I wrote this post first in Turkish, but then I wanted to also translate it into English. How difficult that proved to be! Lost in translation… Some things just cannot be translated and the gist of it disappears down the drain. Oh, well. Here is what is left without the gist 
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‘Sometimes, life is cruel.’ This is what a close relative of mine had told me on a really, really bad day of my life. I had to make a choice and either option was just as painful as the other one. I could not set my priorities straight. Life sometimes puts us through some cruel tests.
I had to think about me and make me my priority. This was the cruelty. I wanted to help the other person, but knew I really could not be of real help… And I knew that if I were to offer my help, it would not mean much anyways… And I knew that whatever I did, would not be enough and that more would be asked from me—until I would have nothing left to give… And most importantly, I knew that what was being asked from me would not solve the real underlying issue…
I was at the zoo yesterday watching butterflies emerging from their chrysalises and also chicks hatching from eggs. It was painfully slow. I wanted to reach out and give a hand, but they were nicely protected behind glass barriers from hands like mine. It seemed so difficult for them, yet so easy for me to help them. After 10 minutes, my daughter pulled me away. Neither the butterflies nor the chicks could come out of their shells in those 10 minutes. There were already two chicks that had already hatched, but they looked so tired and worn out. Just when I was wondering why no one bothered to give them any water, I noticed the sign on the wall: ‘New born chicks don’t eat or drink for some time. However, once they do, they start at it as if that’s what they have been doing all along.’
I don’t know about the chicks, but for butterflies they say that if you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it won’t be able to fly. It is the battle to break free that makes the butterfly fly.
Things are not much different when it comes to our relationships.
The three building blocks of a healthy relationship are: mutual respect, honesty and openness. In the long run, the presence of these elements builds mutual trust. Lack of any one of these elements will hamper the development of trust.
Sometimes we dismiss honesty and openness to save the day. Even though our intentions may be pure in doing so (such as protecting the other party), keeping secrets or telling white lies creates mistrust. For example, we usually hold off on giving bad news to our children or we keep secrets, because we don’t want to upset them with the truth. However, consistently behaving like this creates cracks in the foundation of our relationship with our children. No matter what the issue is, if it involves our children or if they have a right to know, we have to be honest and open about it. We have to figure out the best way to deliver the news in a language that is appropriate for their age. This is our challenge as a parent if we want to establish a long-lasting and healthy relationship with our children.
As counter intuitive as it is, love does not enter the equation in order to establish a healthy relationship. In fact, love stands in the way towards building a healthy relationship, because along with love comes other accompanying feelings, expectations and urges: to protect the one we love from getting hurt, to watch out for their best interest, to expect to be loved back…
We have to keep love in our hearts where it belongs. Living a life without love is like eating food with no flavor. However, we will not build our relationships based on love, but on respect-honesty-openness triangle. Should the relationship no longer continue one day, then love will stay with us always.
In our relationships, we have to hold the mirror to both parties. If there are problems in our relatioship, we shall first take a good look at ourselves in the mirror:
- Do I respect the other person’s decisions, choices, and personality? (I can listen to the other person with respect and do not try to change the other person in any way.)
- Given the problems we are experiencing in our relationship, am I being honest to the other person?
- Have I opened all my cards on the table? In other words, have I openly discussed my thoughts and feelings? (I am not keeping any secrets.)
Unfortunately, in most of our relationships, we can’t answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. We don’t have to answer ‘yes’ to all these questions. However, if we have people in our lives that we truly care about and we want to establish an authentic and deep relationship with them, then our answers to all these questions have to be ‘yes.’ If we can’t say ‘yes’, then we have to open our communication channels. This may not be very easy. The other person may not want to hear the truth or may be angry with you… Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to do the right thing. When being honest to one’s self is already no small feat, being able to be honest to the other person? This is why carrying on peaceful relationships can be a major challenge.
If we have been able to say ‘yes’ to all three questions from our heart and there are still problems in our relationship, then it is time to look at how the other party is treating us. We shall now ask these questions to ourselves:
- Does the other party show respect to my personality, choices and decisions? (The other person listens to me and does not try to change me.)
- Is the other party being honest with me?
- Has the other party put all their cards on the table? In other words, has the other party been open about what s/he thinks and feels? (S/he is not keeping secrets from me.)
We can never know the true answer to the last 2 questions—it’s more of a gut feeling that we get, because we can never know another person 100%. However, we will have an answer for the first question right away. If the other person does not listen to us, dismisses our thoughts and feelings, tries to change us, then we need to realize that the other party does not respect us.
Let’s say that one or both parties insist that they are trying to help the other and trying to show them the ‘right’ way for their own good. If we all have free will, then isn’t everyone entitled to choose for themselves? How does being in a relationship change all that?
Hence, if you are in a relationship and you believe that you truly abide by the respect-honesty-openness triangle, yet you feel you are not being respected by the other party, then it is time for you to take a step back in the relationship. Wait a bit. Let the butterfly break out of its chrysalis. Let it fly without your help. If it flutters by your window, oh what a joy that should be…
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