Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category

How to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles?

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

“Mama! Mamaa!! Mamaaa!!! … Crocodile! Crocodile!” whimpers my two-year-old, DD2, as tears swell up in her eyes. “Here!!! Crocodile! Mamaa!!!”

Her fear is real. She SEES a crocodile. Is there REALLY a crocodile? I don’t SEE one, but does that mean there is no crocodile?

What can I do?

I could deny her claim and try to prove my point by ‘showing’ her that there is nothing to see. But if it’s I who can’t see the crocodile and she is the one who sees it, how can I make her ‘unsee’ what she claims to see? How can I make her crocodile disappear?

Denial is usually not the best approach, because it rarely works. As a general rule of thumb, never deny a child’s claims as it can be interpreted in one or more of the following ways:

  • “Mom does not believe me!”
  • “Mom thinks I’m lying…”
  • “Mom can’t help save me from this crocodile, because she can’t see it!”
  • “I don’t believe Mom!”
  • “Mom is lying… She is just as scared as I am, but she won’t admit it.”

So what works? The expert advice revolves around the following:

  1. Acknowledge the fear in a neutral way – no putdowns, no overreactions.
  2. Talk about it.
  3. If it gets out of hand, ask for professional help.

This advice sounds nice and everything, but it’s not so effective when it comes to dealing with toddlers. Why? First of all, talking to a toddler is overrated. Second of all, parental creativity is underrated—in fact, it’s hardly ever mentioned.

Here is the story of my fierce battle with the crocodile:

Our crocodile first appeared when DD2 was taking a bath in her tub filled with a whole bunch of water toys. I didn’t see ‘it’ coming. It all happened very quickly. All of a sudden, DD2 started shrieking and tried to jump out of her tub. At first, I thought she must have hurt herself, although I couldn’t see how. She was absolutely t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. Then I had the wits to ask her what it was and she let out a wail, “Crocodile! In the water! Crocodile!” Upon hearing this, I kept my cool and started taking out all the toys from the tub to ‘show’ her that there were no crocodiles, which of course, proved useless. She just kept on screaming and became so agitated that she started flailing all arms and legs. I was quickly losing control of the situation and I screamed for my husband to help me get her out of the tub.

The next night, she would not get in the tub. I even emptied the whole tub in front of her and told her, “Look the crocodile is going away with the water.” There was no point in reasoning with her. According to her, the crocodile was not going anywhere.

Needless to say, DD2 has not yet taken another bath in her tub again. The crocodile had sabotaged the peaceful, fun filled baths that were also part of our bedtime routine. See how many problems just one invisible crocodile can create? 1. Fearful kid, 2. Kid won’t take a bath, 3. Bedtime routine interrupted… So help me God!

I let the matter rest a few days and did not wash her. However, I was determined to make bathtime enjoyable again and I had a brilliant idea: we were going to blow bubbles. I took her shopping with me and let her buy a new bottle of shampoo and a bottle of bubbles to blow. I told her we were going to blow bubbles in the bathroom. I did not fill the tub; instead, I let her sit on her step stool and gave her the showerhead, which made her very happy. We blew some bubbles and then I washed her. At some point, she did mention the crocodile, but I told her that it would be going down the drain with the water. We waved goodbye as it went down the drain…

Alas, my victory was short-lived. A few days later, the crocodile was on our bed—not under the bed like where they are supposed to be…

Again, I was caught off-guard. We were getting nicely settled in the bed with a book (we co-sleep), when all of a sudden DD2 froze. She was holding her breath as her eyes opened wide and large. Her gaze was fixated on a particular spot on the bed. The croc was in our bed.

I have to tell you here that until then DD2 had not seen crocodiles in her entire life—except in picture books. I have neither told her frightening stories about crocodiles nor threatened to feed her to the crocodiles. In fact, crocodiles are hardly ever mentioned in our household, so I have no idea how she could have conjured up an image of a fearsome crocodile—and that is, if she is making it up… Some people do say kids can see what adults can’t see…

Anyways, back to how I beat the invisible beast that crept into our bed… After I got over my initial shock, I had to think really fast to prevent the situation getting out of hand. The bathroom episode was still painfully fresh in my memory… Fight or flight? Fight, of course. I made a dash for the first weapon that came into my sight: the badminton rackets.

I started whacking the bed while I shooed away the crocodile. I like to think DD2 was so impressed by my bravery that she decided to join my cause. I kept telling the croc that it had to go sleep in its own bed at its home. After a few minutes, we both started laughing as we continued to beat the beast. It was almost as if we were fighting a boggart and chasing it away with the ‘Riddikulus’ charm…

It did go away that night. However, it kept coming back and I could feel my trick losing its power. I could not fight an invisible crocodile. Sometimes she was even waking up and crying in the middle of the night saying that it was there. Besides, engaging in the whack-a-beast activity was not exactly conducive to sleep. What was I to do?

It was around this time that I read the advice on the internet about how to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles. I had done everything they had told me to do: acknowledge the fear, talk about it, etc. Was asking for professional help the only option left for me? Oh, no. I was not ready to take a professional’s advice over mine. Not just yet.

The following night when the croc came around, I totally changed tactics. I was not going to revert to ‘fight or flight’ strategy, but instead I decided to ‘tend and befriend’ the beast. So, instead of running for the badminton rackets, I invited the croc to come lie down with us and listen to the book we were going to read. Naturally, my reaction startled DD2. The element of surprise won over her fear. Not wanting to lose my advantage, I told the croc that it would have to sit quietly and then go to its own bed after listening to one page. I asked DD2 if that was okay. She nodded in approval. Yes! I was ecstatic, but kept my cool, of course. We proceeded likewise for a couple of weeks, but there came a night when DD2 said nothing about the crocodile. The crocodile had finally left us alone!

Our adventure with the crocodile lasted about two months. It was about four months ago that the crocodile crept in bed with us one last time to listen to a story. Since then, DD2 has seen a real crocodile at the zoo, to which she did not show an extreme fearful reaction. In fact, I am happy to observe that a lot of her animal related fears are also slowly subsiding.

I have talked to other parents and heard from them that fears around the age of two seem to be an issue with many children. So, before you decide to ask for professional help, talk to other parents and listen to their stories—of course, coming up with your own creative solution is always an option.

Here is my cup of tea for parents who worry about their young children’s fears:

1. Fear is real. Accept it with respect.

Accept the fact that fear is a part of life. A healthy dose of fear will go a long way protecting young children from getting themselves into dangerous situations. Young children can be fearful of new situations/events/people/animals/foods. This is their way of defending themselves. As they get to know what they are dealing with, their fear should subside and disappear eventually.

2. Get over your own fears. Don’t let your child’s fear worry you.

The last thing a fearful child needs is a worrisome/fearful parent nearby. A child will feel a parent’s worry/fear—just like a dog that smells fear. A parent’s worrisome, fearful reactions will escalate a child’s fear. If you have fear of dogs, the odds are your child will also be fearful of dogs—unless you successfully avoid situations involving a dog encounter.

3. Talk about the fear.

The whole point of talking is for the parent to find out what the source of the child’s fear is. By stating the problem clearly, it is easier to find a solution. Let your child do the talking and refrain from asking questions (or keep your questions very simple). A young child’s mind is very imaginative and just by asking too many questions, a parent may inadvertently ‘feed’ the fear and make it bigger. For example, once I found out that it was a crocodile, I did not ask DD2 any questions about the length of the crocodile or the number of sharp teeth it had.

4. Don’t talk about your own fears.

Your child is not your psychologist. Talking about your fears will overwhelm your young child even more.

5. Talk about solutions.

As a parent, you have to lead the way to coming up with solutions to the problem. However, get your child’s approval in the process. Are you going to fight the beast or befriend him? Does it comfort your child to leave the lights on? Can you help your child make friends with the fear?

If you feel you are not getting anywhere, ask for help from your partner and other parents to give you ideas for solutions.

6. Use distraction.

The timeless solution for dealing with many young children’s emotionally charged situations is distraction. If you feel you are getting in a rut and/or your child is getting frustrated and more fearful, switch to another activity (preferably an activity that you know your child likes).

7. Don’t dwell too much on the child’s fear.

Fears are a part of life. We all have our fears and our children are also entitled to have their own fears. As we go through life, fears come in all shapes and sizes: some go away quickly; some stay with us for a long time.

Dwelling on the fears makes it larger. Fear attracts fear. Have you ever sat around a bonfire and told each other spooky ghost tales? Do you remember how the fear and the suspense grow with every tale that is told? It’s not much different when dealing with your child’s fear. The more you dwell on it, the more it grows.

If you have additional ideas that you would like to share about your child’s fears, please drop me a line. I would love to read your comments.

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Helpful links:

  1. Fears
  2. Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight
  3. Tend and Befriend
  4. Can animals really smell fear?
  5. What is a boggart?
  6. The ‘Riddikulus’ charm

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Posted in feelings-relationships, parenting | No Comments »

Het Huis Anubis — The House of Anubis

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I was looking for something interesting to watch for my two-year-old daughter, DD2, when I stumbled upon this girl, Nienke, singing ‘Het Huis Anubis’ (HHA, The House of Anubis). The audience was composed of kids who were 6 to 12 years old. I was surprised to see everybody in the crowd singing along with the singer. They all seemed to know the lyrics. What gave me the goosebumps was the name ‘Anubis’ being sung with such heartfelt enthusiasm by children.

Have you heard of Anubis? He is the black jackal-headed Egyptian god who is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead. His symbol is a blood splattered black and white ox-hide hanging from a pole.

Do you see why it disturbs me to see a bunch of kids dance to a song so whole-heartedly?  Do any of those kids even know what Anubis refers to???

He is the God of the Afterlife.

And what is Het Huis Anubis? It is not just a song. It is a theme song for the famous Belgian/Dutch children’s television drama, Het Huis Anubis. It has been so popular with teens that it is spreading like wildfire all over the planet. First, it was dubbed in Swedish, Danish, and Spanish. Afterwards, a German remake came out in September 2009. Finally, an English remake will start airing on Nickelodeon this fall in the U.S. (and later on in the U.K. and in Australia).

HHA tells the story of a bunch of teens living in a boarding school called the House of Anubis, which guards a secret.

Maybe it truly is a wonderful teen soap. Maybe there are good messages in it for our children. Maybe I should watch it before I start criticizing it…

However, I am so baffled by the choice of the title for this series that I am tempted to write about it before I even consider watching it. Why not some other name? J. K. Rowling has been exceptionally creative with coming up fictitious names for countless characters in her famous series, Harry Potter. Why couldn’t the creator/writer/producer come up with something else? Could it be they had no idea what Anubis means? In all my curiosity, I looked up the creator/producer/writer… I could not find a name. All that pops up on the internet is Studio 100 or Nickelodeon – so who is the genius behind the name? [Dear reader: if you can answer any of my questions, please by all means, enlighten me!]

It is no coincidence that I mentioned Harry Potter. I have come across some religious parents who forbid their children to read Harry Potter because they believe it promotes witchcraft and wizardry, which is a big ‘no-no’ in most religions. I wonder how these parents react to their children watching HHA on Nickelodeon… Is that okay?

The name is not the only thing that bothers me. It is also the logo of the series that caught my eye.

If you are into symbology, you already know what I am talking about. If not, here is the quickie on what the ‘eye’ that stands in place of the ‘A’ in ‘Anubis’ means: the “all-seeing-eye” whose origins can be traced back to ancient Egyptian mythology and also represents the eye of ‘God the Father’, the all-knowing and ever-present God in Christianity. By incorporating the ‘eye’ into the word ‘Anubis’, the logo insinuates the idea that the God of the Dead is God the Father (or vice versa). Can somebody honestly tell me this was a coincidence and they did not know what they were doing???

I don’t care what kind of story is being told in the series. Just by looking at the title and the logo, I want to ask this question: What is the underlying/subconscious message being sent to children/teenagers all over the planet?

In fact, it is not the first time that the name Anubis has been used on television. He is a character in Stargate SG-1, depicted as a most powerful and dangerous being. Here is a quote from another character, Selmak, describing Anubis, “You do not understand how bad Anubis is. He was banished by the System Lords because his crimes were unspeakable. Even to the Goa’uld.” However, I don’t have issues with this usage, because: 1) Stargate is not meant as a children’s show; 2) Anubis is one of many fictional ‘gods’ that are being utilized in the series; and 3) He is not exactly a sympathetic character.

As I have said before, maybe I am overreacting, maybe there is a perfectly good reason for this choice of title, maybe it’s actually a very good story, maybe it’s making our children aware of what is good and bad, maybe this is a wonderful way to familiarize our children with ancient symbology…

Nonetheless, how am I going to explain all this to my own 10-year-old kid if she ever wants to watch this soap? And even if she is not interested in watching, she will still be subject to all the ads promoting the series on television, thus, the subliminal message in the title.

How many of you parents out there are okay with the fact that your kid may enjoy watching a soap that tells the story of a bunch of kids living in the House of the God of the Dead?

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Helpful links:

  1. Nienke, Het Huis Anubis
  2. Anubis (wikipedia)
  3. Anubis (www.egyptian myths.net)
  4. Het Huis Anubis (wikipedia)
  5. Het Huis Anubis (nickelodeon)
  6. Studio 100: US breakthrough with Anubis House
  7. House of Anubis moves from Belgium to Liverpool and the US with a first for Lime Pictures
  8. J. K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter
  9. Eye Christian Symbol
  10. Eye of Providence
  11. Stargate Anubis

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Posted in daily life, parenting | 2 Comments »

Setting limits for ourselves and our children

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

“Cut it smaller!” said our two-year-old daughter, DD2.

“Is this good?” asked the well-meaning, patient dad as he cut a slice of pepperoni in half.

“No, cut it smaller!” whined DD2.

“Even smaller… Like this?” asked dad as he cut the pepperoni into even tinier quarters.

“No, smaller, smaller!” whined DD2 with a higher and more annoying tone of voice.

“Honey, please stop. That’s small enough.” said I, the exasperated mom.

“But sweetheart, I read this article the other day that talked about listening to one’s kids…”

–

That article happens to be my previous post … :)

Listening to our kids is very important but setting limits is equally important for us and our children. The dangers of listening and then doing as we are told are many. If we ever want to have a good (=peaceful, friendly, enjoyable, thougtful, honest, etc.) relationship with our children, it’s not going to happen if we only listen to them and do their bidding. Of course, we can listen and NOT do their bidding…

Listen or not to listen? The answer is simple: to listen. So that’s not the problem. To do or not to do as we are told by our children is the real problem. Fortunately, there IS a middle way, which is extremely difficult to reach. We will move from one extreme to another like a pendulum until we find that peaceful medium. This dance between the extremes and finding the balance is what I call the ‘art of parenting’.

What’s wrong with doing what we are told to do? Nothing. It’s a matter of choice and our choices are largely influenced by:

a) our character/personality;

b) our experiences with our own parents;

c) cultural influences;

d) our immediate mood.

I have seen a vast array of parents ranging from those who try to do everything for their children to those who are content observing their children.

We need to set aside all the factors that shape our choices and tune into ‘the moment of struggle’. Our kids are different; times are different; situations we find ourselves in are different. Even though there may be similarities, if we put everything together (person + time + place + event), we ALWAYS end up with a unique situation.

This does not mean that there are no guidelines for the parent to be a parent. After all, we ARE the parents—the grownups—and even though at times it seems like our kids DO run our lives and our household, we need to keep the following in mind.

1. A kid does not run the household.

Who cleans the house? Who does the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishwashing, the ironing, the cooking, etc.? Who takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick? Who earns the money to pay for all the food, the clothing, the home, the games, the toys, the holidays, the techno gadgets? Yes, you guessed right. WE, the PARENTS do!!!

The parents are in charge and they are the ones taking care of the kids. We, as parents, already do a whole lot of stuff for our kids without them even asking for it! So chill, if you feel guilty you didn’t get the itouch that your kids wanted so badly from you. They will live.

2. Set YOUR limits.

Think of limits as a field of tall grass. The grass bows to the wind in order to keep its peaceful existence. A strong wind may flatten the grass as long as it lasts, but as soon as the wind is gone, the grass raises itself once more gracefully—unharmed. Our children are our wind: sometimes a breeze, sometimes a hurricane.

Planting a field of tall grass and then taking care of it so that it does not wither away are not easy tasks, but they’re important. It gives us—the parents—and our children a nice playing field.

Just like every child being unique, every parent is unique. Thus, every parent has a different idea of what kind of field they would like to plant: how big it will be, what kind of grass to plant, how often to trim the grass, etc.

We reach, what I call, our ‘boiling point’ when we neglect our field of grass and our dear wind starts to wreak havoc on our crops, i.e., when we let things slide and let our kids push our (their) limits. Our household starts brewing like a witch’s cauldron: we get frustrated and/or angry and scream at our children; in return they scream back at us; we wonder where we went wrong and how our dear little angels turned into such spoiled brats.

We need to set our own limits with our own children – not the neighbor’s limits. (We got these extremely cute polka-dotted wooden clogs for DD2. She loves thomping around the house in those clogs, but after about 5 minutes of tock-tock-tock-clickety-clock, I have enough. The first day, after 10 minutes of toleration, I blurted out inadvertently, “Sweetie, it’s too much noise for the neighbors. Take the clogs off.” My husband joined forces with me and our DD2 stomped even harder. Oops!!! Our household just reached the ‘boiling point’: she protested loudly, I got even more frustrated, my husband joined my frustration. First of all, why did I tell her about the neighbors? The neighbors had not complained—yet. It was I—the mama—who was annoyed! Who knows whether the neighbors were even at home or not? Maybe our neighbors’ noise tolerance is way more than 10 minutes… I don’t know! What I know is my own limit, but I was not paying attention to that until the noise was getting totally on my nerves and even then I had to use the neighbors as an excuse… The next morning, when DD2 headed towards her beloved clogs, my husband tried to create a new rule in the house and announced that the clogs were not to be worn inside because the noise could disturb the neighbors—again the not-yet-complaining neighbor’s limits were being enforced… Our pendulum just swung from 10 minute toleration to 0 minute toleration. Ding dong! You know what I mean? Our solution: let her walk around a bit—not more than 5 minutes!—and then tell her to walk barefoot. Limit set, kid happy, parents happy.)

One last note on setting limits: set your limits so that you still have enough patience or tolerance to deal with any setbacks the wind may blow in your direction.

3. Listen to yourself, listen to your kid.

Setting limits is a tricky business and you will discover that it is a process that keeps changing and evolving over time. Some limits will be discarded naturally whereas some may stick around and some will have to be changed.

A child’s growth rate is much faster than that of the parent’s, which presents an interesting challenge for the parent. Our job as a parent is to be one step ahead of the game if we don’t want to find ourselves in situations where we feel like we want to smack our kid.

The key to successfully managing our ever-changing interaction with our kid is to listen. Listen to our own inner child AND listen to our kids. Understand where everybody is coming from and come up with a win-win solution. This requires mindful thinking, patience, understanding, honesty, and good communication skills. Like I said, it is no small feat!

4. Preserve the dignity of every household member.

It is important to preserve the dignity of each and every household member when we are setting limits and protecting our boundaries. Even though children may seem ‘childish’ and behave as if they don’t understand any of the stuff that is happening, it is important we show them the respect that they deserve as human beings. And as parents, we are not to be our children’s slaves, but their guides and beacons in life. Make sure that you set your limits in a way that does not take away your dignity. This way your children will always respect you for being who you are.

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Listening to our children

Monday, July 26th, 2010

“Only remember one thing before you go home—love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

excerpt from Portraits (1979) by Cynthia Freeman

I had written this quote on a piece of paper 19 years ago when I was 19. (How weird is that!!?) I stumbled upon it when I was flipping through an old notebook in my parents’ house. I don’t even remember what the book was about. However, this part must have struck a chord with me because I went through the trouble of writing it down and dating it August 17, 1991.

Maybe I was leaving a message for my future self…

No, not MAYbe. I WAS leaving a message for my future self.

If there is anything I have learned in life so far; it is the simple fact that there are no coincidences. If I happen upon a piece of paper that I wrote 19 years ago when I was 19, it is too wacky a coincidence to be a coincidence. You know what I mean? I mean it was no coincidence. It just was meant to be.

I think I know why I wrote it down. Most of my life, I have felt that my mother was not listening to me. She claimed she knew what was best for me; she claimed to do the right things for me; she claimed that some of my choices were wrong; she claimed she knew me better than I knew myself. You get the picture? (Don’t get me wrong, I am not writing this to bash my mother, in fact, I truly believe that her intentions were pure and she meant no harm. She is a wonderful person with a heart of gold and I love her dearly. After all, I am who I am partly because of her, so if I bash her, that means I bash a part of myself!)

Now that I have children of my own, one thing I try to do is to listen. I make every effort to listen to them, to understand where they are coming from to give them the space for their personalities to flourish.

After I came across Cynthia’s quote, I began thinking again. Do I listen enough? And do my kids listen to me? Because being listened to is just as important as listening. Listening and being listened to are like two sides of a coin. If I don’t listen, then how can I expect my children to listen to me? If my children don’t listen to what I say, are they to blame or am I to blame? (Well, I never want to blame anybody for anything, but being human and all, when things don’t work out the way we want them to, most of us like to point a finger at something to ease our frustrations—even though it is not the most constructive way of resolving problems.)

Listening to children is not an easy task at all. The fact that our babies are born ‘speechless’ makes it even harder, because we—the parents—have to figure out what they are ‘saying’. This is especially challenging for first-time parents since they are totally unprepared for baby language 101, which consists mostly of crying.

However, ask any experienced mother and they can easily distinguish between cries of hunger and cries of boredom. In fact, there is a long list of different cries ranging from the ‘change-me-I-pooped’ cries, to ‘pick-me-up-I-want-to-be-held’ cries, to ‘I-don’t-want-this’ cries, to ‘play-with-me’ cries, to ‘I’m-tired-but-can’t-sleep’ cries, etc.

Unfortunately, they don’t teach us how to listen to a baby at school—maybe they should! Most people get annoyed with crying babies and children, because they don’t know how to listen. All they want is for the baby to shut up. Now, I, on the other hand, get annoyed with those people, because here is a being who is trying to communicate in the best way s/he can what his/her problem is. These precious little beings are our future and it is up to us to help them the best way we can. We bring them into this world. Is it not our responsibility to try to understand them? If we just expect them to do our bidding, then how is our relationship with our children any different than that of a master-slave relationship?

There is some good advice to first-time parents about why babies cry and how to stop it. The advice consists mainly of telling parents to make sure that all the baby’s physical and emotional needs are met, i.e., feeding, changing diapers, dressing appropriately, gas pains, etc. If all the baby’s needs are met and the baby is still crying, the advice is to tell the parents to relax because it is normal for the average baby to cry about 1,5 to 2 hours per day for no reason at all.

Well, this is the part where I have to raise my voice and say, “Objection!” Just because WE don’t understand why a baby is crying does NOT mean that the baby is crying for ‘no reason at all’. A crying baby is definitely trying to communicate something. WE are the ones who are incapable of deciphering its message.

Moreover, the ‘average’ baby does not exist. WE have created the ‘average’ baby to make OUR lives easier. In the process, we have done great injustice to every baby’s unique existence. Even though I write it out like this, I am still guilty of comparing my children to some phantom average child to reassure myself that my children are ‘normal’. And what if they’re not ‘normal’? What then?

We have to stop measuring our kids against a benchmark that does not exist.

Instead of relying on the ‘average’ baby/kid advice to approach our children, we can start listening to our kids and learn from them. We have to stop responding to them based on the ‘average’ kid model. For example, feeding our babies is usually based on the ‘average’ kid model: what to feed our babies, when and how often we need to breastfeed, when to start introducing solids, what should they eat as they grow older, etc. However, the ‘average’ baby feeding model has failed me with both my children. And you know what? Even though I tried in the same way, they both turned out to have totally different feeding habits and preferences. How remarkable is that!

Sleep advice is also based on the ‘average’ kid model and when it boils down to applying it to the individual kid, most of the time, it.just.does.not.work!

Learning to listen to our children is the key to establishing and keeping good communication channels with them. It starts with tuning into the baby talk and then just blossoms into more beautiful and meaningful interactions with our children. Listening is not simply done with ears. We need to rely on all our five senses plus more—our sixth sense, our feelings, our intuition, our hearts. Only when we are capable of ‘listening’ with total sincerity and respect, can our children make themselves be heard and be open to listen to what we have to say.

Like Cynthia Freeman said, “Love your kids, not till it hurts, but till it makes you feel good. They’re all you have or maybe ever will. But they don’t belong to you. They’re only on loan, so love and enjoy them while you can, then let go when the time comes. Don’t hold the strings, and never make them feel beholden to you. They don’t owe you anything… I’m going to be the best damned mother because I’m going to listen. No sermons…”

How do you listen to your children?

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Children’s well-being checkups and the maternal instinct

Sunday, May 30th, 2010

I saw a mother and a baby on the tram the other day. The baby was invisible in the stroller. A few minutes later the mother picked up her baby—not more than 3 months old. He could even hardly hold his neck. His mother pressed him against her chest, then lifted him up and took a good look at him—with sheer adoration—and then turned him around and propped him up in her lap. This happy and content baby, now sitting directly opposite from me, started staring at me. I stared back. He had big, serious, brown eyes and he held his gaze to which I caved in and started looking outside :-)

What was so special about this scene? First of all, a tram is not a place where one takes a baby out of her stroller. If anything, I would want to keep my baby in the stroller, because it’s safer—what with all the people jostling in and out; and the tram turning, braking and accelerating abruptly… Second of all, the baby was totally calm when this mother picked him up. So why in the world would a mother deliberately pick a calm baby out of his stroller on a tram?

  1. The mother does not realize the dangers of taking him out of the stroller, so she must be stupid.
  2. No one has told the mother not to behave like this, so she must be uneducated.
  3. The mother has not read enough books on how to travel safely with her baby, so she must be illiterate.

Then we went to Artis, the zoo in Amsterdam. There, among many other wondrous animals, we saw black spider monkeys. This one particular female was tending to her baby, playing with it, feeding it. This monkey mother—stupid, uneducated, illiterate—knew exactly what to do with her baby. Now, isn’t that a miracle?

Who taught this monkey ‘how to be a mother’ to a baby monkey? Silly question, isn’t it? The females of all species know exactly what to do with their offspring. But then, how come the females of the most intelligent beings on this planet are not so sure about how to be a ‘good’ mother?

There are so many mothers among us—especially in ‘developed/developing’ countries—who feel more and more insecure about how to handle their babies. There is a dizzying amount of parenting books waiting to be purchased to give the inside scoop on how to raise a baby. The ‘civilized systems’ do not help ease the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy—in fact, they can make it worse. A friend of mine in Australia—she is not Australian, though—wrote this to me in an email:

“I am not sure about how other people raise their children here in Australia. But I know the government encourages one of the parents to stay home with the child by providing some tax benefit. The only thing that bothers me is that I have to bring my son to a Nurse every couple weeks. They will check his hip (for dislocation), testicles, neck strength (they take his hands and pull him up from a lying down position to see if he can lift his own head, etc.). I thought babies couldn’t hold up their heads like that before they are 3 months old. They can hold their heads/neck in some way but this is very brutal to me. My son cried every time when they handled him this way. I hate these repeated tests very much. I don’t understand why they keep checking the same thing. Maybe I am over protective but sometimes, I just think western medicine/checking is very intrusive.”

Now why does she HAVE to bring her son to a Nurse for a checkup? She thinks it is brutal, the baby cries, so what is the benefit of such an action?

The sad fact is: there is no logical explanation for this practice. Every country has developed its own peculiar ways of following the growth and development of babies and children. Sometimes there are overlaps and sometimes there are unique practices—such as this example.

So what can a mother do? She can simply accept things as they are and go on with her life. In my friend’s case, she can’t accept it. She doesn’t understand why, so she blames herself for being ‘over-protective’. (But that’s simply not true, because she can’t ‘protect’ her baby from these interventions, which in turn renders her helpless and frustrated.  By the way, had I been in her place, I would simply not show up for these check-ups! :-) And even then I would not think I was being ‘over-protective’…)

The mother on the tram (MT) made me think about my friend in Australia (FA). When MT pulled her son out of the stroller, she had no trace of a doubt on her face. In fact, she was behaving more or less like the monkey mother we saw at the zoo—just doing what felt natural to her. Why can’t FA do what feels natural to her?

FA’s frustration stems from a deeper underlying issue: The developed society where she resides in has placed certain mechanisms that prevent FA from getting in touch with her instincts. As harmless as it is, done under the guise of safety, concern, and health for our babies, the routine checkups of healthy babies and children act as a sinister blocker of our instinctual responses.

How many of you look forward to routine checkups at the pediatrician’s office (or at the consultatiebureau)? How many of you out there worry about whether your baby is the ‘right’ height or the ‘right’ weight? How many of you worry about whether your child is eating too little or too much? How many of you worry about whether the vaccinations are ‘good’ or ‘bad’? How many of you worry about whether you are doing a ‘good’ job as a parent raising your children or not?

If you said, ‘yes’ to the first question and ‘no’ to all the other questions, please accept my congratulations on being a SUPER PARENT. You can stop reading here and go on with your life :-)

If you don’t qualify as a super parent, then I would like to take this opportunity to offer you a life-long membership at my NORMAL PARENT CLUB free of charge :-)

I, as a normal parent, worry about many things concerning my precious children and dread going to routine checkups, because I don’t really think they are necessary. Some parents play the doctor game with their children to make them more sympathetic towards going to the doctor, but why do children regularly need to see a doctor if they are healthy? If anything, regular checkups should start when we turn 30, because then they could be used as a preventative measure for a wide range of health problems.

Yet, it has become so accepted and so ‘normal’ to take healthy children for ‘regular’ checkups that sometimes I have to grapple with feelings of guilt when I have to admit I have skipped several checkups—as if that would reflect on my parenting skills… Even though the doctors and the nurses are really nice and sweet, I still sweat over all the questions that will be asked, the ‘should-lists’ and ‘shouldn’t-lists’, and the age-appropriate safety hazard brochures that will be given to me. All these ‘harmless’ observations and interventions make me think about things that have never crossed my mind. I start worrying about new things that don’t even apply to our lives. My child and I get no benefit from these visits—except the accompanying relief that the next appointment is not in the near future, so what is the point?

In the realm of quantum physics, it is common knowledge that observation changes the outcome of an event. I believe this fact also applies to events in our realm (aren’t we after all an extension of the quantum realm?). Thus, the mere observation of the development of a healthy child undermines a mother’s instincts. Instead of letting the mother and child be; these observations shift the mother’s focus from her immediate emotional bond with her child to (a) historical accounts of how things have been and/or (b) hypothetical accounts of how things should be and/or how they can go wrong. Once the immediate emotional bond is severed this way, the mother has been thrown off course. She needs to make a conscious effort not to dwell on all that was discussed during the ‘regular’ checkup before she can establish her instinctual mothering bond with her child again.

These regular checkups are to ensure the child’s development is on track—as if a parent is not equipped to detect warning signs. Ironically, when dealing with children who are sick, the doctors are advised to trust a mother’s instinct.

So how can it be that mothers can be trusted with sick children but not with healthy children???

Why do I need an expert to tell me my healthy child is healthy, when that expert has to rely on my instinct when my child is sick??? (However, there are also many cases when doctors do NOT trust a mother’s instinct and label the mother as worrisome and paranoid. Another friend of mine nearly lost her daughter because of such doctors, who told her there was nothing wrong with her child, when in fact something was horribly wrong.)

So what can we do?

  • Get in touch with our instincts and gut feelings.
  • Accept that each child is unique and the ‘average’ child exists only statistically—on doctors’ charts. Every child has his/her own developmental path.
  • Doctors don’t always have all the answers.
  • We know and understand our children much more than we think.
  • Have faith in our capability to be a parent. If we can give birth to a child, then we sure can help him grow up.
  • We are not raising our children; we are only helping them adjust to this world.
  • Have faith in our children.

At the zoo, there was this quote from J.H. Leopold on a wall:

Elke keer, dat ik in Artis ben geweest, begrijp ik de menschen zooveel beter. (=Every time I have been to Artis, I understand the humans so much better.)

I guess what he really wanted to say to us, mothers, was: Learn from the monkey mothers :-)

-

Helpful Links:

  1. Quantum theory demonstrated: Observation affects reality
  2. Trust a mother’s instinct on sick children, GPs told
  3. Mother’s instinct on sick children is right, doctors told

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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Apparently, all is not going as smooth as I had hoped for. In fact, it is getting worse with every day of preschool!

My two-year-old daughter (DD2) started preschool two weeks ago. Our first two days were a huge success – I was hanging around and left her by herself for only 15 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. She did not cry at all. She was happy as a bee, but things started to go downhill on the third day when I started to leave with the other parents. Since then her crying has continued to increase with every day that we have gone back.

Today was her 7th day and the worst day of crying so far…

The teachers here don’t believe that parents ought to stay to help the child get adjusted. Their philosophy is more like, “Don’t hang around, because it makes it more difficult to say goodbye. Disappear from her sight as quickly as possible. She will cry, but then she will adjust much faster.”

Parents need to drop off their children quickly and not make the situation emotional.

See, I have a problem with this kind of philosophy. However, the way things are here in the Netherlands, I should be grateful that they even let me stay as long as I did in the beginning. Parents are not welcome in the classroom. There are good reasons behind this practice:

  • The child will adjust eventually, even though they may cry.
  • Other children can start crying when they see somebody else’s parent staying behind because they are reminded of the absence of their own parents.
  • It teaches the child to be independent.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers.
  • It teaches the child that the parent comes back in the end.
  • The teachers don’t have outsiders observing them.
  • There is less of a crowd in the classroom.
  • The parents can be a distraction and a nuisance for the teachers.
  • One-size-fits-all recipe: Everybody gets the same treatment.

I believe this practice is not the best approach to raising emotionally healthy kids, because:

  • It teaches the child that her tears (emotions) don’t mean much.
  • It can be a traumatic way to sever the bond between the parent and the child.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers. (Yep! This can be good AND bad!)
  • It teaches the child that her parent can’t be trusted to stick around in emotionally distressed situations, and thus undermines the trust bond between a parent and a child. (Is this the perfect recipe to breed distrust towards each other in society?)
  • There are more friendly ways to help the transition: the parent and the child can be the judge of when to separate. Most parents know the difference between real tears and ‘crocodile’ tears. It’s just not a good idea to leave a kid alone with real tears. (To teach the child that life is cruel? Life is cruel, but if we want a less cruel society, don’t we need to make a change with the way we raise children?)

I understand why they want to keep parents out of the classroom here. If they decide to involve the parents, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box: in addition to dealing with children, the teachers also have to deal with parents, which can be extremely difficult sometimes. It requires people knowledge and communication skills. Some parents can be real pains in the neck, but some can be of great help, too!

Involving parents would mean differential treatment for every child, which goes against the societal directive here in the Netherlands that everyone is entitled to equal rights. Everyone is entitled to equal rights. It sounds so nice, but it just can’t be. There is a price to pay in order to achieve this. For example, one child’s parent can stay long and the other parent can’t/won’t. So the child whose parent can stay long is punished because the other child’s parent can’t/won’t stay… Because? Everyone is entitled to equal rights! Why should we let some kids be ‘spoiled’ when others don’t have that luxury? So let the kids whose parents can stay behind, cry…—just like the rest.

Even though we all like to have benchmarks about developmental milestones that we can compare our children against and even though in general children follow these developmental milestones, every child is unique. Any parent with more than one child knows this simple truth. What works with one kid, does not work with the other one.

My older daughter was less distressed in new situations when I explained things to her up front, but with DD2 it works the other way around. She gets even more wound up when I try to ‘prepare’ her for what is coming up! After the traumatic week at school, I tried to talk to her about it to ease her frustration and reduce her stress, but it totally backfired. She immediately began to cry and protest school. I held her tight and told her all the nice things about school but that she would have to wait because it was still a few days away. She cried even harder. I decided to drop the subject and steered her attention elsewhere. I tried talking again the next day: to no avail. At that point, I just knew that DD2 was not going to be ‘prepared to go to school’ by talking; she would just have to live through it. What good does it do to her if my talking elevates her stress level and makes her feel as if she is already on her way to school?

So much for our successful beginning in preschool…

I still don’t know what else I can do to ease her transition. The only consolation I have right now is the phone call I just received from the teacher telling me that she is doing okay and has stopped crying.

Read previous post: First day at preschool

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Why should dessert be eaten the last?

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

I was trying to feed my two-year-old child (DD2), who has given me a hard time with eating ever since the very beginning. I had her favorite food on the plate and placed her in front of her favorite show. (Yes, I know, I have been a ‘bad’ mother by letting her eat in front of the screen, but despite all my tricks to get her to eat anything, she remains borderline underweight. Therefore, I have decided that getting food in her system is more important than teaching her table manners at the moment :-) )

Just when I settle down next to her, do you know what she says to me? She would like to eat it with candy! What do I do? I have to think fast–really fast! Do I pick this battle or not?

If I say, “First you eat your food, then candy”; I know I will lose for sure. She is very stubborn and when she refuses food, that’s usually the end of the story. No matter what I do, I can’t make her eat. Then she goes to bed on an empty stomach and then she wakes up in the middle of the night: hungry… You get the picture: I lose big time. (Anyways, it is not a good idea to use candy/dessert as a reward for children since it sends a mixed message: ‘I will reward you with ‘bad’ food that is delicious, if you eat your yucky ‘good’ food!’ or ‘Save the best for the last.’—but is sugar really the ‘best’ nutritious food ingredient???)

So what do I do? Before I know it, I hear myself say, “Okay, you can eat it with candy—but you have to eat it together.” (Ooops!!! What have I done? How ridiculous is that? Why did I say that???) And she simply says, “Okay.”

And she eats it! She eats a plate of food, every spoonful accompanied by one tiny chocolate M&M. The total number of chocolate M&Ms consumed? 11! Only eleven: much less than what she would have devoured if I had instead given her the tiny box after dinner. And this way she ate more than what she would have eaten—had she agreed to eat in the first place! I consider this a win-win situation for both of us!

It does ‘sound’ disgusting: adding M&Ms on top of your dinner plate, but why? Is there a scientifically good health reason why dessert is eaten afterwards? Or why we should not eat dessert and dinner together? Some dishes (like some pasta sauces and beans) require the addition of sugar. There are even sweet and sour dishes! Is it simply because we have been conditioned to think/believe that dessert is eaten after dinner? I have done a search on the web, but I could not find a logical answer to any of these questions. So why not M&Ms with food? :-)

Helpful links:

  1. Mixed messages: Kids & healthy eating
  2. Why is it customary to eat dessert after dinner?

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First day at preschool

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Today is a historical day for my daughter 2DD and for me. I am truly proud of both of us! 2DD did not go to daycare nor did she have a babysitter. She was born and bred at home by her mama. There was not one night she spent apart from me. She was very clingy for a long time and would not go to strangers at all. During consultation visits (in the Netherlands, there are no regular visits to the pediatrician for checkup and vaccinations, but instead parents take their children to a ‘consultation bureau’), they noticed how clingy she was to me and advised me to ‘teach’ 2DD to be independent by letting her stay with someone else. I braced myself against this sort of advice, because I was following my instinct and was testing a hypothesis that I had developed over the years. Nonetheless, I would brood over what they had said because, if they were right and my hypothesis and instinct were wrong, then that would mean I was setting up 2DD for a total life of dependency (yikes!). She would never be able to do anything on her own without me. Even the thought of it was enough to give me palpitations, but I persevered :) . And thank goodness I did.

Today was a total success. 2DD is 2 years and 4 months old and when I left her today, she did not shed one tear! I give myself a HUGE pat on the back.

Okay, I confess it did not happen that quickly…

Here is how we pulled it off: 2DD had accompanied me on all three appointments with the teachers. These appointments all took place in her current classroom. During the first two appointments, she sat on my lap the whole time that we were there. Despite my efforts to put her down and have her go down the slide or play with some toys, she was adamant to stick to me. However, the third time we went there, she climbed out of my lap herself and strolled around the classroom. I tagged along and located a wooden stall filled with tiny horses – one of her favorite things. She played with them for about five minutes after which I pulled her away and told her it was time to go.

About roughly one month after that – today!—she went for her real first day.

I had told her during the last weeks a few times that she would be starting school and making new friends. I had no idea how much of that she had registered – until today, that is. When we walked together from home to her school, she herself showed me the main entrance as we approached it. Once we were inside, she knew exactly where we were headed to. She showed no resistance at all. Once we were inside, we did just like everybody else—took off her coat, put on house shoes, etc. — and it all went just fine :) !

I stayed most of the morning with her. During the last half hour of free play, I distanced myself from her and sat in another corner of the room as she played. She called for me several times and I told her to play and that I would sit there for a while. I sat there for 15 minutes as she ran back and forth a few times. After 15 minutes, I got up and told her that I was going to the bathroom and that I would be back. She looked at me gave a little nod and then went back to playing. I came back 15 minutes later to find out that she had not cried a bit and she had kept on playing and even joined a little trip to the bathroom with her teacher and another kid—not to pee, but to have a look!

SUCCESS!!! First day at preschool and not ONE tear shed.

Congratulations to 2DD and proud me!

If people tell you that the first day of school is always stressful and full of tears, here is my cup of cake for them:

  • Timing and preparation is everything. Make sure to prepare children for any pre-planned, scheduled event, because any change in their daily lives will cause a certain level of stress. (Think of it this way: when something new is coming up—a new job, a big party, moving, etc.—even adults get stressed!)
  • The parent has to learn to control their own feelings about the issue: keep a cool head and attitude and stay relaxed at all times. If the parent is having a hard time separating with the child, you can be certain that that child’s stress level will be multiplied by at least a factor of 2.
  • Don’t compare your child’s situation with other children’s situation. Even though we like to talk about what needs to happen ‘normally’, keep in mind that every situation and every child is unique. Respect that uniqueness.
  • Some crying is okay and is healthy, don’t try to prevent it or don’t worry about it. However, follow up on it. If your child is crying more than five minutes after you leave him, then something is definitely not right. Investigate. If your child’s crying is not showing signs of lessening after two weeks of school, then something is again definitely not right. Definitely investigate.
  • Learn to trust your child and to trust yourself. We are all human beings and every one of us has different needs. Respect your children’s emotional needs. You are all they have at the beginning of their journey on this planet.

Read the next post: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

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Is it okay to sleep together with my baby?

Monday, March 1st, 2010

It depends! Ask this question in China and see how people react. Ask this question in the western hemisphere and the ground remains divided between advocates of co-sleeping and separate sleeping. When I had my first child (9D), I lasted exactly 40 days before I surrendered and took her to bed with me against my mother’s heavy protests.

Being a first time inexperienced mother, I had been working fulltime until the day I delivered; I had no idea (non whatsoever!) about having babies! I had not had time to read up on anything. My plan was to learn as I went along and I didn’t think it would be difficult when my mother had so generously offered her help for the first three months. She would be the perfect coach for me. After all, she had raised me and my siblings and we were okay (I now wonder what kind of person I would have been, had I been allowed to co-sleep with my parents… Well, I guess I will never know :)). Anyways, my mother had her own ideas about how to put a baby to sleep and co-sleeping was not one of them. My mother’s typical outbursts to my insistence on co-sleeping were somewhere along these lines: “Are you out of your mind? You may roll over and kill her in your sleep! She is so tiny and you don’t know what you are doing when you are asleep! Is this really the right thing to do?”

At the time, I did not have much to say except to steel myself against all the remarks, but now I want to say: “Really? How many times have YOU rolled over and fell out of your bed or rolled over and found yourself on top of your partner in the morning? I, personally, have an exceptional ability to know where my bed ends when I sleep and I have never fallen out of my bed in my entire life. I had a feeling that I could also extend that ability and use it to prevent rolling onto my baby when I slept. And guess what? I was right! Both my children are still alive :)”

And then there was the pediatrician… As every responsible parent knows, sleep is one of the topics of discussion at every pediatrician visit (at least in the U.S.). Although 9D’s pediatrician did not approve of co-sleeping, she was not against it until 9D turned one. And then I received (again!) strong advice, this time from 9D’s pediatrician to employ Ferber’s method. I never understood what was so magical about turning one year old that required the baby to start sleeping on their own. If anything, it sounded like a bad first birthday present! Long story short, it did not work with my baby. After five days’ of torture guess what happened! I gave up (one more time!) and took her back to bed with me. :)

There are strong advocates of both separate sleeping and co-sleeping in the western hemisphere: the so-called Ferber’s method, a pretty mechanical way to teach babies to sleep on their own; and the co-sleeping method, which allows babies to sleep with their parents. Both methods are used by many parents. Co-sleeping method is probably more widespread around the globe if we include the eastern cultures (most of which have not even heard about separate sleeping) and closet-parents like myself who begin to lie to pediatricians because I was incapable of employing Ferber’s method successfully and was tired of all the sleep talk in the doctor’s office! (There are more of you out there like me, right?)

Of course, my experience does not mean that Ferber’s method is useless. In fact, I have read and heard of many stories where parents and children sleep happily ever after (or were some of them closet-parents like me?). It just does not work with everyone. Ferber’s method is mechanical, requires consistency and sticking to schedules. If your life does not move around the clock, I have a hunch that Ferber’s method may not work since any change in schedule may (and probably will) require you to start the training all over again. If your first instinct to your baby’s cry is to go and cradle him in your arms, then Ferber’s method is definitely not for you. There is also no real science behind this method and no scientific evidence to show that this is the best way to put babies to sleep. It does not sound much more different than an old wives’ tale to me (not that I don’t rely on them sometimes!), except the fact that this tale has been told by Pediatrician Richard Ferber, the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Sometimes we let the authority figures talk us into doing strange things. Nonetheless, I recently read that even Ferber has adjusted some of his stricter rules.

What about co-sleeping? Co-sleeping requires no training, no schedules, and is relatively effortless. It has been practiced by parents for thousands of years. The Japanese parents sleep like a ‘river’: with both parents being river banks and the child being the water running in the middle. How poetic! Despite my mother’s worries of me rolling over and suffocating my baby, cases of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) occur LESS with co-sleeping! Apparently, the baby learns to regulate breathing and heart beat during sleep from their parents. It turns out that the parent can help the baby and put them out of harm’s way faster if they sleep together (e.g., in case of fire, it may be too late by the time parents get to the baby’s room or in the case of kidnapping). As an added plus, breastfeeding mothers do not have to get up in the middle of the night for feeding, they can learn to do it in bed!

Co-sleeping is natural for the baby, but requires the adult to learn to sleep with a baby whereas Ferber’s method tries to teach the BABY to sleep like an adult. (However, if my husband could do it, I say, EVERYONE can do it! :)) There are drawbacks to sleeping with a baby: you will never sleep like a baby! Co-sleeping has to be done responsibly. This means you have to go to bed with a clear head (no alcohol, no drugs, etc.) so that you will know what is happening even when you are sleeping. Soft beds, fluffy pillows, electrical blankets and smoking should be eliminated from the bedroom.

Sleeping is a strange activity. Think about it: we all need to sleep for almost half the day. In the end we spend almost one third of our total life span in sleep. Some babies sleep easily and some don’t. Learning to fall asleep takes time. It is a skill to master to switch our brain from emitting beta waves to alpha waves to theta waves.

Keep in mind that every baby is unique and there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ method to help your baby fall asleep. Learn about different options and in the end do what feels right for you and your baby.

Helpful links:

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How do I make her clean up?

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

As I stepped out of my morning shower, I witnessed my husband and our 2-year old daughter (2DD) in a deadlock: dad holding 2DD by the arm while repeating, “first pick this up, first pick this up, first pick this up…” and 2DD screaming and making futile attempts to break free from dad. I automatically thought that I should step right between them and take control of the situation, but with considerable effort I held myself back and steered in the opposite direction. Dad and 2DD should be able to sort through their own fights, right?

However, not a minute had gone by when a crying 2DD came to me looking for some comforting. I was not going to console her right away, because I did not know what had exactly taken place. Why did dad let her go? Did she pick up the stuff she was supposed to? Or did dad lose his battle and caved in to her crying? If she did pick up the stuff, then consolation was okay, but otherwise… If dad lost this battle and 2DD is coming to mom in order to escape from dad, then that is definitely not okay. This sets the stage for many more lost battles for dad and a mom-2DD alliance or vice versa (where she teams up with dad against mom). The alliance should always be between the parents and the sooner you show and teach this to your child, the easier disciplining will be.

So what had really taken place? I made my appearances to dad and inquired about the incident as nonchalantly as I could. He told me that she had done her usual thing when she gets frustrated – that she had started throwing things on the ground and then he had told her to stop and to pick them up. When she had not done as she was told, he was frustrated himself and did not know what to do other than insist that she clean up: thus, the deadlock situation. In the end, he had lost his battle: he had let her go.

So what could dad have done to handle the situation? First of all, never tell an already frustrated kid what to do, because it just won’t work (and this applies to kids of all ages—not just 2-year-olds!). The first thing to do is to TRY to understand the source of frustration and work with that. Asking her to clean up when she is in the middle of throwing a tantrum will only create more frustration for the kid and will probably cause her to throw even MORE things on the floor! Here is how I would have handled the situation:

1) move slightly away from the situation and wait 20-30 seconds to see if her act is slowing down;

2) if I see her tantrum continuing or increasing, then that means she is frustrated about something and needs my help to figure it out, so this time I actually move right next to her and down to her level and have her eye-to-eye;

3) I tell her firmly to stop and ask her what is happening and TRY to listen (even though it can be really difficult to make out what she tries to say at this age!);

4) if I have her attention (wonderful!) we can start sorting things out and once the source of her frustration is taken care of, then we can move on with cleaning up her mess together;

5) if I can’t get her attention and if she is still going on with her tantrum, this time I use my arms and pick her up and make her stop, take her into a separate room and give her a time-out.

Wow! That takes time and energy! And we have barely touched on how to get her to clean up after herself. The truth of the matter is, two-year-olds are too young to learn to clean up after themselves. They have to learn other things before they can learn to clean up. That does not mean that you are the one who always has to clean up after your children. The best you can do is pick moments when your child is not frustrated and then clean up together with her. What most parents would like to see happen is that children clean up after they are done with playing. What you need to understand is that children will play until they are TIRED of playing. At that point, you can be sure that cleaning up is the LEAST likely thing that they would like to do next, simply because they are TIRED! When you ask them to clean up toys that they are TIRED of playing with, you can be sure that you are setting yourself up to be a major source of frustration for your kid. Leave the toys lying around like that for a while and come back to clean up together after your child has eaten or slept and is not tired to clean up. However, if you can’t stand the clutter of toys around, that is your problem—not your child’s problem. So don’t make your problem become your child’s problem. Clean them up yourself and save yourself and your child from further misery!

A pediatrician had once told me, “Pick your battles with your kid.” How wise, but how difficult to implement! When you are dealing with a two-year-old, keep in mind that you are dealing with a human being going through their toughest developmental stage in their whole life (if you thought puberty was tough, it’s only because you don’t remember how difficult it was when you were 2!). And really: pick your battles! A 2-year-old is a willful, irrational, nonnegotiable creature who will not give up on what she wants whatever the cost is. She can not do a cost-benefit analysis; the only thing she knows is what she wants in that moment and nothing, NOTHING else matters. It is a huge developmental step: she is on her independence path. Have some respect :)

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