Posts Tagged ‘conflict resolution’

VVD wil verplichte taaltoets voor peuters = VVD wants mandatory language test for 3-year-olds

Sunday, April 11th, 2010

This is a piece of news from Amsterdam. All 3-year-olds must do a language test before they start school. Those who do not know enough Dutch will get additional Dutch lessons before they start school.

How utterly brilliant…

The VVD party hopes to reduce the ‘cause’ of school dropouts by testing 3-year-olds for language. Those parents who do not wish to participate will get penalized through reduction of their kinderbijslag (child support payments by the government).

The situation in this country never ceases to amaze me. There is strong stereotyping here against immigrants from certain countries—they even get this special name ‘allochtoon’. The word is derived from Ancient Greek (ἀλλος=other, foreign; χθων=earth, land) and literally means ‘from another land’. It sounds quite harmless indeed, but the word has acquired an additional negative load over the years and now means much more than just an ‘immigrant’. Wikipedia has a very nice article on the word and how it is used in everyday language (in Dutch!—unfortunately if you want to read the English version, you don’t get this information… makes me wonder why?)

Here it goes:

In everyday language, the word ‘allochtoon’ is used to refer to one of the following:

  1. A person belonging to a culturally segregated group,
  2. A person who cannot speak good Dutch,
  3. A ‘gastarbeider’ or the offspring of a ‘gastarbeider’(=guest worker—this term refers to cheap labor imported during 1970’s and 1980’s mostly out of Morocca and Turkey, but also from Italy, Spain, and Portugal. These people were eventually expected to return to their homeland, but most of them settled in the Netherlands and the word ‘gastarbeider’ became somewhat derogatory over the years.)
  4. A person whose skin color is not white,
  5. A person who is not of Dutch ethnic origin.

These immigrants were summoned and welcomed for a purpose—to provide cheap labor—in the beginning, but then they were expected to go back to where they came from when they were no longer needed. They were no longer welcome. However, these immigrants are people and they also have a mind of their own and are entitled to make their own choices. Unfortunately, when they made the ‘wrong’ choice, i.e., chose to stay in the Netherlands when their time was up, the Dutch did not like it at all. The initial warm welcome that the Dutch endowed upon these immigrants turned into bitterness and regret over the years. So much so that it has turned the society into highly segregated groups living under the guise and pretense of equality. The Dutch take great pride in their tolerance, yet they know nothing of tolerance: it’s simply indifference. And their indifference to the different cultures that live amongst them has come at a great societal cost where they can no longer afford to be indifferent any more.

These immigrants who have stayed and produced their offspring in the Netherlands now constitute a ‘problem’ for the ‘Dutch’. The ‘gastarbeiders’ were never integrated into the society in the first place, because they were supposed to leave in the end (when was the ‘end’ is a bit unclear). Thus, what do these ‘gastarbeiders’ do in a country where they are supposed to work without knowing the language and without knowing the ways of the people? They work together; they stick together; they live together; they pray together; they find comradeship and comfort in each other’s company. They are like people stranded on an island—except the island is surrounded not by water, but by the Dutch people who have summoned these people to work for them. They are slaves working for their masters. However, the good masters are only interested in the work of their slaves—nothing else.

What happens over time? Immigrant neighborhoods grow: more immigrants come, some start to bring in their family members, some start new families… There are children being born into these neighborhoods… These children grow up on these ‘islands’ not knowing about the sea surrounding them. At some point, these children have to sail out into the sea, i.e., they have to go to school.

This is the point where the ‘Dutch’ realize they have a ‘problem’ on their hands: these children do not know Dutch; they don’t know the ways of the people. The teachers don’t know how to handle these children, because they don’t know about these children. These children are like ‘aliens’ in the classrooms: they look different, they talk different, they act different. They come from a different culture. These children are referred to as ‘second generation’. They were born in the Netherlands, but at least one of their parents comes from another country.

Just stop and think for a second and put yourself in these children’s shoes. How would you feel?

I will tell you how I would feel. I would immediately start looking for safe ground. If the teacher does not understand what I say and does not make an effort to understand me, I would immediately take a dislike to the teacher and to the school system in general. The ‘natives’ would be like aliens to me and I would steer as far away from them as possible. I would try to share my experiences at home, but they would not have a clue of what I would be going through and could not even begin to help me deal with my problems at school and how to bridge the language gap. Because you see, my parents don’t speak the language… I would look for friends who would be like me and who would understand me. Friends who felt as torn inside as I do: with nobody really understanding what we were going through–neither family nor society… Eventually, we would start to loathe the ‘natives’ and family who do nothing to understand us, yet continue to demand that we understand and obey their ways—and punish us when we don’t. We would start to think why we have to do what we are told to do. What could be OUR way of dealing with life? Eventually, we might even consider rebellion…

Is it a surprise then that there are a lot of ‘problematic’ youth gangs in the Netherlands?

Is it a surprise that this ‘second generation’ youth is out of control and they drop out of school in big numbers?

Is it a surprise that this ‘second generation’ youth does not speak Dutch like the ‘Dutch’? Is it because their mother tongue is creating a barrier and preventing them to integrate into the Dutch culture and language? Do they really have an accent or have they DELIBERATELY developed an accent to stand apart from the ‘natives’?

The bilingual research says children are perfectly capable of acquiring two languages–even though the languages are not learned at the same time. Moreover, there is evidence that children who speak two languages have higher intellectual capacity compared to children who speak only one language. So what is the ‘problem’ with these children in this country?

I think the ‘problem’ lies with the ‘Dutch’ themselves. They like to point their fingers at ‘others’ without pointing it at themselves. They need to turn the tables around and try to understand these children and where they are coming from. They need to make them feel at home. What these children need is understanding, compassion, and love. These children are not here because of their own choice. They are here because the ‘Dutch’ needed their parents to work for them. They are not aliens from another planet. They are children and they are smart children, who just don’t happen to have it easy…

Given the scientific evidence that even the IQ of a child cannot be properly determined before they are 5 years old (and even then the tests can be misleading), starting to test their language at 3 years of age is an unfounded and arbitrary decision.

Instead, give them an ear and listen to them. Show some compassion. Love them.

I think that’s all they need: when they are children… Once they grow up, it may be too late. And giving language tests to THEIR children (so-called the ‘third generation’) is definitely not going to solve the problem…

Unfortunately, I suspect that at this point in time, both the ‘Dutch’ and the ‘immigrants’ have run out of compassion, love, and understanding for each other. The ‘Dutch’ just want all the ‘immigrants’ to go back home. Is that plausible? Where is home NOW for these ‘immigrants’ who came and settled here decades ago?

Just stop and think for a moment…

Helpful Links:

  1. VVD wil verplichte taaltoets voor peuters
  2. Allochtoon
  3. Gastarbeider

Why should dessert be eaten the last?

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

I was trying to feed my two-year-old child (DD2), who has given me a hard time with eating ever since the very beginning. I had her favorite food on the plate and placed her in front of her favorite show. (Yes, I know, I have been a ‘bad’ mother by letting her eat in front of the screen, but despite all my tricks to get her to eat anything, she remains borderline underweight. Therefore, I have decided that getting food in her system is more important than teaching her table manners at the moment :-) )

Just when I settle down next to her, do you know what she says to me? She would like to eat it with candy! What do I do? I have to think fast–really fast! Do I pick this battle or not?

If I say, “First you eat your food, then candy”; I know I will lose for sure. She is very stubborn and when she refuses food, that’s usually the end of the story. No matter what I do, I can’t make her eat. Then she goes to bed on an empty stomach and then she wakes up in the middle of the night: hungry… You get the picture: I lose big time. (Anyways, it is not a good idea to use candy/dessert as a reward for children since it sends a mixed message: ‘I will reward you with ‘bad’ food that is delicious, if you eat your yucky ‘good’ food!’ or ‘Save the best for the last.’—but is sugar really the ‘best’ nutritious food ingredient???)

So what do I do? Before I know it, I hear myself say, “Okay, you can eat it with candy—but you have to eat it together.” (Ooops!!! What have I done? How ridiculous is that? Why did I say that???) And she simply says, “Okay.”

And she eats it! She eats a plate of food, every spoonful accompanied by one tiny chocolate M&M. The total number of chocolate M&Ms consumed? 11! Only eleven: much less than what she would have devoured if I had instead given her the tiny box after dinner. And this way she ate more than what she would have eaten—had she agreed to eat in the first place! I consider this a win-win situation for both of us!

It does ‘sound’ disgusting: adding M&Ms on top of your dinner plate, but why? Is there a scientifically good health reason why dessert is eaten afterwards? Or why we should not eat dessert and dinner together? Some dishes (like some pasta sauces and beans) require the addition of sugar. There are even sweet and sour dishes! Is it simply because we have been conditioned to think/believe that dessert is eaten after dinner? I have done a search on the web, but I could not find a logical answer to any of these questions. So why not M&Ms with food? :-)

Helpful links:

  1. Mixed messages: Kids & healthy eating
  2. Why is it customary to eat dessert after dinner?

How do I make her clean up?

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

As I stepped out of my morning shower, I witnessed my husband and our 2-year old daughter (2DD) in a deadlock: dad holding 2DD by the arm while repeating, “first pick this up, first pick this up, first pick this up…” and 2DD screaming and making futile attempts to break free from dad. I automatically thought that I should step right between them and take control of the situation, but with considerable effort I held myself back and steered in the opposite direction. Dad and 2DD should be able to sort through their own fights, right?

However, not a minute had gone by when a crying 2DD came to me looking for some comforting. I was not going to console her right away, because I did not know what had exactly taken place. Why did dad let her go? Did she pick up the stuff she was supposed to? Or did dad lose his battle and caved in to her crying? If she did pick up the stuff, then consolation was okay, but otherwise… If dad lost this battle and 2DD is coming to mom in order to escape from dad, then that is definitely not okay. This sets the stage for many more lost battles for dad and a mom-2DD alliance or vice versa (where she teams up with dad against mom). The alliance should always be between the parents and the sooner you show and teach this to your child, the easier disciplining will be.

So what had really taken place? I made my appearances to dad and inquired about the incident as nonchalantly as I could. He told me that she had done her usual thing when she gets frustrated – that she had started throwing things on the ground and then he had told her to stop and to pick them up. When she had not done as she was told, he was frustrated himself and did not know what to do other than insist that she clean up: thus, the deadlock situation. In the end, he had lost his battle: he had let her go.

So what could dad have done to handle the situation? First of all, never tell an already frustrated kid what to do, because it just won’t work (and this applies to kids of all ages—not just 2-year-olds!). The first thing to do is to TRY to understand the source of frustration and work with that. Asking her to clean up when she is in the middle of throwing a tantrum will only create more frustration for the kid and will probably cause her to throw even MORE things on the floor! Here is how I would have handled the situation:

1) move slightly away from the situation and wait 20-30 seconds to see if her act is slowing down;

2) if I see her tantrum continuing or increasing, then that means she is frustrated about something and needs my help to figure it out, so this time I actually move right next to her and down to her level and have her eye-to-eye;

3) I tell her firmly to stop and ask her what is happening and TRY to listen (even though it can be really difficult to make out what she tries to say at this age!);

4) if I have her attention (wonderful!) we can start sorting things out and once the source of her frustration is taken care of, then we can move on with cleaning up her mess together;

5) if I can’t get her attention and if she is still going on with her tantrum, this time I use my arms and pick her up and make her stop, take her into a separate room and give her a time-out.

Wow! That takes time and energy! And we have barely touched on how to get her to clean up after herself. The truth of the matter is, two-year-olds are too young to learn to clean up after themselves. They have to learn other things before they can learn to clean up. That does not mean that you are the one who always has to clean up after your children. The best you can do is pick moments when your child is not frustrated and then clean up together with her. What most parents would like to see happen is that children clean up after they are done with playing. What you need to understand is that children will play until they are TIRED of playing. At that point, you can be sure that cleaning up is the LEAST likely thing that they would like to do next, simply because they are TIRED! When you ask them to clean up toys that they are TIRED of playing with, you can be sure that you are setting yourself up to be a major source of frustration for your kid. Leave the toys lying around like that for a while and come back to clean up together after your child has eaten or slept and is not tired to clean up. However, if you can’t stand the clutter of toys around, that is your problem—not your child’s problem. So don’t make your problem become your child’s problem. Clean them up yourself and save yourself and your child from further misery!

A pediatrician had once told me, “Pick your battles with your kid.” How wise, but how difficult to implement! When you are dealing with a two-year-old, keep in mind that you are dealing with a human being going through their toughest developmental stage in their whole life (if you thought puberty was tough, it’s only because you don’t remember how difficult it was when you were 2!). And really: pick your battles! A 2-year-old is a willful, irrational, nonnegotiable creature who will not give up on what she wants whatever the cost is. She can not do a cost-benefit analysis; the only thing she knows is what she wants in that moment and nothing, NOTHING else matters. It is a huge developmental step: she is on her independence path. Have some respect :)