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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Apparently, all is not going as smooth as I had hoped for. In fact, it is getting worse with every day of preschool!

My two-year-old daughter (DD2) started preschool two weeks ago. Our first two days were a huge success – I was hanging around and left her by herself for only 15 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. She did not cry at all. She was happy as a bee, but things started to go downhill on the third day when I started to leave with the other parents. Since then her crying has continued to increase with every day that we have gone back.

Today was her 7th day and the worst day of crying so far…

The teachers here don’t believe that parents ought to stay to help the child get adjusted. Their philosophy is more like, “Don’t hang around, because it makes it more difficult to say goodbye. Disappear from her sight as quickly as possible. She will cry, but then she will adjust much faster.”

Parents need to drop off their children quickly and not make the situation emotional.

See, I have a problem with this kind of philosophy. However, the way things are here in the Netherlands, I should be grateful that they even let me stay as long as I did in the beginning. Parents are not welcome in the classroom. There are good reasons behind this practice:

  • The child will adjust eventually, even though they may cry.
  • Other children can start crying when they see somebody else’s parent staying behind because they are reminded of the absence of their own parents.
  • It teaches the child to be independent.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers.
  • It teaches the child that the parent comes back in the end.
  • The teachers don’t have outsiders observing them.
  • There is less of a crowd in the classroom.
  • The parents can be a distraction and a nuisance for the teachers.
  • One-size-fits-all recipe: Everybody gets the same treatment.

I believe this practice is not the best approach to raising emotionally healthy kids, because:

  • It teaches the child that her tears (emotions) don’t mean much.
  • It can be a traumatic way to sever the bond between the parent and the child.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers. (Yep! This can be good AND bad!)
  • It teaches the child that her parent can’t be trusted to stick around in emotionally distressed situations, and thus undermines the trust bond between a parent and a child. (Is this the perfect recipe to breed distrust towards each other in society?)
  • There are more friendly ways to help the transition: the parent and the child can be the judge of when to separate. Most parents know the difference between real tears and ‘crocodile’ tears. It’s just not a good idea to leave a kid alone with real tears. (To teach the child that life is cruel? Life is cruel, but if we want a less cruel society, don’t we need to make a change with the way we raise children?)

I understand why they want to keep parents out of the classroom here. If they decide to involve the parents, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box: in addition to dealing with children, the teachers also have to deal with parents, which can be extremely difficult sometimes. It requires people knowledge and communication skills. Some parents can be real pains in the neck, but some can be of great help, too!

Involving parents would mean differential treatment for every child, which goes against the societal directive here in the Netherlands that everyone is entitled to equal rights. Everyone is entitled to equal rights. It sounds so nice, but it just can’t be. There is a price to pay in order to achieve this. For example, one child’s parent can stay long and the other parent can’t/won’t. So the child whose parent can stay long is punished because the other child’s parent can’t/won’t stay… Because? Everyone is entitled to equal rights! Why should we let some kids be ‘spoiled’ when others don’t have that luxury? So let the kids whose parents can stay behind, cry…—just like the rest.

Even though we all like to have benchmarks about developmental milestones that we can compare our children against and even though in general children follow these developmental milestones, every child is unique. Any parent with more than one child knows this simple truth. What works with one kid, does not work with the other one.

My older daughter was less distressed in new situations when I explained things to her up front, but with DD2 it works the other way around. She gets even more wound up when I try to ‘prepare’ her for what is coming up! After the traumatic week at school, I tried to talk to her about it to ease her frustration and reduce her stress, but it totally backfired. She immediately began to cry and protest school. I held her tight and told her all the nice things about school but that she would have to wait because it was still a few days away. She cried even harder. I decided to drop the subject and steered her attention elsewhere. I tried talking again the next day: to no avail. At that point, I just knew that DD2 was not going to be ‘prepared to go to school’ by talking; she would just have to live through it. What good does it do to her if my talking elevates her stress level and makes her feel as if she is already on her way to school?

So much for our successful beginning in preschool…

I still don’t know what else I can do to ease her transition. The only consolation I have right now is the phone call I just received from the teacher telling me that she is doing okay and has stopped crying.

Read previous post: First day at preschool

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Why should dessert be eaten the last?

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

I was trying to feed my two-year-old child (DD2), who has given me a hard time with eating ever since the very beginning. I had her favorite food on the plate and placed her in front of her favorite show. (Yes, I know, I have been a ‘bad’ mother by letting her eat in front of the screen, but despite all my tricks to get her to eat anything, she remains borderline underweight. Therefore, I have decided that getting food in her system is more important than teaching her table manners at the moment :-) )

Just when I settle down next to her, do you know what she says to me? She would like to eat it with candy! What do I do? I have to think fast–really fast! Do I pick this battle or not?

If I say, “First you eat your food, then candy”; I know I will lose for sure. She is very stubborn and when she refuses food, that’s usually the end of the story. No matter what I do, I can’t make her eat. Then she goes to bed on an empty stomach and then she wakes up in the middle of the night: hungry… You get the picture: I lose big time. (Anyways, it is not a good idea to use candy/dessert as a reward for children since it sends a mixed message: ‘I will reward you with ‘bad’ food that is delicious, if you eat your yucky ‘good’ food!’ or ‘Save the best for the last.’—but is sugar really the ‘best’ nutritious food ingredient???)

So what do I do? Before I know it, I hear myself say, “Okay, you can eat it with candy—but you have to eat it together.” (Ooops!!! What have I done? How ridiculous is that? Why did I say that???) And she simply says, “Okay.”

And she eats it! She eats a plate of food, every spoonful accompanied by one tiny chocolate M&M. The total number of chocolate M&Ms consumed? 11! Only eleven: much less than what she would have devoured if I had instead given her the tiny box after dinner. And this way she ate more than what she would have eaten—had she agreed to eat in the first place! I consider this a win-win situation for both of us!

It does ‘sound’ disgusting: adding M&Ms on top of your dinner plate, but why? Is there a scientifically good health reason why dessert is eaten afterwards? Or why we should not eat dessert and dinner together? Some dishes (like some pasta sauces and beans) require the addition of sugar. There are even sweet and sour dishes! Is it simply because we have been conditioned to think/believe that dessert is eaten after dinner? I have done a search on the web, but I could not find a logical answer to any of these questions. So why not M&Ms with food? :-)

Helpful links:

  1. Mixed messages: Kids & healthy eating
  2. Why is it customary to eat dessert after dinner?

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First day at preschool

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Today is a historical day for my daughter 2DD and for me. I am truly proud of both of us! 2DD did not go to daycare nor did she have a babysitter. She was born and bred at home by her mama. There was not one night she spent apart from me. She was very clingy for a long time and would not go to strangers at all. During consultation visits (in the Netherlands, there are no regular visits to the pediatrician for checkup and vaccinations, but instead parents take their children to a ‘consultation bureau’), they noticed how clingy she was to me and advised me to ‘teach’ 2DD to be independent by letting her stay with someone else. I braced myself against this sort of advice, because I was following my instinct and was testing a hypothesis that I had developed over the years. Nonetheless, I would brood over what they had said because, if they were right and my hypothesis and instinct were wrong, then that would mean I was setting up 2DD for a total life of dependency (yikes!). She would never be able to do anything on her own without me. Even the thought of it was enough to give me palpitations, but I persevered :) . And thank goodness I did.

Today was a total success. 2DD is 2 years and 4 months old and when I left her today, she did not shed one tear! I give myself a HUGE pat on the back.

Okay, I confess it did not happen that quickly…

Here is how we pulled it off: 2DD had accompanied me on all three appointments with the teachers. These appointments all took place in her current classroom. During the first two appointments, she sat on my lap the whole time that we were there. Despite my efforts to put her down and have her go down the slide or play with some toys, she was adamant to stick to me. However, the third time we went there, she climbed out of my lap herself and strolled around the classroom. I tagged along and located a wooden stall filled with tiny horses – one of her favorite things. She played with them for about five minutes after which I pulled her away and told her it was time to go.

About roughly one month after that – today!—she went for her real first day.

I had told her during the last weeks a few times that she would be starting school and making new friends. I had no idea how much of that she had registered – until today, that is. When we walked together from home to her school, she herself showed me the main entrance as we approached it. Once we were inside, she knew exactly where we were headed to. She showed no resistance at all. Once we were inside, we did just like everybody else—took off her coat, put on house shoes, etc. — and it all went just fine :) !

I stayed most of the morning with her. During the last half hour of free play, I distanced myself from her and sat in another corner of the room as she played. She called for me several times and I told her to play and that I would sit there for a while. I sat there for 15 minutes as she ran back and forth a few times. After 15 minutes, I got up and told her that I was going to the bathroom and that I would be back. She looked at me gave a little nod and then went back to playing. I came back 15 minutes later to find out that she had not cried a bit and she had kept on playing and even joined a little trip to the bathroom with her teacher and another kid—not to pee, but to have a look!

SUCCESS!!! First day at preschool and not ONE tear shed.

Congratulations to 2DD and proud me!

If people tell you that the first day of school is always stressful and full of tears, here is my cup of cake for them:

  • Timing and preparation is everything. Make sure to prepare children for any pre-planned, scheduled event, because any change in their daily lives will cause a certain level of stress. (Think of it this way: when something new is coming up—a new job, a big party, moving, etc.—even adults get stressed!)
  • The parent has to learn to control their own feelings about the issue: keep a cool head and attitude and stay relaxed at all times. If the parent is having a hard time separating with the child, you can be certain that that child’s stress level will be multiplied by at least a factor of 2.
  • Don’t compare your child’s situation with other children’s situation. Even though we like to talk about what needs to happen ‘normally’, keep in mind that every situation and every child is unique. Respect that uniqueness.
  • Some crying is okay and is healthy, don’t try to prevent it or don’t worry about it. However, follow up on it. If your child is crying more than five minutes after you leave him, then something is definitely not right. Investigate. If your child’s crying is not showing signs of lessening after two weeks of school, then something is again definitely not right. Definitely investigate.
  • Learn to trust your child and to trust yourself. We are all human beings and every one of us has different needs. Respect your children’s emotional needs. You are all they have at the beginning of their journey on this planet.

Read the next post: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

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Is it okay to co-sleep with my baby?

Monday, March 1st, 2010

It depends! Ask this question in China and see how people react. Ask this question in the western hemisphere and the ground remains divided between advocates of co-sleeping and separate sleeping. When I had my first child (9D), I lasted exactly 40 days before I surrendered and took her to bed with me against my mother’s heavy protests.

Being a first time inexperienced mother, I had been working fulltime until the day I delivered; I had no idea (non whatsoever!) about having babies! I had not had time to read up on anything. My plan was to learn as I went along and I didn’t think it would be difficult when my mother had so generously offered her help for the first three months. She would be the perfect coach for me. After all, she had raised me and my siblings and we were okay (I now wonder what kind of person I would have been, had I been allowed to co-sleep with my parents… Well, I guess I will never know :) ). Anyways, my mother had her own ideas about how to put a baby to sleep and co-sleeping was not one of them. My mother’s typical outbursts to my insistence on co-sleeping were somewhere along these lines: “Are you out of your mind? You may roll over and kill her in your sleep! She is so tiny and you don’t know what you are doing when you are asleep! Is this really the right thing to do?”

At the time, I did not have much to say except to steel myself against all the remarks, but now I want to say: “Really? How many times have YOU rolled over and fell out of your bed or rolled over and found yourself on top of your partner in the morning? I, personally, have an exceptional ability to know where my bed ends when I sleep and I have never fallen out of my bed in my entire life. I had a feeling that I could also extend that ability and use it to prevent rolling onto my baby when I slept. And guess what? I was right! Both my children are still alive :) ”

And then there was the pediatrician… As every responsible parent knows, sleep is one of the topics of discussion at every pediatrician visit (at least in the U.S.). Although 9D’s pediatrician did not approve of co-sleeping, she was not against it until 9D turned one. And then I received (again!) strong advice, this time from 9D’s pediatrician to employ Ferber’s method. I never understood what was so magical about turning one year old that required the baby to start sleeping on their own. If anything, it sounded like a bad first birthday present! Long story short, it did not work with my baby. After five days’ of torture guess what happened! I gave up (one more time!) and took her back to bed with me. :)

There are strong advocates of both separate sleeping and co-sleeping in the western hemisphere: the so-called Ferber’s method, a pretty mechanical way to teach babies to sleep on their own; and the co-sleeping method, which allows babies to sleep with their parents. Both methods are used by many parents. Co-sleeping method is probably more widespread around the globe if we include the eastern cultures (most of which have not even heard about separate sleeping) and closet-parents like myself who begin to lie to pediatricians because I was incapable of employing Ferber’s method successfully and was tired of all the sleep talk in the doctor’s office! (There are more of you out there like me, right?)

Of course, my experience does not mean that Ferber’s method is useless. In fact, I have read and heard of many stories where parents and children sleep happily ever after (or were some of them closet-parents like me?). It just does not work with everyone. Ferber’s method is mechanical, requires consistency and sticking to schedules. If your life does not move around the clock, I have a hunch that Ferber’s method may not work since any change in schedule may (and probably will) require you to start the training all over again. If your first instinct to your baby’s cry is to go and cradle him in your arms, then Ferber’s method is definitely not for you. There is also no real science behind this method and no scientific evidence to show that this is the best way to put babies to sleep. It does not sound much more different than an old wives’ tale to me (not that I don’t rely on them sometimes!), except the fact that this tale has been told by Pediatrician Richard Ferber, the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Sometimes we let the authority figures talk us into doing strange things. Nonetheless, I recently read that even Ferber has adjusted some of his stricter rules.

What about co-sleeping? Co-sleeping requires no training, no schedules, and is relatively effortless. It has been practiced by parents for thousands of years. The Japanese parents sleep like a ‘river’: with both parents being river banks and the child being the water running in the middle. How poetic! Despite my mother’s worries of me rolling over and suffocating my baby, cases of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) occur LESS with co-sleeping! Apparently, the baby learns to regulate breathing and heart beat during sleep from their parents. It turns out that the parent can help the baby and put them out of harm’s way faster if they sleep together (e.g., in case of fire, it may be too late by the time parents get to the baby’s room or in the case of kidnapping). As an added plus, breastfeeding mothers do not have to get up in the middle of the night for feeding, they can learn to do it in bed!

Co-sleeping is natural for the baby, but requires the adult to learn to sleep with a baby whereas Ferber’s method tries to teach the BABY to sleep like an adult. (However, if my husband could do it, I say, EVERYONE can do it! :) ) There are drawbacks to sleeping with a baby: you will never sleep like a baby! Co-sleeping has to be done responsibly. This means you have to go to bed with a clear head (no alcohol, no drugs, etc.) so that you will know what is happening even when you are sleeping. Soft beds, fluffy pillows, electrical blankets and smoking should be eliminated from the bedroom.

Sleeping is a strange activity. Think about it: we all need to sleep for almost half the day. In the end we spend almost one third of our total life span in sleep. Some babies sleep easily and some don’t. Learning to fall asleep takes time. It is a skill to master to switch our brain from emitting beta waves to alpha waves to theta waves.

Keep in mind that every baby is unique and there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ method to help your baby fall asleep. Learn about different options and in the end do what feels right for you and your baby.

Helpful links:

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How do I make her clean up?

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

As I stepped out of my morning shower, I witnessed my husband and our 2-year old daughter (2DD) in a deadlock: dad holding 2DD by the arm while repeating, “first pick this up, first pick this up, first pick this up…” and 2DD screaming and making futile attempts to break free from dad. I automatically thought that I should step right between them and take control of the situation, but with considerable effort I held myself back and steered in the opposite direction. Dad and 2DD should be able to sort through their own fights, right?

However, not a minute had gone by when a crying 2DD came to me looking for some comforting. I was not going to console her right away, because I did not know what had exactly taken place. Why did dad let her go? Did she pick up the stuff she was supposed to? Or did dad lose his battle and caved in to her crying? If she did pick up the stuff, then consolation was okay, but otherwise… If dad lost this battle and 2DD is coming to mom in order to escape from dad, then that is definitely not okay. This sets the stage for many more lost battles for dad and a mom-2DD alliance or vice versa (where she teams up with dad against mom). The alliance should always be between the parents and the sooner you show and teach this to your child, the easier disciplining will be.

So what had really taken place? I made my appearances to dad and inquired about the incident as nonchalantly as I could. He told me that she had done her usual thing when she gets frustrated – that she had started throwing things on the ground and then he had told her to stop and to pick them up. When she had not done as she was told, he was frustrated himself and did not know what to do other than insist that she clean up: thus, the deadlock situation. In the end, he had lost his battle: he had let her go.

So what could dad have done to handle the situation? First of all, never tell an already frustrated kid what to do, because it just won’t work (and this applies to kids of all ages—not just 2-year-olds!). The first thing to do is to TRY to understand the source of frustration and work with that. Asking her to clean up when she is in the middle of throwing a tantrum will only create more frustration for the kid and will probably cause her to throw even MORE things on the floor! Here is how I would have handled the situation:

1) move slightly away from the situation and wait 20-30 seconds to see if her act is slowing down;

2) if I see her tantrum continuing or increasing, then that means she is frustrated about something and needs my help to figure it out, so this time I actually move right next to her and down to her level and have her eye-to-eye;

3) I tell her firmly to stop and ask her what is happening and TRY to listen (even though it can be really difficult to make out what she tries to say at this age!);

4) if I have her attention (wonderful!) we can start sorting things out and once the source of her frustration is taken care of, then we can move on with cleaning up her mess together;

5) if I can’t get her attention and if she is still going on with her tantrum, this time I use my arms and pick her up and make her stop, take her into a separate room and give her a time-out.

Wow! That takes time and energy! And we have barely touched on how to get her to clean up after herself. The truth of the matter is, two-year-olds are too young to learn to clean up after themselves. They have to learn other things before they can learn to clean up. That does not mean that you are the one who always has to clean up after your children. The best you can do is pick moments when your child is not frustrated and then clean up together with her. What most parents would like to see happen is that children clean up after they are done with playing. What you need to understand is that children will play until they are TIRED of playing. At that point, you can be sure that cleaning up is the LEAST likely thing that they would like to do next, simply because they are TIRED! When you ask them to clean up toys that they are TIRED of playing with, you can be sure that you are setting yourself up to be a major source of frustration for your kid. Leave the toys lying around like that for a while and come back to clean up together after your child has eaten or slept and is not tired to clean up. However, if you can’t stand the clutter of toys around, that is your problem—not your child’s problem. So don’t make your problem become your child’s problem. Clean them up yourself and save yourself and your child from further misery!

A pediatrician had once told me, “Pick your battles with your kid.” How wise, but how difficult to implement! When you are dealing with a two-year-old, keep in mind that you are dealing with a human being going through their toughest developmental stage in their whole life (if you thought puberty was tough, it’s only because you don’t remember how difficult it was when you were 2!). And really: pick your battles! A 2-year-old is a willful, irrational, nonnegotiable creature who will not give up on what she wants whatever the cost is. She can not do a cost-benefit analysis; the only thing she knows is what she wants in that moment and nothing, NOTHING else matters. It is a huge developmental step: she is on her independence path. Have some respect :)

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