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Pastor’s advice to discipline children: Corporal punishment

Monday, November 7th, 2011

Never a day goes by when I am not struck by some bizarre piece of news. This time it is about a pastor and his wife who promote corporal punishment in disciplining children.  They have self-published a book, To Train Up a Child, which has 670,000 copies in circulation (nope, I did not make a typo – sixhundredseventythousand books in print being circulated!!!).

Now here is the punchline: Guess with which group of people this book is popular? Christian home-schoolers!!!

Here is the irony of the system in this country. The teachers at schools are under EXTREME pressure from the parents. They are being watched like a hawk and God help them if they so as much as lay a finger on a kid. They will probably lose their job… [I met a male kindergarten teacher once, who said he had to quit, because it was not appropriate for him to even touch the kids in his class—let alone give a hug—even though it was considered normal for female kindergarten teachers to be affectionate with their students.]

Okay, I admit, maybe some teachers are out of line and we have to protect our kids, but come on, we will never ever hear of a teacher using corporal punishment. Not in the United States of America. There would be a big upheaval and the teacher in question would be sued big time.

And then there is the occasional kid who is abused at home and the teacher can step in and call the authorities, then the parents can be sued of child abuse/neglect.

But how do we protect the home-schooled kids who have to live under the tyranny of parents who believe in corporal punishment and who actually carry it out??? Does it make corporal punishment okay when it is done in the name of God Almighty and Jesus Christ?

The Pearls, along with many conservative Christians, say the Bible calls for corporal punishment. “To give up the use of the rod is to give up our views of human nature, God, eternity,” they write in the book.

Three kids have already died, but the Pearls (the authors of the book) are not being charged. Fine, there is freedom of speech and you can write anything you want. But, how come they can ban Harry Potter in some states and not this book? Something just does not add up.

 

Links:

 

Disclosure: I am a strong advocate of attachment parenting and do not believe and have never exercised any form of physical punishment with my children. I believe there are a myriad of ways to get through to a child instead of reverting to aggressive behavior. 

 

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How to Hug a Porcupine

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Having a middle-schooler on my hands, suddenly I find myself in uncharted territory. There was a time when I used to be good at empathizing with older kids (Was that because it was so long ago that I myself was an older kid or was it because I have become too much of a parent after having kids – who knows?) Now I am baffled and half the time speechless as to what to do or how to behave in order to carry on a peaceful and meaningful relationship with my 11-year-old daughter.

 

Surely I am not the only one with this predicament, so I fish around for books. There are so many! Which one to read in my precious little time? How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie A. Ross was the winner of my jackpot.

 

She has some great advice in her book. The book is easy to read, her suggestions are easy to understand and practical, and she has great examples.

 

She describes the middle schoolers as hormonal, disorganized, and defiant. I totally agree. As if the sheer effect of hormones wreaking havoc on this age group is not enough, they have to deal with constant change in their physical bodies (as well as watching their friends transform physically into something else). On top of this, they have to learn to deal with their expanding mental abilities AND keep up with schoolwork AND keep up with increasing responsibilities around the house AND keep up with the growing expectations of people for them to start behaving like an adult. Wow! Typing it out like this already makes me feel nauseous! In short, it is very natural for a middle schooler to be hormonal, disorganized, and defiant. Who wouldn’t be?

 

Julie says, “Anticipate earthquakes. Say to yourself: ‘This is normal and to be expected.’” (p. 3)

 

Thus, it becomes crucial to be respectful towards our middle schoolers. It is just not the parents who are in uncharted territory: the kids themselves are there right alongside us. The kids are going through this period where they have to break out of their cocoons and transform into butterflies. They were caterpillars under our wings and now they have to learn to spread their own wings. No small feat…

 

Sometimes, it can be hard for a parent to be a bystander as their kids struggle to find their way. This is the predicament of most overprotective parents. We have to give our children the time and space they need to learn to fly. If you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it won’t be able to fly. It is the battle to break free that makes the butterfly fly.

 

Listening and understanding must accompany respectful communication with our children. They need to know we are there for them, but we have to be careful not to step on their shoes. It takes a lot of skill to find the middle way between being overprotective and being overly permissive. For example, some parents take it personally upon themselves to make sure their child turns in a perfect homework, but is that homework for the parent (this is what a friend of mine asked me when I was extending too much help on homework to curb the whining of my 5th grader!!!)? An example for the overly permissive parent would be that parent who gave $600 pocket money to a 5th grader going on a school field trip … What would a 5th grader do with that much money on a school field trip???

 

Having said all that, Julie emphasizes that, “Understanding our middle schooler does NOT mean we are condoning misbehavior or rudeness” (p. 84).

 

In her book, Julie has excellent discussions on how to communicate with our kids. She gives examples about ‘communication blocks’. My personal two favorites are ‘advising’ and ‘placating’ communication blocks.

  1. An advising parent would sound something like, “Next time, you should…” or “Well, what you need to do is go back to her and explain that…” Apparently when middle schoolers hear this kind of talk, what they think is along these lines: “I never do anything right.” Or “What happens is all my fault.”
  2. A placating parent would sound something like, “Oh, honey. You’re beautiful/talented/smart no matter what she/he said about you.” And the middle schooler would be thinking, “Mom/Dad doesn’t understand me.” Or “Mom/Dad is lying.” (p. 84)

 

My best take from her book is the idea of family meetings. “They comprise a short amount of distraction-free time that you set aside weekly to be together as a family. They give you the opportunity to discuss values and other relevant issues, to make decisions, to problem solve, and to reinforce a sense of ‘family community’ in an emotion-neutral zone” (p. 69).

 

We are getting on with these meets every other week now. We have done 2 meetings so far. When I first put the idea on the table, my daughter resisted big time. (What would we talk about anyway?) My husband and I decided to give it a festive flair and to keep it simple to wear down resistance. After all, it was important that the children understood that these gatherings were not about preaching them, but hearing them out and discussing issues related to our family and values. Thus, our first meet had non-alcoholic champagne and 3 different types of cookies :) and we talked about why we were thankful to have each and every one of us in our family. During the second one, we extended our discussion to include the best and the worst moments we had during our week. I am planning to build it up eventually. The kids are taking it really well :) )

 

Thank you Julie for the great idea!

 

Related posts:

Note: This article is my personal opinion. I have no monetary gain of any kind from promoting this book nor do I have any kind of personal affiliation with Julie A. Ross.

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Who is right and who is wrong: doctors or religious zealots?

Friday, January 21st, 2011

We have more information than ever, but we are still in the dark—maybe even more in the dark than we have ever been if I may dare say so.

Misinformation, disinformation, information…

And how do we tell one from the other? Who is telling the truth?

Movies, television series, scientific studies, bloggers, elders, government officials, our friends… We are being bombarded by mixed messages from everywhere, which leaves us confused and indecisive.

My three-year-old daughter was sick for the last two weeks. Last week, she was bad: fever for 6 consecutive days, coughing, runny nose, tired, no appetite. I was worried, of course, even though it looked like she had a bad cold or the flu. A part of me was telling me it was not a big deal and it would pass; yet another part of me was waging war against my better judgment. What if I was wrong? What if there was something horribly wrong with her? What would I do if something happened to her because I delayed seeing a doctor? When I could not stand my own internal battle anymore, I called the doctor’s office. I told them the story and naturally the nurse confirmed my worst fear: she had to be seen. So we took a little trip to the doctor’s office 15 minutes after the phone conversation.

DD was examined from head to toe, complete with an oxygen count. She demonstrated “flu-like” symptoms (that much I knew, thank you very much—I wish he would tell me something I did not know!). She needed no further testing, no medication, nothing. I was relieved and upset at the same time. Relieved: there did not seem something horribly wrong with her. Upset: DD still had a fever and the doctor did not provide any other advice than what I was already doing.

He did hand me some papers and told me to read them. One was about how to manage fever and the other one was about the swine flu. I understand why I may need more information on how to manage fever, but swine flu? Did he think DD had swine flu? If so, why did he not advise further testing? If not, why was I being handed information on swine flu? Was I in med-school?

Anyways, that was not the big deal, the big deal was this: when I called the doctor’s office, the nurse asked whether DD was up to date with her vaccinations. Why in the world would that matter? I had called them because I had a sick child on my hands and here they were questioning her vaccine schedule. Was I missing something here? What was the main concern? And that was not the end of it. When we actually went to see the doctor, I got hit by the same exact question BEFORE the nurse started asking me what was wrong with her!  Then it was the doctor who came in to examine DD, who gave me a small lecture on vaccinations. And the next day, I got a follow-up call from another nurse, which was nice, but then she questioned me even more about DD’s missing vaccinations. She advised me to come in and talk to the doctor about it. I was exasperated. I had a sick kid on my hands and here were these doctors and nurses obsessed with the missing vaccines. What was wrong with these people? Who is right? The good doctors?

What is right and what is wrong? I don’t want to be wrong. I want to verify that what I think is right is indeed right. My child is sick, but I have a hunch it’s going to pass. So I need verification from the doctor, because if I am not right, then I don’t even want to start to think about the consequences. I get the verification: I am relieved.

But this vaccinations business…

I have been reading on vaccines and the vaccination schedule for a while now. The more I read, the more opposed I have become to vaccinations. I have a hunch that all this vaccination business is not in the best interest of my child. I need verification from our doctor. Oops! Our pediatrician will not verify my hunch. Not in a million years. In fact, she wants to keep lecturing me on statistical probabilities. [Well, I have to do justice to some other doctors who do verify my concerns (e.g., Dr. Robert S. Mendelsohn author of How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor; Dr. Stephanie Cave author of What your Doctor may NOT tell you About Children’s Vaccinations).]

The medical community is divided on this issue—just like it is divided on many other issues. So nothing new, there :) But who is telling the truth? The information out there is overwhelming. I am confused. Don’t get me wrong: I am not against vaccinations all together. I see the merit of vaccinating children and how the availability of vaccines has largely reduced pretty nasty childhood diseases. Yet there is always the other side of the coin that is left in the dark. Some pharmaceutical companies are making incredible amounts of money through the mandatory vaccination schedule and new vaccines are being added every year. I took a look at the preschool entry requirements here in the U.S. and I was devastated to see the increase in vaccines over the last 10 years. Has anything dramatic happened over the last 10 years to increase the number of mandatory vaccinations? And why here in the U.S.? Other countries in Europe do not have such a rigorous vaccination propaganda. Are conditions in the U.S. so much worse for our children than the conditions in Europe that we have to vaccinate them almost twice if not more than they do?

I am confused. And when the doctor and the nurses start questioning me like I am doing the wrong thing, and attempting to discount everything else I have read and lived through, I start getting mad.

I feel like I have to chart a more ‘sensible’ vaccination schedule for DD. But hey! that’s not allowed by the medical community. Well, maybe it is elsewhere, but where we live, the only way to go around that is to declare that we are religious zealots! So it boils down to: are we with the religious folk or the scientific folk? Because there is no middle way… We’re either with them or against them…

May the Lord help us all. Amen.

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Am I doing right or wrong? How should I raise my kid?

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

I: “Children are given priorities in our household.”

Dad: “Is that how it should be? Is that the right approach to raising children? Does it send the right message?”

What is right and what is wrong when we are raising our children?

Is there a right or wrong?

When an artist is painting, she uses certain colors. Did she make the right choice of colors?

Criticizing is easy. Looking at a finished product of art and firing away judgments… But there is no right or wrong. The picture is the way it is. Maybe the trees weren’t the ‘right’ color, but then whose ‘right’ color? The artist’s or the critic’s? Only the producer of the artwork can be a true judge of her painting. She looks at what she has done and knows what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’—instinctively. The next time she draws, she will not make the same mistakes.

True, sometimes we need a teacher, but again only WE can be the judge of that—not some other critic. Even if somebody says, “Man, you gotta go take an art class, that painting of yours needs some major improvement,” it’s up to the artist to decide. Had Van Gogh followed his era’s taste and style, would he ever have been considered to be one of the founders of modern art? He learned from others, yet he chose to draw differently and for that he was never recognized when he was alive. It was only after his death, but that is the case with all true geniuses… Take Mozart, for example…

One of my dearest friends, an artist, once all got fired up in an argument and said, “Nobody can teach me how to draw.” Seeming to be a highly obnoxious and egotistical statement taken at face value; her statement cannot get any closer to the truth…

And parenting is an art. We make decisions based on apparent whims, or so it seems to the outside observer. The observer/critic does not even know a fraction of what the parent knows about his kid. The observer/critic can only speak from personal experience and observations, which rarely coincides with the parent-in-observation’s reality. Everything is different: the parent, the kid, the times, the place, the circumstances… How can there be a true overlap? A considerable overlap in experiences can exist only between two parents parenting the same children, but even then the overlap is not more than 50%.

Where is this 50% coming from? Just a hunch… And my brain wants to make sure that this number is, in fact, correct immediately. First of all, each parent shares exactly 50% of their own genetic structure with their kids of which there is little or no overlap with the other parent. If we accept that nature and nurture are equally influential in shaping a child’s development, given that there is 0% overlap genetically, then the overlap between the two parents’ shared understanding of their own child drops automatically down to 50% maximum on the nurture side—which can only be reached if they both spend exactly the same amount of time—at the same time!—in the child’s environment (and the mothers naturally get a head start of 9 months, so theoretically, it’s even less than 50%…).

If the maximum overlap between mom and dad is 50%, what is the maximum overlap between a mom and an outsider? Say this outsider is a close family member: a grandparent. My best guess would be not more than 5% realistically, but theoretically it could be anywhere up to 25% (following the same logic in the previous paragraph, given that the grandparent and mom spend equal amounts of time at the same time with the child). What does this tell you? Take others’ grain of advice on how to raise your own kids with salt.

So, long story cut short: yes, kids have priority in our household (as long as I can tolerate it!..)

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How to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles?

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

“Mama! Mamaa!! Mamaaa!!! … Crocodile! Crocodile!” whimpers my two-year-old, DD2, as tears swell up in her eyes. “Here!!! Crocodile! Mamaa!!!”

Her fear is real. She SEES a crocodile. Is there REALLY a crocodile? I don’t SEE one, but does that mean there is no crocodile?

What can I do?

I could deny her claim and try to prove my point by ‘showing’ her that there is nothing to see. But if it’s I who can’t see the crocodile and she is the one who sees it, how can I make her ‘unsee’ what she claims to see? How can I make her crocodile disappear?

Denial is usually not the best approach, because it rarely works. As a general rule of thumb, never deny a child’s claims as it can be interpreted in one or more of the following ways:

  • “Mom does not believe me!”
  • “Mom thinks I’m lying…”
  • “Mom can’t help save me from this crocodile, because she can’t see it!”
  • “I don’t believe Mom!”
  • “Mom is lying… She is just as scared as I am, but she won’t admit it.”

So what works? The expert advice revolves around the following:

  1. Acknowledge the fear in a neutral way – no putdowns, no overreactions.
  2. Talk about it.
  3. If it gets out of hand, ask for professional help.

This advice sounds nice and everything, but it’s not so effective when it comes to dealing with toddlers. Why? First of all, talking to a toddler is overrated. Second of all, parental creativity is underrated—in fact, it’s hardly ever mentioned.

Here is the story of my fierce battle with the crocodile:

Our crocodile first appeared when DD2 was taking a bath in her tub filled with a whole bunch of water toys. I didn’t see ‘it’ coming. It all happened very quickly. All of a sudden, DD2 started shrieking and tried to jump out of her tub. At first, I thought she must have hurt herself, although I couldn’t see how. She was absolutely t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. Then I had the wits to ask her what it was and she let out a wail, “Crocodile! In the water! Crocodile!” Upon hearing this, I kept my cool and started taking out all the toys from the tub to ‘show’ her that there were no crocodiles, which of course, proved useless. She just kept on screaming and became so agitated that she started flailing all arms and legs. I was quickly losing control of the situation and I screamed for my husband to help me get her out of the tub.

The next night, she would not get in the tub. I even emptied the whole tub in front of her and told her, “Look the crocodile is going away with the water.” There was no point in reasoning with her. According to her, the crocodile was not going anywhere.

Needless to say, DD2 has not yet taken another bath in her tub again. The crocodile had sabotaged the peaceful, fun filled baths that were also part of our bedtime routine. See how many problems just one invisible crocodile can create? 1. Fearful kid, 2. Kid won’t take a bath, 3. Bedtime routine interrupted… So help me God!

I let the matter rest a few days and did not wash her. However, I was determined to make bathtime enjoyable again and I had a brilliant idea: we were going to blow bubbles. I took her shopping with me and let her buy a new bottle of shampoo and a bottle of bubbles to blow. I told her we were going to blow bubbles in the bathroom. I did not fill the tub; instead, I let her sit on her step stool and gave her the showerhead, which made her very happy. We blew some bubbles and then I washed her. At some point, she did mention the crocodile, but I told her that it would be going down the drain with the water. We waved goodbye as it went down the drain…

Alas, my victory was short-lived. A few days later, the crocodile was on our bed—not under the bed like where they are supposed to be…

Again, I was caught off-guard. We were getting nicely settled in the bed with a book (we co-sleep), when all of a sudden DD2 froze. She was holding her breath as her eyes opened wide and large. Her gaze was fixated on a particular spot on the bed. The croc was in our bed.

I have to tell you here that until then DD2 had not seen crocodiles in her entire life—except in picture books. I have neither told her frightening stories about crocodiles nor threatened to feed her to the crocodiles. In fact, crocodiles are hardly ever mentioned in our household, so I have no idea how she could have conjured up an image of a fearsome crocodile—and that is, if she is making it up… Some people do say kids can see what adults can’t see…

Anyways, back to how I beat the invisible beast that crept into our bed… After I got over my initial shock, I had to think really fast to prevent the situation getting out of hand. The bathroom episode was still painfully fresh in my memory… Fight or flight? Fight, of course. I made a dash for the first weapon that came into my sight: the badminton rackets.

I started whacking the bed while I shooed away the crocodile. I like to think DD2 was so impressed by my bravery that she decided to join my cause. I kept telling the croc that it had to go sleep in its own bed at its home. After a few minutes, we both started laughing as we continued to beat the beast. It was almost as if we were fighting a boggart and chasing it away with the ‘Riddikulus’ charm…

It did go away that night. However, it kept coming back and I could feel my trick losing its power. I could not fight an invisible crocodile. Sometimes she was even waking up and crying in the middle of the night saying that it was there. Besides, engaging in the whack-a-beast activity was not exactly conducive to sleep. What was I to do?

It was around this time that I read the advice on the internet about how to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles. I had done everything they had told me to do: acknowledge the fear, talk about it, etc. Was asking for professional help the only option left for me? Oh, no. I was not ready to take a professional’s advice over mine. Not just yet.

The following night when the croc came around, I totally changed tactics. I was not going to revert to ‘fight or flight’ strategy, but instead I decided to ‘tend and befriend’ the beast. So, instead of running for the badminton rackets, I invited the croc to come lie down with us and listen to the book we were going to read. Naturally, my reaction startled DD2. The element of surprise won over her fear. Not wanting to lose my advantage, I told the croc that it would have to sit quietly and then go to its own bed after listening to one page. I asked DD2 if that was okay. She nodded in approval. Yes! I was ecstatic, but kept my cool, of course. We proceeded likewise for a couple of weeks, but there came a night when DD2 said nothing about the crocodile. The crocodile had finally left us alone!

Our adventure with the crocodile lasted about two months. It was about four months ago that the crocodile crept in bed with us one last time to listen to a story. Since then, DD2 has seen a real crocodile at the zoo, to which she did not show an extreme fearful reaction. In fact, I am happy to observe that a lot of her animal related fears are also slowly subsiding.

I have talked to other parents and heard from them that fears around the age of two seem to be an issue with many children. So, before you decide to ask for professional help, talk to other parents and listen to their stories—of course, coming up with your own creative solution is always an option.

Here is my cup of tea for parents who worry about their young children’s fears:

1. Fear is real. Accept it with respect.

Accept the fact that fear is a part of life. A healthy dose of fear will go a long way protecting young children from getting themselves into dangerous situations. Young children can be fearful of new situations/events/people/animals/foods. This is their way of defending themselves. As they get to know what they are dealing with, their fear should subside and disappear eventually.

2. Get over your own fears. Don’t let your child’s fear worry you.

The last thing a fearful child needs is a worrisome/fearful parent nearby. A child will feel a parent’s worry/fear—just like a dog that smells fear. A parent’s worrisome, fearful reactions will escalate a child’s fear. If you have fear of dogs, the odds are your child will also be fearful of dogs—unless you successfully avoid situations involving a dog encounter.

3. Talk about the fear.

The whole point of talking is for the parent to find out what the source of the child’s fear is. By stating the problem clearly, it is easier to find a solution. Let your child do the talking and refrain from asking questions (or keep your questions very simple). A young child’s mind is very imaginative and just by asking too many questions, a parent may inadvertently ‘feed’ the fear and make it bigger. For example, once I found out that it was a crocodile, I did not ask DD2 any questions about the length of the crocodile or the number of sharp teeth it had.

4. Don’t talk about your own fears.

Your child is not your psychologist. Talking about your fears will overwhelm your young child even more.

5. Talk about solutions.

As a parent, you have to lead the way to coming up with solutions to the problem. However, get your child’s approval in the process. Are you going to fight the beast or befriend him? Does it comfort your child to leave the lights on? Can you help your child make friends with the fear?

If you feel you are not getting anywhere, ask for help from your partner and other parents to give you ideas for solutions.

6. Use distraction.

The timeless solution for dealing with many young children’s emotionally charged situations is distraction. If you feel you are getting in a rut and/or your child is getting frustrated and more fearful, switch to another activity (preferably an activity that you know your child likes).

7. Don’t dwell too much on the child’s fear.

Fears are a part of life. We all have our fears and our children are also entitled to have their own fears. As we go through life, fears come in all shapes and sizes: some go away quickly; some stay with us for a long time.

Dwelling on the fears makes it larger. Fear attracts fear. Have you ever sat around a bonfire and told each other spooky ghost tales? Do you remember how the fear and the suspense grow with every tale that is told? It’s not much different when dealing with your child’s fear. The more you dwell on it, the more it grows.

If you have additional ideas that you would like to share about your child’s fears, please drop me a line. I would love to read your comments.

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Helpful links:

  1. Fears
  2. Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight
  3. Tend and Befriend
  4. Can animals really smell fear?
  5. What is a boggart?
  6. The ‘Riddikulus’ charm

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Het Huis Anubis — The House of Anubis

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I was looking for something interesting to watch for my two-year-old daughter, DD2, when I stumbled upon this girl, Nienke, singing ‘Het Huis Anubis’ (HHA, The House of Anubis). The audience was composed of kids who were 6 to 12 years old. I was surprised to see everybody in the crowd singing along with the singer. They all seemed to know the lyrics. What gave me the goosebumps was the name ‘Anubis’ being sung with such heartfelt enthusiasm by children.

Have you heard of Anubis? He is the black jackal-headed Egyptian god who is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead. His symbol is a blood splattered black and white ox-hide hanging from a pole.

Do you see why it disturbs me to see a bunch of kids dance to a song so whole-heartedly?  Do any of those kids even know what Anubis refers to???

He is the God of the Afterlife.

And what is Het Huis Anubis? It is not just a song. It is a theme song for the famous Belgian/Dutch children’s television drama, Het Huis Anubis. It has been so popular with teens that it is spreading like wildfire all over the planet. First, it was dubbed in Swedish, Danish, and Spanish. Afterwards, a German remake came out in September 2009. Finally, an English remake will start airing on Nickelodeon this fall in the U.S. (and later on in the U.K. and in Australia).

HHA tells the story of a bunch of teens living in a boarding school called the House of Anubis, which guards a secret.

Maybe it truly is a wonderful teen soap. Maybe there are good messages in it for our children. Maybe I should watch it before I start criticizing it…

However, I am so baffled by the choice of the title for this series that I am tempted to write about it before I even consider watching it. Why not some other name? J. K. Rowling has been exceptionally creative with coming up fictitious names for countless characters in her famous series, Harry Potter. Why couldn’t the creator/writer/producer come up with something else? Could it be they had no idea what Anubis means? In all my curiosity, I looked up the creator/producer/writer… I could not find a name. All that pops up on the internet is Studio 100 or Nickelodeon – so who is the genius behind the name? [Dear reader: if you can answer any of my questions, please by all means, enlighten me!]

It is no coincidence that I mentioned Harry Potter. I have come across some religious parents who forbid their children to read Harry Potter because they believe it promotes witchcraft and wizardry, which is a big ‘no-no’ in most religions. I wonder how these parents react to their children watching HHA on Nickelodeon… Is that okay?

The name is not the only thing that bothers me. It is also the logo of the series that caught my eye.

If you are into symbology, you already know what I am talking about. If not, here is the quickie on what the ‘eye’ that stands in place of the ‘A’ in ‘Anubis’ means: the “all-seeing-eye” whose origins can be traced back to ancient Egyptian mythology and also represents the eye of ‘God the Father’, the all-knowing and ever-present God in Christianity. By incorporating the ‘eye’ into the word ‘Anubis’, the logo insinuates the idea that the God of the Dead is God the Father (or vice versa). Can somebody honestly tell me this was a coincidence and they did not know what they were doing???

I don’t care what kind of story is being told in the series. Just by looking at the title and the logo, I want to ask this question: What is the underlying/subconscious message being sent to children/teenagers all over the planet?

In fact, it is not the first time that the name Anubis has been used on television. He is a character in Stargate SG-1, depicted as a most powerful and dangerous being. Here is a quote from another character, Selmak, describing Anubis, “You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable. Even to the Goa’uld.” However, I don’t have issues with this usage, because: 1) Stargate is not meant as a children’s show; 2) Anubis is one of many fictional ‘gods’ that are being utilized in the series; and 3) He is not exactly a sympathetic character.

As I have said before, maybe I am overreacting, maybe there is a perfectly good reason for this choice of title, maybe it’s actually a very good story, maybe it’s making our children aware of what is good and bad, maybe this is a wonderful way to familiarize our children with ancient symbology…

Nonetheless, how am I going to explain all this to my own 10-year-old kid if she ever wants to watch this soap? And even if she is not interested in watching, she will still be subject to all the ads promoting the series on television, thus, the subliminal message in the title.

How many of you parents out there are okay with the fact that your kid may enjoy watching a soap that tells the story of a bunch of kids living in the House of the God of the Dead?

-

Helpful links:

  1. Nienke, Het Huis Anubis
  2. Anubis (wikipedia)
  3. Anubis (www.egyptian myths.net)
  4. Het Huis Anubis (wikipedia)
  5. Het Huis Anubis (nickelodeon)
  6. Studio 100: US breakthrough with Anubis House
  7. House of Anubis moves from Belgium to Liverpool and the US with a first for Lime Pictures
  8. J. K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter
  9. Eye Christian Symbol
  10. Eye of Providence
  11. Stargate Anubis

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Setting limits for ourselves and our children

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

“Cut it smaller!” said our two-year-old daughter, DD2.

“Is this good?” asked the well-meaning, patient dad as he cut a slice of pepperoni in half.

“No, cut it smaller!” whined DD2.

“Even smaller… Like this?” asked dad as he cut the pepperoni into even tinier quarters.

“No, smaller, smaller!” whined DD2 with a higher and more annoying tone of voice.

“Honey, please stop. That’s small enough.” said I, the exasperated mom.

“But sweetheart, I read this article the other day that talked about listening to one’s kids…”

–

That article happens to be my previous post … :)

Listening to our kids is very important but setting limits is equally important for us and our children. The dangers of listening and then doing as we are told are many. If we ever want to have a good (=peaceful, friendly, enjoyable, thougtful, honest, etc.) relationship with our children, it’s not going to happen if we only listen to them and do their bidding. Of course, we can listen and NOT do their bidding…

Listen or not to listen? The answer is simple: to listen. So that’s not the problem. To do or not to do as we are told by our children is the real problem. Fortunately, there IS a middle way, which is extremely difficult to reach. We will move from one extreme to another like a pendulum until we find that peaceful medium. This dance between the extremes and finding the balance is what I call the ‘art of parenting’.

What’s wrong with doing what we are told to do? Nothing. It’s a matter of choice and our choices are largely influenced by:

a) our character/personality;

b) our experiences with our own parents;

c) cultural influences;

d) our immediate mood.

I have seen a vast array of parents ranging from those who try to do everything for their children to those who are content observing their children.

We need to set aside all the factors that shape our choices and tune into ‘the moment of struggle’. Our kids are different; times are different; situations we find ourselves in are different. Even though there may be similarities, if we put everything together (person + time + place + event), we ALWAYS end up with a unique situation.

This does not mean that there are no guidelines for the parent to be a parent. After all, we ARE the parents—the grownups—and even though at times it seems like our kids DO run our lives and our household, we need to keep the following in mind.

1. A kid does not run the household.

Who cleans the house? Who does the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishwashing, the ironing, the cooking, etc.? Who takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick? Who earns the money to pay for all the food, the clothing, the home, the games, the toys, the holidays, the techno gadgets? Yes, you guessed right. WE, the PARENTS do!!!

The parents are in charge and they are the ones taking care of the kids. We, as parents, already do a whole lot of stuff for our kids without them even asking for it! So chill, if you feel guilty you didn’t get the itouch that your kids wanted so badly from you. They will live.

2. Set YOUR limits.

Think of limits as a field of tall grass. The grass bows to the wind in order to keep its peaceful existence. A strong wind may flatten the grass as long as it lasts, but as soon as the wind is gone, the grass raises itself once more gracefully—unharmed. Our children are our wind: sometimes a breeze, sometimes a hurricane.

Planting a field of tall grass and then taking care of it so that it does not wither away are not easy tasks, but they’re important. It gives us—the parents—and our children a nice playing field.

Just like every child being unique, every parent is unique. Thus, every parent has a different idea of what kind of field they would like to plant: how big it will be, what kind of grass to plant, how often to trim the grass, etc.

We reach, what I call, our ‘boiling point’ when we neglect our field of grass and our dear wind starts to wreak havoc on our crops, i.e., when we let things slide and let our kids push our (their) limits. Our household starts brewing like a witch’s cauldron: we get frustrated and/or angry and scream at our children; in return they scream back at us; we wonder where we went wrong and how our dear little angels turned into such spoiled brats.

We need to set our own limits with our own children – not the neighbor’s limits. (We got these extremely cute polka-dotted wooden clogs for DD2. She loves thomping around the house in those clogs, but after about 5 minutes of tock-tock-tock-clickety-clock, I have enough. The first day, after 10 minutes of toleration, I blurted out inadvertently, “Sweetie, it’s too much noise for the neighbors. Take the clogs off.” My husband joined forces with me and our DD2 stomped even harder. Oops!!! Our household just reached the ‘boiling point’: she protested loudly, I got even more frustrated, my husband joined my frustration. First of all, why did I tell her about the neighbors? The neighbors had not complained—yet. It was I—the mama—who was annoyed! Who knows whether the neighbors were even at home or not? Maybe our neighbors’ noise tolerance is way more than 10 minutes… I don’t know! What I know is my own limit, but I was not paying attention to that until the noise was getting totally on my nerves and even then I had to use the neighbors as an excuse… The next morning, when DD2 headed towards her beloved clogs, my husband tried to create a new rule in the house and announced that the clogs were not to be worn inside because the noise could disturb the neighbors—again the not-yet-complaining neighbor’s limits were being enforced… Our pendulum just swung from 10 minute toleration to 0 minute toleration. Ding dong! You know what I mean? Our solution: let her walk around a bit—not more than 5 minutes!—and then tell her to walk barefoot. Limit set, kid happy, parents happy.)

One last note on setting limits: set your limits so that you still have enough patience or tolerance to deal with any setbacks the wind may blow in your direction.

3. Listen to yourself, listen to your kid.

Setting limits is a tricky business and you will discover that it is a process that keeps changing and evolving over time. Some limits will be discarded naturally whereas some may stick around and some will have to be changed.

A child’s growth rate is much faster than that of the parent’s, which presents an interesting challenge for the parent. Our job as a parent is to be one step ahead of the game if we don’t want to find ourselves in situations where we feel like we want to smack our kid.

The key to successfully managing our ever-changing interaction with our kid is to listen. Listen to our own inner child AND listen to our kids. Understand where everybody is coming from and come up with a win-win solution. This requires mindful thinking, patience, understanding, honesty, and good communication skills. Like I said, it is no small feat!

4. Preserve the dignity of every household member.

It is important to preserve the dignity of each and every household member when we are setting limits and protecting our boundaries. Even though children may seem ‘childish’ and behave as if they don’t understand any of the stuff that is happening, it is important we show them the respect that they deserve as human beings. And as parents, we are not to be our children’s slaves, but their guides and beacons in life. Make sure that you set your limits in a way that does not take away your dignity. This way your children will always respect you for being who you are.

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Listening to our children

Monday, July 26th, 2010

“Only remember one thing before you go home—love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

excerpt from Portraits (1979) by Cynthia Freeman

I had written this quote on a piece of paper 19 years ago when I was 19. (How weird is that!!?) I stumbled upon it when I was flipping through an old notebook in my parents’ house. I don’t even remember what the book was about. However, this part must have struck a chord with me because I went through the trouble of writing it down and dating it August 17, 1991.

Maybe I was leaving a message for my future self…

No, not MAYbe. I WAS leaving a message for my future self.

If there is anything I have learned in life so far; it is the simple fact that there are no coincidences. If I happen upon a piece of paper that I wrote 19 years ago when I was 19, it is too wacky a coincidence to be a coincidence. You know what I mean? I mean it was no coincidence. It just was meant to be.

I think I know why I wrote it down. Most of my life, I have felt that my mother was not listening to me. She claimed she knew what was best for me; she claimed to do the right things for me; she claimed that some of my choices were wrong; she claimed she knew me better than I knew myself. You get the picture? (Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to bash my mother, in fact, I truly believe that her intentions were pure and she meant no harm. She is a wonderful person with a heart of gold and I love her dearly. After all, I am who I am partly because of her, so if I bash her, that means I bash a part of myself!)

Now that I have children of my own, one thing I try to do is to listen. I make every effort to listen to them, to understand where they are coming from to give them the space for their personalities to flourish.

After I came across Cynthia’s quote, I began thinking again. Do I listen enough? And do my kids listen to me? Because being listened to is just as important as listening. Listening and being listened to are like two sides of a coin. If I don’t listen, then how can I expect my children to listen to me? If my children don’t listen to what I say, are they to blame or am I to blame? (Well, I never want to blame anybody for anything, but being human and all, when things don’t work out the way we want them to, most of us like to point a finger at something to ease our frustrations—even though it is not the most constructive way of resolving problems.)

Listening to children is not an easy task at all. The fact that our babies are born ‘speechless’ makes it even harder, because we—the parents—have to figure out what they are ‘saying’. This is especially challenging for first-time parents since they are totally unprepared for baby language 101, which consists mostly of crying.

However, ask any experienced mother and they can easily distinguish between cries of hunger and cries of boredom. In fact, there is a long list of different cries ranging from the ‘change-me-I-pooped’ cries, to ‘pick-me-up-I-want-to-be-held’ cries, to ‘I-don’t-want-this’ cries, to ‘play-with-me’ cries, to ‘I’m-tired-but-can’t-sleep’ cries, etc.

Unfortunately, they don’t teach us how to listen to a baby at school—maybe they should! Most people get annoyed with crying babies and children, because they don’t know how to listen. All they want is for the baby to shut up. Now, I, on the other hand, get annoyed with those people, because here is a being who is trying to communicate in the best way s/he can what his/her problem is. These precious little beings are our future and it is up to us to help them the best way we can. We bring them into this world. Is it not our responsibility to try to understand them? If we just expect them to do our bidding, then how is our relationship with our children any different than that of a master-slave relationship?

There is some good advice to first-time parents about why babies cry and how to stop it. The advice consists mainly of telling parents to make sure that all the baby’s physical and emotional needs are met, i.e., feeding, changing diapers, dressing appropriately, gas pains, etc. If all the baby’s needs are met and the baby is still crying, the advice is to tell the parents to relax because it is normal for the average baby to cry about 1,5 to 2 hours per day for no reason at all.

Well, this is the part where I have to raise my voice and say, “Objection!” Just because WE don’t understand why a baby is crying does NOT mean that the baby is crying for ‘no reason at all’. A crying baby is definitely trying to communicate something. WE are the ones who are incapable of deciphering its message.

Moreover, the ‘average’ baby does not exist. WE have created the ‘average’ baby to make OUR lives easier. In the process, we have done great injustice to every baby’s unique existence. Even though I write it out like this, I am still guilty of comparing my children to some phantom average child to reassure myself that my children are ‘normal’. And what if they’re not ‘normal’? What then?

We have to stop measuring our kids against a benchmark that does not exist.

Instead of relying on the ‘average’ baby/kid advice to approach our children, we can start listening to our kids and learn from them. We have to stop responding to them based on the ‘average’ kid model. For example, feeding our babies is usually based on the ‘average’ kid model: what to feed our babies, when and how often we need to breastfeed, when to start introducing solids, what should they eat as they grow older, etc. However, the ‘average’ baby feeding model has failed me with both my children. And you know what? Even though I tried in the same way, they both turned out to have totally different feeding habits and preferences. How remarkable is that!

Sleep advice is also based on the ‘average’ kid model and when it boils down to applying it to the individual kid, most of the time, it.just.does.not.work!

Learning to listen to our children is the key to establishing and keeping good communication channels with them. It starts with tuning into the baby talk and then just blossoms into more beautiful and meaningful interactions with our children. Listening is not simply done with ears. We need to rely on all our five senses plus more—our sixth sense, our feelings, our intuition, our hearts. Only when we are capable of ‘listening’ with total sincerity and respect, can our children make themselves be heard and be open to listen to what we have to say.

Like Cynthia Freeman said, “Love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

How do you listen to your children?

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Children’s well-being checkups and the maternal instinct

Sunday, May 30th, 2010

I saw a mother and a baby on the tram the other day. The baby was invisible in the stroller. A few minutes later the mother picked up her baby—not more than 3 months old. He could even hardly hold his neck. His mother pressed him against her chest, then lifted him up and took a good look at him—with sheer adoration—and then turned him around and propped him up in her lap. This happy and content baby, now sitting directly opposite from me, started staring at me. I stared back. He had big, serious, brown eyes and he held his gaze to which I caved in and started looking outside :-)

What was so special about this scene? First of all, a tram is not a place where one takes a baby out of her stroller. If anything, I would want to keep my baby in the stroller, because it’s safer—what with all the people jostling in and out; and the tram turning, braking and accelerating abruptly… Second of all, the baby was totally calm when this mother picked him up. So why in the world would a mother deliberately pick a calm baby out of his stroller on a tram?

  1. The mother does not realize the dangers of taking him out of the stroller, so she must be stupid.
  2. No one has told the mother not to behave like this, so she must be uneducated.
  3. The mother has not read enough books on how to travel safely with her baby, so she must be illiterate.

Then we went to Artis, the zoo in Amsterdam. There, among many other wondrous animals, we saw black spider monkeys. This one particular female was tending to her baby, playing with it, feeding it. This monkey mother—stupid, uneducated, illiterate—knew exactly what to do with her baby. Now, isn’t that a miracle?

Who taught this monkey ‘how to be a mother’ to a baby monkey? Silly question, isn’t it? The females of all species know exactly what to do with their offspring. But then, how come the females of the most intelligent beings on this planet are not so sure about how to be a ‘good’ mother?

There are so many mothers among us—especially in ‘developed/developing’ countries—who feel more and more insecure about how to handle their babies. There is a dizzying amount of parenting books waiting to be purchased to give the inside scoop on how to raise a baby. The ‘civilized systems’ do not help ease the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy—in fact, they can make it worse. A friend of mine in Australia—she is not Australian, though—wrote this to me in an email:

“I am not sure about how other people raise their children here in Australia. But I know the government encourages one of the parents to stay home with the child by providing some tax benefit. The only thing that bothers me is that I have to bring my son to a Nurse every couple weeks. They will check his hip (for dislocation), testicles, neck strength (they take his hands and pull him up from a lying down position to see if he can lift his own head, etc.). I thought babies couldn’t hold up their heads like that before they are 3 months old. They can hold their heads/neck in some way but this is very brutal to me. My son cried every time when they handled him this way. I hate these repeated tests very much. I don’t understand why they keep checking the same thing. Maybe I am over protective but sometimes, I just think western medicine/checking is very intrusive.”

Now why does she HAVE to bring her son to a Nurse for a checkup? She thinks it is brutal, the baby cries, so what is the benefit of such an action?

The sad fact is: there is no logical explanation for this practice. Every country has developed its own peculiar ways of following the growth and development of babies and children. Sometimes there are overlaps and sometimes there are unique practices—such as this example.

So what can a mother do? She can simply accept things as they are and go on with her life. In my friend’s case, she can’t accept it. She doesn’t understand why, so she blames herself for being ‘over-protective’. (But that’s simply not true, because she can’t ‘protect’ her baby from these interventions, which in turn renders her helpless and frustrated.  By the way, had I been in her place, I would simply not show up for these check-ups! :-) And even then I would not think I was being ‘over-protective’…)

The mother on the tram (MT) made me think about my friend in Australia (FA). When MT pulled her son out of the stroller, she had no trace of a doubt on her face. In fact, she was behaving more or less like the monkey mother we saw at the zoo—just doing what felt natural to her. Why can’t FA do what feels natural to her?

FA’s frustration stems from a deeper underlying issue: The developed society where she resides in has placed certain mechanisms that prevent FA from getting in touch with her instincts. As harmless as it is, done under the guise of safety, concern, and health for our babies, the routine checkups of healthy babies and children act as a sinister blocker of our instinctual responses.

How many of you look forward to routine checkups at the pediatrician’s office (or at the consultatiebureau)? How many of you out there worry about whether your baby is the ‘right’ height or the ‘right’ weight? How many of you worry about whether your child is eating too little or too much? How many of you worry about whether the vaccinations are ‘good’ or ‘bad’? How many of you worry about whether you are doing a ‘good’ job as a parent raising your children or not?

If you said, ‘yes’ to the first question and ‘no’ to all the other questions, please accept my congratulations on being a SUPER PARENT. You can stop reading here and go on with your life :-)

If you don’t qualify as a super parent, then I would like to take this opportunity to offer you a life-long membership at my NORMAL PARENT CLUB free of charge :-)

I, as a normal parent, worry about many things concerning my precious children and dread going to routine checkups, because I don’t really think they are necessary. Some parents play the doctor game with their children to make them more sympathetic towards going to the doctor, but why do children regularly need to see a doctor if they are healthy? If anything, regular checkups should start when we turn 30, because then they could be used as a preventative measure for a wide range of health problems.

Yet, it has become so accepted and so ‘normal’ to take healthy children for ‘regular’ checkups that sometimes I have to grapple with feelings of guilt when I have to admit I have skipped several checkups—as if that would reflect on my parenting skills… Even though the doctors and the nurses are really nice and sweet, I still sweat over all the questions that will be asked, the ‘should-lists’ and ‘shouldn’t-lists’, and the age-appropriate safety hazard brochures that will be given to me. All these ‘harmless’ observations and interventions make me think about things that have never crossed my mind. I start worrying about new things that don’t even apply to our lives. My child and I get no benefit from these visits—except the accompanying relief that the next appointment is not in the near future, so what is the point?

In the realm of quantum physics, it is common knowledge that observation changes the outcome of an event. I believe this fact also applies to events in our realm (aren’t we after all an extension of the quantum realm?). Thus, the mere observation of the development of a healthy child undermines a mother’s instincts. Instead of letting the mother and child be; these observations shift the mother’s focus from her immediate emotional bond with her child to (a) historical accounts of how things have been and/or (b) hypothetical accounts of how things should be and/or how they can go wrong. Once the immediate emotional bond is severed this way, the mother has been thrown off course. She needs to make a conscious effort not to dwell on all that was discussed during the ‘regular’ checkup before she can establish her instinctual mothering bond with her child again.

These regular checkups are to ensure the child’s development is on track—as if a parent is not equipped to detect warning signs. Ironically, when dealing with children who are sick, the doctors are advised to trust a mother’s instinct.

So how can it be that mothers can be trusted with sick children but not with healthy children???

Why do I need an expert to tell me my healthy child is healthy, when that expert has to rely on my instinct when my child is sick??? (However, there are also many cases when doctors do NOT trust a mother’s instinct and label the mother as worrisome and paranoid. Another friend of mine nearly lost her daughter because of such doctors, who told her there was nothing wrong with her child, when in fact something was horribly wrong.)

So what can we do?

  • Get in touch with our instincts and gut feelings.
  • Accept that each child is unique and the ‘average’ child exists only statistically—on doctors’ charts. Every child has his/her own developmental path.
  • Doctors don’t always have all the answers.
  • We know and understand our children much more than we think.
  • Have faith in our capability to be a parent. If we can give birth to a child, then we sure can help him grow up.
  • We are not raising our children; we are only helping them adjust to this world.
  • Have faith in our children.

At the zoo, there was this quote from J.H. Leopold on a wall:

Elke keer, dat ik in Artis ben geweest, begrijp ik de menschen zooveel beter. (=Every time I have been to Artis, I understand the humans so much better.)

I guess what he really wanted to say to us, mothers, was: Learn from the monkey mothers :-)

-

Helpful Links:

  1. Quantum theory demonstrated: Observation affects reality
  2. Trust a mother’s instinct on sick children, GPs told
  3. Mother’s instinct on sick children is right, doctors told

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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Apparently, all is not going as smooth as I had hoped for. In fact, it is getting worse with every day of preschool!

My two-year-old daughter (DD2) started preschool two weeks ago. Our first two days were a huge success – I was hanging around and left her by herself for only 15 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. She did not cry at all. She was happy as a bee, but things started to go downhill on the third day when I started to leave with the other parents. Since then her crying has continued to increase with every day that we have gone back.

Today was her 7th day and the worst day of crying so far…

The teachers here don’t believe that parents ought to stay to help the child get adjusted. Their philosophy is more like, “Don’t hang around, because it makes it more difficult to say goodbye. Disappear from her sight as quickly as possible. She will cry, but then she will adjust much faster.”

Parents need to drop off their children quickly and not make the situation emotional.

See, I have a problem with this kind of philosophy. However, the way things are here in the Netherlands, I should be grateful that they even let me stay as long as I did in the beginning. Parents are not welcome in the classroom. There are good reasons behind this practice:

  • The child will adjust eventually, even though they may cry.
  • Other children can start crying when they see somebody else’s parent staying behind because they are reminded of the absence of their own parents.
  • It teaches the child to be independent.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers.
  • It teaches the child that the parent comes back in the end.
  • The teachers don’t have outsiders observing them.
  • There is less of a crowd in the classroom.
  • The parents can be a distraction and a nuisance for the teachers.
  • One-size-fits-all recipe: Everybody gets the same treatment.

I believe this practice is not the best approach to raising emotionally healthy kids, because:

  • It teaches the child that her tears (emotions) don’t mean much.
  • It can be a traumatic way to sever the bond between the parent and the child.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers. (Yep! This can be good AND bad!)
  • It teaches the child that her parent can’t be trusted to stick around in emotionally distressed situations, and thus undermines the trust bond between a parent and a child. (Is this the perfect recipe to breed distrust towards each other in society?)
  • There are more friendly ways to help the transition: the parent and the child can be the judge of when to separate. Most parents know the difference between real tears and ‘crocodile’ tears. It’s just not a good idea to leave a kid alone with real tears. (To teach the child that life is cruel? Life is cruel, but if we want a less cruel society, don’t we need to make a change with the way we raise children?)

I understand why they want to keep parents out of the classroom here. If they decide to involve the parents, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box: in addition to dealing with children, the teachers also have to deal with parents, which can be extremely difficult sometimes. It requires people knowledge and communication skills. Some parents can be real pains in the neck, but some can be of great help, too!

Involving parents would mean differential treatment for every child, which goes against the societal directive here in the Netherlands that everyone is entitled to equal rights. Everyone is entitled to equal rights. It sounds so nice, but it just can’t be. There is a price to pay in order to achieve this. For example, one child’s parent can stay long and the other parent can’t/won’t. So the child whose parent can stay long is punished because the other child’s parent can’t/won’t stay… Because? Everyone is entitled to equal rights! Why should we let some kids be ‘spoiled’ when others don’t have that luxury? So let the kids whose parents can stay behind, cry…—just like the rest.

Even though we all like to have benchmarks about developmental milestones that we can compare our children against and even though in general children follow these developmental milestones, every child is unique. Any parent with more than one child knows this simple truth. What works with one kid, does not work with the other one.

My older daughter was less distressed in new situations when I explained things to her up front, but with DD2 it works the other way around. She gets even more wound up when I try to ‘prepare’ her for what is coming up! After the traumatic week at school, I tried to talk to her about it to ease her frustration and reduce her stress, but it totally backfired. She immediately began to cry and protest school. I held her tight and told her all the nice things about school but that she would have to wait because it was still a few days away. She cried even harder. I decided to drop the subject and steered her attention elsewhere. I tried talking again the next day: to no avail. At that point, I just knew that DD2 was not going to be ‘prepared to go to school’ by talking; she would just have to live through it. What good does it do to her if my talking elevates her stress level and makes her feel as if she is already on her way to school?

So much for our successful beginning in preschool…

I still don’t know what else I can do to ease her transition. The only consolation I have right now is the phone call I just received from the teacher telling me that she is doing okay and has stopped crying.

Read previous post: First day at preschool

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