence Vincent had on my life. It was he who helped me to accommodate my life in such a way that I can be at peace with myself. Serenity – this was the favorite word of both of them, the something they considered the highest. Serenity – I have found it. Since that winter, when I was alone, I have not been unhappy – “sorrowful yet always rejoicing,” that was one of his expressions, which I have come to understand now.”

Johanna made a great contribution to history by relentlessly promoting Van Gogh’s work. She was anything but ‘just-a-smart-marketer’.

More than that, she was an admirable mother.

~~~

How to establish healthy relationships?

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

I wrote this post first in Turkish, but then I wanted to also translate it into English. How difficult that proved to be! Lost in translation… Some things just cannot be translated and the gist of it disappears down the drain. Oh, well. Here is what is left without the gist :)

‘Sometimes, life is cruel.’ This is what a close relative of mine had told me on a really, really bad day of my life. I had to make a choice and either option was just as painful as the other one. I could not set my priorities straight. Life sometimes puts us through some cruel tests.

I had to think about me and make me my priority. This was the cruelty. I wanted to help the other person, but knew I really could not be of real help… And I knew that if I were to offer my help, it would not mean much anyways… And I knew that whatever I did, would not be enough and that more would be asked from me—until I would have nothing left to give… And most importantly, I knew that what was being asked from me would not solve the real underlying issue…

I was at the zoo yesterday watching butterflies emerging from their chrysalises and also chicks hatching from eggs. It was painfully slow. I wanted to reach out and give a hand, but they were nicely protected behind glass barriers from hands like mine. It seemed so difficult for them, yet so easy for me to help them. After 10 minutes, my daughter pulled me away. Neither the butterflies nor the chicks could come out of their shells in those 10 minutes. There were already two chicks that had already hatched, but they looked so tired and worn out. Just when I was wondering why no one bothered to give them any water, I noticed the sign on the wall: ‘New born chicks don’t eat or drink for some time. However, once they do, they start at it as if that’s what they have been doing all along.’

I don’t know about the chicks, but for butterflies they say that if you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it won’t be able to fly. It is the battle to break free that makes the butterfly fly.

Things are not much different when it comes to our relationships.

The three building blocks of a healthy relationship are: mutual respect, honesty and openness. In the long run, the presence of these elements builds mutual trust. Lack of any one of these elements will hamper the development of trust.

Sometimes we dismiss honesty and openness to save the day. Even though our intentions may be pure in doing so (such as protecting the other party), keeping secrets or telling white lies creates mistrust. For example, we usually hold off on giving bad news to our children or we keep secrets, because we don’t want to upset them with the truth. However, consistently behaving like this creates cracks in the foundation of our relationship with our children. No matter what the issue is, if it involves our children or if they have a right to know, we have to be honest and open about it. We have to figure out the best way to deliver the news in a language that is appropriate for their age. This is our challenge as a parent if we want to establish a long-lasting and healthy relationship with our children.

As counter intuitive as it is, love does not enter the equation in order to establish a healthy relationship. In fact, love stands in the way towards building a healthy relationship, because along with love comes other accompanying feelings, expectations and urges: to protect the one we love from getting hurt, to watch out for their best interest, to expect to be loved back…

We have to keep love in our hearts where it belongs. Living a life without love is like eating food with no flavor. However, we will not build our relationships based on love, but on respect-honesty-openness triangle. Should the relationship no longer continue one day, then love will stay with us always.

In our relationships, we have to hold the mirror to both parties. If there are problems in our relatioship, we shall first take a good look at ourselves in the mirror:

  1. Do I respect the other person’s decisions, choices, and personality? (I can listen to the other person with respect and do not try to change the other person in any way.)
  2. Given the problems we are experiencing in our relationship, am I being honest to the other person?
  3. Have I opened all my cards on the table? In other words, have I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings? (I am not keeping any secrets.)

Unfortunately, in most of our relationships, we can’t answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. We don’t have to answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. However, if we have people in our lives that we truly care about and we want to establish an authentic and deep relationship with them, then our answers to all these questions have to be ‘yes.’ If we can’t say ‘yes’, then we have to open our communication channels. This may not be very easy. The other person may not want to hear the truth or may be angry with you… Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to do the right thing. When being honest to one’s self is already no small feat, being able to be honest to the other person? This is why carrying on peaceful relationships can be a major challenge.

If we have been able to say ‘yes’ to all three questions from our heart and there are still problems in our relationship, then it is time to look at how the other party is treating us. We shall now ask these questions to ourselves:

  1. Does the other party show respect to my personality, choices and decisions? (The other person listens to me and does not try to change me.)
  2. Is the other party being honest with me?
  3. Has the other party put all their cards on the table? In other words, has the other party been open about what s/he thinks and feels? (S/he is not keeping secrets from me.)

We can never know the true answer to the last 2 questions—it’s more of a gut feeling that we get, because we can never know another person 100%. However, we will have an answer for the first question right away. If the other person does not listen to us, dismisses our thoughts and feelings, tries to change us, then we need to realize that the other party does not respect us.

Let’s say that one or both parties insist that they are trying to help the other and trying to show them the ‘right’ way for their own good. If we all have free will, then isn’t everyone entitled to choose for themselves? How does being in a relationship change all that?

Hence, if you are in a relationship and you believe that you truly abide by the respect-honesty-openness triangle, yet you feel you are not being respected by the other party, then it is time for you to take a step back in the relationship. Wait a bit. Let the butterfly break out of its chrysalis. Let it fly without your help. If it flutters by your window, oh what a joy that should be…

Butterfly Emergence

İlişkilerimiz ve biz: Nasıl sağlıklı bir ilişki kurabiliriz?

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

‘Hayat bazen çok acımasız.’ Çok kötü bir günümde bir yakınım böyle söylemişti bana. Ne yapmam gerektiğine bir türlü karar veremiyordum, önümü net göremiyordum. Hayat acımasızlıklarla insanı sınar.

İnsan en önce kendisini düşünecek. Acımasızlık burda. Karşındakine vermek isteyip, ama gerçekten veremeyeceğini bilmek… Veya verdiğinin bir işe yaramayacağını bilmek… Veya ne versen yetmeyeceğini, karşındakinin senden daha fazla isteyeceğini bilmek… Taa ki verecek birşeyin kalmayana kadar. Veya ısrarla istenen şeyin esas sorunu çözmeyeceğini bilmek…

Dün hayvanat bahçesinde uzun uzun kozadan çıkmaya çalışan kelebekleri ve de yumurtadan çıkmaya çalışan civcivleri seyrettim. İçim eridi. Sanki bir ömür sürüyor. Uzanıp da yardım etmek geliyor içimden, ama erişemiyorum… Epey bakmama rağmen gitme vakti geldiğinde ne kelebekler kozadan çıkmayı becerebilmişlerdi ne de civcivler yumurtalarının kabuklarını tamamıyla kırıp dışarı çıkabilmişlerdi… İki tane civciv vardı yumurtalarından zaten çıkmış olan. Ama o kadar bitkin görünüyorlardı ki… Sanki ölecek gibiydiler. ‘Bunlara niye birisi su vermiyor?’ diye geçirdim içimden. Tam o anda duvardaki bir yazı dikkatimi çekti: ‘Yeni doğan civcivler yumurtadan çıkınca bir süre hiç birşey yemez ve içmezler. Ama canlanınca sanki en doğal şeymiş gibi yemlerini yiyip su içmeye başlarlar.’

Civcivleri bilmiyorum, ama kelebek kozaları için derler ki: ‘Eğer kelebeğin kozasından çıkmasına yardım ederseniz, o kelebek uçamaz.’ Kelebeğin kozadan çıkmak için verdiği savaş, onun özgürce uçmasına sebeptir.

İlişkilerimizde bazen biz de kaş yaparken göz çıkarabiliyoruz.

Sağlıklı ilişkilerin temelinde olması gerekenler: karşılıklı saygı, dürüstlük ve açıklık. Zaman içinde bu 3 özellik ilişkide karşılıklı güven duygusunun oluşmasına yol açar. İlişkide bu 3 temel esas alınmaz ise karşılıklı güven oluşması çok zordur.

Bazen anı kurtarmak için dürüstlükten veya açıklıktan feragat ederiz. Sebeplerimiz arasında karşımızdaki insanı korumak amacı olsa bile dürüst ve açık olmamak güvensizlik yaratır. Çocuklarımıza kötü haber vermek istemeyiz, bazı şeyleri saklarız onlardan, çünkü onları üzmek istemeyiz. Fakat bu davranış ilişkinin temelinde gizli çatlaklar oluşturur. Haber ne kadar kötü olursa olsun, onu bir şekilde söyleyebilmeliyiz. Bu da ebeveyn olarak bizim imtihanımız—tabii ki çocuğumuzla olan ilişkimiz bizim için önemli ise…

Sağlıklı bir ilişki için karşılıklı sevgiye gerek yoktur. Bilakis sevgi bazen ilişkiyi zedeleyecek kararlar aldırtabilir bize… Çünkü beraberinde koruma ve kollama hislerini de getirir.

Sevgiyi kalbimizin içinde koruyacağız. Hayatımıza sevgi dolu yaklaşacağız fakat ilişkilerimizde sevgiyi değil saygı-dürüstlük-açıklık 3’lüsünü temel alacağız. Olur da ilişki gün gelir zarar görürse, karşımızdakine karşı duyduğumuz sevgi daima bizle kalacak.

İçinde bulunduğumuz ilişkilerde aynayı iki taraflı tutmak gerekir. Eğer ilişkide problemler varsa, önce iyicene bir kendimize bakacağız:

  1. Karşımdakinin kararlarına, kişiliğine saygı duyuyor muyum? (Karşımdakini dinliyorum ve kendi fikirlerimin doğruluğunda ısrar etmeyip karşımdakini değiştirmeye çalışmıyorum.)
  2. İçinde bulunduğumuz problemli durumda ben dürüst müyüm?
  3. Kartlarımın hepsini masaya açıp karşımdakine gösterdim mi?

Maalesef içinde bulunduğumuz bu dünyada çoğu ilişkilerde bu soruların cevapları ‘evet’ değil. Olmak zorunda da değil, fakat bizim için gerçekten önemli insanlar varsa hayatımızda ve onlarla gerçek, içten ve samimi bir ilişki içinde olmak istiyorsak bu soruların cevaplarının hepsinin evet olması gerek. Eğer bu cevaplara evet diyemiyorsak, evet diyebilmek için iletişim kanallarımızı açmamız gerek. Bu hiç kolay olmayabilir. Karşımızdaki bunu kabul etmeyebilir, gerçekleri duymak sinirlendirebilir… Bazen doğru olanı yapmak herkesi zorlayabilir. İnsanın kendi kendine dürüst olabilmesi bile zorken, karşısındakine dürüst olabilmesi? İşte bu yüzden ilişkiler zordur.

Eğer bu 3 soruya gönülden evet cevabı verebildiysek ve ilişkide hala problem varsa, o zaman karşımızdakine bakacağız. Fakat bunu da kendi içimizde yapacağız:

  1. Benim kararlarıma ve kişiliğime saygı duyuyor mu? (Beni dinliyor ve kendi fikirlerinin doğruluğunda ısrar etmeyip beni değiştirmeye çalışmıyor.)
  2. Bana karşı dürüst mü?
  3. Bütün kartlarını masaya açtı mı yoksa sakladığı başka şeyler de mi var?

Son 2 sorunun cevabını tam olarak hiç bir zaman bilemeyiz—sadece bazen belki hissedebiliriz, çünkü kimse kimsenin içini tam olarak bilemez. Fakat 1. sorunun cevabını hemen bilebiliriz. Karşımızdaki kendisinin haklı olduğunda ısrar edip, bizim kararlarımızı değiştirmeye çalışıyorsa, o zaman bilin ki karşınızdaki size saygı göstermiyor.

Diyelim ki her iki taraf da birbirinin iyiliği için bazı şeylerde ısrar ediyor ve aklınca karşısındakini ‘doğru’ yola getirmeye çalışıyor. Allah insanları özgür iradeyle yaratmış. Allah’ın bize kul olarak verdiği doğru ve yanlış davranma özgürlüğünü kul kulun elinden nasıl alabilir?

Eğer bir ilişkide siz elinizden gelen 3 temele göre davrandığınız halde karşınızdakinin size saygı duymadığını hissediyorsanız, ilişkide bir geri adım atma zamanı gelmiş demektir. Biraz bekleyin. Kelebek kozadan çıksın. Sizin yardımınız olmadan uçsun. Eğer dönüp de sizin pencerinize konarsa ne mutlu size…

Kelebek kozadan nasıl çıkıyor?

How to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles?

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

“Mama! Mamaa!! Mamaaa!!! … Crocodile! Crocodile!” whimpers my two-year-old, DD2, as tears swell up in her eyes. “Here!!! Crocodile! Mamaa!!!”

Her fear is real. She SEES a crocodile. Is there REALLY a crocodile? I don’t SEE one, but does that mean there is no crocodile?

What can I do?

I could deny her claim and try to prove my point by ‘showing’ her that there is nothing to see. But if it’s I who can’t see the crocodile and she is the one who sees it, how can I make her ‘unsee’ what she claims to see? How can I make her crocodile disappear?

Denial is usually not the best approach, because it rarely works. As a general rule of thumb, never deny a child’s claims as it can be interpreted in one or more of the following ways:

  • “Mom does not believe me!”
  • “Mom thinks I’m lying…”
  • “Mom can’t help save me from this crocodile, because she can’t see it!”
  • “I don’t believe Mom!”
  • “Mom is lying… She is just as scared as I am, but she won’t admit it.”

So what works? The expert advice revolves around the following:

  1. Acknowledge the fear in a neutral way – no putdowns, no overreactions.
  2. Talk about it.
  3. If it gets out of hand, ask for professional help.

This advice sounds nice and everything, but it’s not so effective when it comes to dealing with toddlers. Why? First of all, talking to a toddler is overrated. Second of all, parental creativity is underrated—in fact, it’s hardly ever mentioned.

Here is the story of my fierce battle with the crocodile:

Our crocodile first appeared when DD2 was taking a bath in her tub filled with a whole bunch of water toys. I didn’t see ‘it’ coming. It all happened very quickly. All of a sudden, DD2 started shrieking and tried to jump out of her tub. At first, I thought she must have hurt herself, although I couldn’t see how. She was absolutely t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. Then I had the wits to ask her what it was and she let out a wail, “Crocodile! In the water! Crocodile!” Upon hearing this, I kept my cool and started taking out all the toys from the tub to ‘show’ her that there were no crocodiles, which of course, proved useless. She just kept on screaming and became so agitated that she started flailing all arms and legs. I was quickly losing control of the situation and I screamed for my husband to help me get her out of the tub.

The next night, she would not get in the tub. I even emptied the whole tub in front of her and told her, “Look the crocodile is going away with the water.” There was no point in reasoning with her. According to her, the crocodile was not going anywhere.

Needless to say, DD2 has not yet taken another bath in her tub again. The crocodile had sabotaged the peaceful, fun filled baths that were also part of our bedtime routine. See how many problems just one invisible crocodile can create? 1. Fearful kid, 2. Kid won’t take a bath, 3. Bedtime routine interrupted… So help me God!

I let the matter rest a few days and did not wash her. However, I was determined to make bathtime enjoyable again and I had a brilliant idea: we were going to blow bubbles. I took her shopping with me and let her buy a new bottle of shampoo and a bottle of bubbles to blow. I told her we were going to blow bubbles in the bathroom. I did not fill the tub; instead, I let her sit on her step stool and gave her the showerhead, which made her very happy. We blew some bubbles and then I washed her. At some point, she did mention the crocodile, but I told her that it would be going down the drain with the water. We waved goodbye as it went down the drain…

Alas, my victory was short-lived. A few days later, the crocodile was on our bed—not under the bed like where they are supposed to be…

Again, I was caught off-guard. We were getting nicely settled in the bed with a book (we co-sleep), when all of a sudden DD2 froze. She was holding her breath as her eyes opened wide and large. Her gaze was fixated on a particular spot on the bed. The croc was in our bed.

I have to tell you here that until then DD2 had not seen crocodiles in her entire life—except in picture books. I have neither told her frightening stories about crocodiles nor threatened to feed her to the crocodiles. In fact, crocodiles are hardly ever mentioned in our household, so I have no idea how she could have conjured up an image of a fearsome crocodile—and that is, if she is making it up… Some people do say kids can see what adults can’t see…

Anyways, back to how I beat the invisible beast that crept into our bed… After I got over my initial shock, I had to think really fast to prevent the situation getting out of hand. The bathroom episode was still painfully fresh in my memory… Fight or flight? Fight, of course. I made a dash for the first weapon that came into my sight: the badminton rackets.

I started whacking the bed while I shooed away the crocodile. I like to think DD2 was so impressed by my bravery that she decided to join my cause. I kept telling the croc that it had to go sleep in its own bed at its home. After a few minutes, we both started laughing as we continued to beat the beast. It was almost as if we were fighting a boggart and chasing it away with the ‘Riddikulus’ charm

It did go away that night. However, it kept coming back and I could feel my trick losing its power. I could not fight an invisible crocodile. Sometimes she was even waking up and crying in the middle of the night saying that it was there. Besides, engaging in the whack-a-beast activity was not exactly conducive to sleep. What was I to do?

It was around this time that I read the advice on the internet about how to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles. I had done everything they had told me to do: acknowledge the fear, talk about it, etc. Was asking for professional help the only option left for me? Oh, no. I was not ready to take a professional’s advice over mine. Not just yet.

The following night when the croc came around, I totally changed tactics. I was not going to revert to ‘fight or flight’ strategy, but instead I decided to ‘tend and befriend’ the beast. So, instead of running for the badminton rackets, I invited the croc to come lie down with us and listen to the book we were going to read. Naturally, my reaction startled DD2. The element of surprise won over her fear. Not wanting to lose my advantage, I told the croc that it would have to sit quietly and then go to its own bed after listening to one page. I asked DD2 if that was okay. She nodded in approval. Yes! I was ecstatic, but kept my cool, of course. We proceeded likewise for a couple of weeks, but there came a night when DD2 said nothing about the crocodile. The crocodile had finally left us alone!

Our adventure with the crocodile lasted about two months. It was about four months ago that the crocodile crept in bed with us one last time to listen to a story. Since then, DD2 has seen a real crocodile at the zoo, to which she did not show an extreme fearful reaction. In fact, I am happy to observe that a lot of her animal related fears are also slowly subsiding.

I have talked to other parents and heard from them that fears around the age of two seem to be an issue with many children. So, before you decide to ask for professional help, talk to other parents and listen to their stories—of course, coming up with your own creative solution is always an option.

Here is my cup of tea for parents who worry about their young children’s fears:

1. Fear is real. Accept it with respect.

Accept the fact that fear is a part of life. A healthy dose of fear will go a long way protecting young children from getting themselves into dangerous situations. Young children can be fearful of new situations/events/people/animals/foods. This is their way of defending themselves. As they get to know what they are dealing with, their fear should subside and disappear eventually.

2. Get over your own fears. Don’t let your child’s fear worry you.

The last thing a fearful child needs is a worrisome/fearful parent nearby. A child will feel a parent’s worry/fear—just like a dog that smells fear. A parent’s worrisome, fearful reactions will escalate a child’s fear. If you have fear of dogs, the odds are your child will also be fearful of dogs—unless you successfully avoid situations involving a dog encounter.

3. Talk about the fear.

The whole point of talking is for the parent to find out what the source of the child’s fear is. By stating the problem clearly, it is easier to find a solution. Let your child do the talking and refrain from asking questions (or keep your questions very simple). A young child’s mind is very imaginative and just by asking too many questions, a parent may inadvertently ‘feed’ the fear and make it bigger. For example, once I found out that it was a crocodile, I did not ask DD2 any questions about the length of the crocodile or the number of sharp teeth it had.

4. Don’t talk about your own fears.

Your child is not your psychologist. Talking about your fears will overwhelm your young child even more.

5. Talk about solutions.

As a parent, you have to lead the way to coming up with solutions to the problem. However, get your child’s approval in the process. Are you going to fight the beast or befriend him? Does it comfort your child to leave the lights on? Can you help your child make friends with the fear?

If you feel you are not getting anywhere, ask for help from your partner and other parents to give you ideas for solutions.

6. Use distraction.

The timeless solution for dealing with many young children’s emotionally charged situations is distraction. If you feel you are getting in a rut and/or your child is getting frustrated and more fearful, switch to another activity (preferably an activity that you know your child likes).

7. Don’t dwell too much on the child’s fear.

Fears are a part of life. We all have our fears and our children are also entitled to have their own fears. As we go through life, fears come in all shapes and sizes: some go away quickly; some stay with us for a long time.

Dwelling on the fears makes it larger. Fear attracts fear. Have you ever sat around a bonfire and told each other spooky ghost tales? Do you remember how the fear and the suspense grow with every tale that is told? It’s not much different when dealing with your child’s fear. The more you dwell on it, the more it grows.

If you have additional ideas that you would like to share about your child’s fears, please drop me a line. I would love to read your comments.

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Helpful links:

  1. Fears
  2. Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight
  3. Tend and Befriend
  4. Can animals really smell fear?
  5. What is a boggart?
  6. The ‘Riddikulus’ charm

Het Huis Anubis — The House of Anubis

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I was looking for something interesting to watch for my two-year-old daughter, DD2, when I stumbled upon this girl, Nienke, singing ‘Het Huis Anubis’ (HHA, The House of Anubis). The audience was composed of kids who were 6 to 12 years old. I was surprised to see everybody in the crowd singing along with the singer. They all seemed to know the lyrics. What gave me the goosebumps was the name ‘Anubis’ being sung with such heartfelt enthusiasm by children.

Have you heard of Anubis? He is the black jackal-headed Egyptian god who is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead. His symbol is a blood splattered black and white ox-hide hanging from a pole.

Do you see why it disturbs me to see a bunch of kids dance to a song so whole-heartedly?  Do any of those kids even know what Anubis refers to???

He is the God of the Afterlife.

And what is Het Huis Anubis? It is not just a song. It is a theme song for the famous Belgian/Dutch children’s television drama, Het Huis Anubis. It has been so popular with teens that it is spreading like wildfire all over the planet. First, it was dubbed in Swedish, Danish, and Spanish. Afterwards, a German remake came out in September 2009. Finally, an English remake will start airing on Nickelodeon this fall in the U.S. (and later on in the U.K. and in Australia).

HHA tells the story of a bunch of teens living in a boarding school called the House of Anubis, which guards a secret.

Maybe it truly is a wonderful teen soap. Maybe there are good messages in it for our children. Maybe I should watch it before I start criticizing it…

However, I am so baffled by the choice of the title for this series that I am tempted to write about it before I even consider watching it. Why not some other name? J. K. Rowling has been exceptionally creative with coming up fictitious names for countless characters in her famous series, Harry Potter. Why couldn’t the creator/writer/producer come up with something else? Could it be they had no idea what Anubis means? In all my curiosity, I looked up the creator/producer/writer… I could not find a name. All that pops up on the internet is Studio 100 or Nickelodeon – so who is the genius behind the name? [Dear reader: if you can answer any of my questions, please by all means, enlighten me!]

It is no coincidence that I mentioned Harry Potter. I have come across some religious parents who forbid their children to read Harry Potter because they believe it promotes witchcraft and wizardry, which is a big ‘no-no’ in most religions. I wonder how these parents react to their children watching HHA on Nickelodeon… Is that okay?

The name is not the only thing that bothers me. It is also the logo of the series that caught my eye.

If you are into symbology, you already know what I am talking about. If not, here is the quickie on what the ‘eye’ that stands in place of the ‘A’ in ‘Anubis’ means: the “all-seeing-eye” whose origins can be traced back to ancient Egyptian mythology and also represents the eye of ‘God the Father’, the all-knowing and ever-present God in Christianity. By incorporating the ‘eye’ into the word ‘Anubis’, the logo insinuates the idea that the God of the Dead is God the Father (or vice versa). Can somebody honestly tell me this was a coincidence and they did not know what they were doing???

I don’t care what kind of story is being told in the series. Just by looking at the title and the logo, I want to ask this question: What is the underlying/subconscious message being sent to children/teenagers all over the planet?

In fact, it is not the first time that the name Anubis has been used on television. He is a character in Stargate SG-1, depicted as a most powerful and dangerous being. Here is a quote from another character, Selmak, describing Anubis, “You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable. Even to the Goa’uld.” However, I don’t have issues with this usage, because: 1) Stargate is not meant as a children’s show; 2) Anubis is one of many fictional ‘gods’ that are being utilized in the series; and 3) He is not exactly a sympathetic character.

As I have said before, maybe I am overreacting, maybe there is a perfectly good reason for this choice of title, maybe it’s actually a very good story, maybe it’s making our children aware of what is good and bad, maybe this is a wonderful way to familiarize our children with ancient symbology…

Nonetheless, how am I going to explain all this to my own 10-year-old kid if she ever wants to watch this soap? And even if she is not interested in watching, she will still be subject to all the ads promoting the series on television, thus, the subliminal message in the title.

How many of you parents out there are okay with the fact that your kid may enjoy watching a soap that tells the story of a bunch of kids living in the House of the God of the Dead?

-

Helpful links:

  1. Nienke, Het Huis Anubis
  2. Anubis (wikipedia)
  3. Anubis (www.egyptian myths.net)
  4. Het Huis Anubis (wikipedia)
  5. Het Huis Anubis (nickelodeon)
  6. Studio 100: US breakthrough with Anubis House
  7. House of Anubis moves from Belgium to Liverpool and the US with a first for Lime Pictures
  8. J. K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter
  9. Eye Christian Symbol
  10. Eye of Providence
  11. Stargate Anubis