Posts Tagged ‘cultural differences’

Honolulu

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

Mother considered that a moment, then got up, went to her wardrobe chest, and opened the bottom drawer. She rooted about inside, finally pulling out a carefully folded wrapping cloth. Sitting again, she unfolded it: it was a beautiful patchwork cloth with a green border enclosing a checkerboard of dozens of little rectangles and squares—red, yellow, gold, green, brown, blue, and black.

“You see these?” She pointed out a half dozen of the black rectangles, scattered randomly across the checkerboard. “I added these on the day my mother died, many years ago, because that was my mood that day. There is no pattern to where I placed them, as there is no sense to be made of death. One’s eye may not go to them first, but next to them the blues look bluer, the reds richer, the golds more brilliant. Without them the cloth is pretty, but without character or contrast.”

“Yes,” I said quietly. “I see.”

excerpt from Honolulu (2009) by Alan Brennert

When I read this, I felt the truth of these words reverberate deep in my bones.

Lately, I have been thinking about all the happiness wishes that we generously bestow upon each other on birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc. When I was pregnant, I wished for a happy, healthy baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes who would grow up with both parents in wealth and prosperity—and so did my friends and everybody else in my family. Who wishes it to be otherwise?

However, things are not always rosy in life.

There is nothing wrong with making a ‘good’ wish, but when it does not materialize… What does it mean? Did I not make a wish from the bottom of my heart? Or do I not deserve to be granted my wish? Or does God play dice with our lives?

When something ‘bad’ happens, then what? Am I being punished? Or were there not enough ‘good’ wishes made for me? Or was it my fault?

When I was agonizing over the unfortunate events that befell me, a friend of mine recommended a book to me: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner. I was happy that somebody finally had an answer for me! And yes, I presume to be a ‘good’ person :-) Anyways, to cut a long story short, the book did not answer all of my questions. Since then, I have been grappling with this question and looking at other people’s lives…

And then, of course, there is all this new age stuff that talks about ‘Positive Thinking’ or the ‘Law of Attraction’. So in a way, I must have attracted all those unfortunate events because of my ‘faulty’, ‘negative’ thought patterns… Okay, I confess, maybe partly so :-)

But then, can someone explain to me all those innocent babies born into poverty or physical disability? Did their negative and faulty thoughts in the womb (or before the womb–if you believe in reincarnation) materialize when they were born???

In Alan Brennert’s book, when her mother explained to Jin (who was named ‘Regret’ at birth, because she was not a boy) why she put the black rectangles on the patchwork cloth, something hit home with me. That was it! This was a beautiful and poignant answer to my question. So, thank you Alan for putting it so eloquently!

Honolulu is the story of a Korean picture bride in the early 1900s. It is a story of oppressions: oppression of Korean women by their husbands and families, oppression of Koreans by the Japanese, oppression of immigrants and local Hawaiians by the White ‘masters’—called the “Big Five”.

Despite the dismal aspects of an oppressed life, Alan does a wonderful job of weaving a story of perseverance, endurance and hope.

That’s what life is about, I guess: The good and the bad together. Just like night and day, just like laughter and tears, just like birth and death, just like yin yang. Both good people and bad people get their share of good things and bad things in life.

If there were no darkness, we would never appreciate light. But then, it is the presence of light that makes darkness a ‘bad’ thing. Imagine if we all lived in the dark and never knew sunlight… Because we would not know otherwise, we would continue to live in darkness without seeking light. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what happens with people who are depressed. Having been there and done that, I know how difficult it is to get out of that big, black hole. “What’s the point?” I used to ask myself, because I could not see any light.

Yet that is what life is about—with all its ups and downs. There is definitely thunder and rain sometimes, but also sunshine afterwards… And, I must say, even sunshine gets hot and boring if it lasts too long :-)

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VVD wil verplichte taaltoets voor peuters = VVD wants mandatory language test for 3-year-olds

Sunday, April 11th, 2010

This is a piece of news from Amsterdam. All 3-year-olds must do a language test before they start school. Those who do not know enough Dutch will get additional Dutch lessons before they start school.

How utterly brilliant…

The VVD party hopes to reduce the ‘cause’ of school dropouts by testing 3-year-olds for language. Those parents who do not wish to participate will get penalized through reduction of their kinderbijslag (child support payments by the government).

The situation in this country never ceases to amaze me. There is strong stereotyping here against immigrants from certain countries—they even get this special name ‘allochtoon’. The word is derived from Ancient Greek (ἀλλος=other, foreign; χθων=earth, land) and literally means ‘from another land’. It sounds quite harmless indeed, but the word has acquired an additional negative load over the years and now means much more than just an ‘immigrant’. Wikipedia has a very nice article on the word and how it is used in everyday language (in Dutch!—unfortunately if you want to read the English version, you don’t get this information… makes me wonder why?)

Here it goes:

In everyday language, the word ‘allochtoon’ is used to refer to one of the following:

  1. A person belonging to a culturally segregated group,
  2. A person who cannot speak good Dutch,
  3. A ‘gastarbeider’ or the offspring of a ‘gastarbeider’(=guest worker—this term refers to cheap labor imported during 1970’s and 1980’s mostly out of Morocca and Turkey, but also from Italy, Spain, and Portugal. These people were eventually expected to return to their homeland, but most of them settled in the Netherlands and the word ‘gastarbeider’ became somewhat derogatory over the years.)
  4. A person whose skin color is not white,
  5. A person who is not of Dutch ethnic origin.

These immigrants were summoned and welcomed for a purpose—to provide cheap labor—in the beginning, but then they were expected to go back to where they came from when they were no longer needed. They were no longer welcome. However, these immigrants are people and they also have a mind of their own and are entitled to make their own choices. Unfortunately, when they made the ‘wrong’ choice, i.e., chose to stay in the Netherlands when their time was up, the Dutch did not like it at all. The initial warm welcome that the Dutch endowed upon these immigrants turned into bitterness and regret over the years. So much so that it has turned the society into highly segregated groups living under the guise and pretense of equality. The Dutch take great pride in their tolerance, yet they know nothing of tolerance: it’s simply indifference. And their indifference to the different cultures that live amongst them has come at a great societal cost where they can no longer afford to be indifferent any more.

These immigrants who have stayed and produced their offspring in the Netherlands now constitute a ‘problem’ for the ‘Dutch’. The ‘gastarbeiders’ were never integrated into the society in the first place, because they were supposed to leave in the end (when was the ‘end’ is a bit unclear). Thus, what do these ‘gastarbeiders’ do in a country where they are supposed to work without knowing the language and without knowing the ways of the people? They work together; they stick together; they live together; they pray together; they find comradeship and comfort in each other’s company. They are like people stranded on an island—except the island is surrounded not by water, but by the Dutch people who have summoned these people to work for them. They are slaves working for their masters. However, the good masters are only interested in the work of their slaves—nothing else.

What happens over time? Immigrant neighborhoods grow: more immigrants come, some start to bring in their family members, some start new families… There are children being born into these neighborhoods… These children grow up on these ‘islands’ not knowing about the sea surrounding them. At some point, these children have to sail out into the sea, i.e., they have to go to school.

This is the point where the ‘Dutch’ realize they have a ‘problem’ on their hands: these children do not know Dutch; they don’t know the ways of the people. The teachers don’t know how to handle these children, because they don’t know about these children. These children are like ‘aliens’ in the classrooms: they look different, they talk different, they act different. They come from a different culture. These children are referred to as ‘second generation’. They were born in the Netherlands, but at least one of their parents comes from another country.

Just stop and think for a second and put yourself in these children’s shoes. How would you feel?

I will tell you how I would feel. I would immediately start looking for safe ground. If the teacher does not understand what I say and does not make an effort to understand me, I would immediately take a dislike to the teacher and to the school system in general. The ‘natives’ would be like aliens to me and I would steer as far away from them as possible. I would try to share my experiences at home, but they would not have a clue of what I would be going through and could not even begin to help me deal with my problems at school and how to bridge the language gap. Because you see, my parents don’t speak the language… I would look for friends who would be like me and who would understand me. Friends who felt as torn inside as I do: with nobody really understanding what we were going through–neither family nor society… Eventually, we would start to loathe the ‘natives’ and family who do nothing to understand us, yet continue to demand that we understand and obey their ways—and punish us when we don’t. We would start to think why we have to do what we are told to do. What could be OUR way of dealing with life? Eventually, we might even consider rebellion…

Is it a surprise then that there are a lot of ‘problematic’ youth gangs in the Netherlands?

Is it a surprise that this ‘second generation’ youth is out of control and they drop out of school in big numbers?

Is it a surprise that this ‘second generation’ youth does not speak Dutch like the ‘Dutch’? Is it because their mother tongue is creating a barrier and preventing them to integrate into the Dutch culture and language? Do they really have an accent or have they DELIBERATELY developed an accent to stand apart from the ‘natives’?

The bilingual research says children are perfectly capable of acquiring two languages–even though the languages are not learned at the same time. Moreover, there is evidence that children who speak two languages have higher intellectual capacity compared to children who speak only one language. So what is the ‘problem’ with these children in this country?

I think the ‘problem’ lies with the ‘Dutch’ themselves. They like to point their fingers at ‘others’ without pointing it at themselves. They need to turn the tables around and try to understand these children and where they are coming from. They need to make them feel at home. What these children need is understanding, compassion, and love. These children are not here because of their own choice. They are here because the ‘Dutch’ needed their parents to work for them. They are not aliens from another planet. They are children and they are smart children, who just don’t happen to have it easy…

Given the scientific evidence that even the IQ of a child cannot be properly determined before they are 5 years old (and even then the tests can be misleading), starting to test their language at 3 years of age is an unfounded and arbitrary decision.

Instead, give them an ear and listen to them. Show some compassion. Love them.

I think that’s all they need: when they are children… Once they grow up, it may be too late. And giving language tests to THEIR children (so-called the ‘third generation’) is definitely not going to solve the problem…

Unfortunately, I suspect that at this point in time, both the ‘Dutch’ and the ‘immigrants’ have run out of compassion, love, and understanding for each other. The ‘Dutch’ just want all the ‘immigrants’ to go back home. Is that plausible? Where is home NOW for these ‘immigrants’ who came and settled here decades ago?

Just stop and think for a moment…

Helpful Links:

  1. VVD wil verplichte taaltoets voor peuters
  2. Allochtoon
  3. Gastarbeider

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Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

Apparently, all is not going as smooth as I had hoped for. In fact, it is getting worse with every day of preschool!

My two-year-old daughter (DD2) started preschool two weeks ago. Our first two days were a huge success – I was hanging around and left her by herself for only 15 minutes the first day and 45 minutes the second day. She did not cry at all. She was happy as a bee, but things started to go downhill on the third day when I started to leave with the other parents. Since then her crying has continued to increase with every day that we have gone back.

Today was her 7th day and the worst day of crying so far…

The teachers here don’t believe that parents ought to stay to help the child get adjusted. Their philosophy is more like, “Don’t hang around, because it makes it more difficult to say goodbye. Disappear from her sight as quickly as possible. She will cry, but then she will adjust much faster.”

Parents need to drop off their children quickly and not make the situation emotional.

See, I have a problem with this kind of philosophy. However, the way things are here in the Netherlands, I should be grateful that they even let me stay as long as I did in the beginning. Parents are not welcome in the classroom. There are good reasons behind this practice:

  • The child will adjust eventually, even though they may cry.
  • Other children can start crying when they see somebody else’s parent staying behind because they are reminded of the absence of their own parents.
  • It teaches the child to be independent.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers.
  • It teaches the child that the parent comes back in the end.
  • The teachers don’t have outsiders observing them.
  • There is less of a crowd in the classroom.
  • The parents can be a distraction and a nuisance for the teachers.
  • One-size-fits-all recipe: Everybody gets the same treatment.

I believe this practice is not the best approach to raising emotionally healthy kids, because:

  • It teaches the child that her tears (emotions) don’t mean much.
  • It can be a traumatic way to sever the bond between the parent and the child.
  • It teaches the child to learn to trust strangers. (Yep! This can be good AND bad!)
  • It teaches the child that her parent can’t be trusted to stick around in emotionally distressed situations, and thus undermines the trust bond between a parent and a child. (Is this the perfect recipe to breed distrust towards each other in society?)
  • There are more friendly ways to help the transition: the parent and the child can be the judge of when to separate. Most parents know the difference between real tears and ‘crocodile’ tears. It’s just not a good idea to leave a kid alone with real tears. (To teach the child that life is cruel? Life is cruel, but if we want a less cruel society, don’t we need to make a change with the way we raise children?)

I understand why they want to keep parents out of the classroom here. If they decide to involve the parents, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box: in addition to dealing with children, the teachers also have to deal with parents, which can be extremely difficult sometimes. It requires people knowledge and communication skills. Some parents can be real pains in the neck, but some can be of great help, too!

Involving parents would mean differential treatment for every child, which goes against the societal directive here in the Netherlands that everyone is entitled to equal rights. Everyone is entitled to equal rights. It sounds so nice, but it just can’t be. There is a price to pay in order to achieve this. For example, one child’s parent can stay long and the other parent can’t/won’t. So the child whose parent can stay long is punished because the other child’s parent can’t/won’t stay… Because? Everyone is entitled to equal rights! Why should we let some kids be ‘spoiled’ when others don’t have that luxury? So let the kids whose parents can stay behind, cry…—just like the rest.

Even though we all like to have benchmarks about developmental milestones that we can compare our children against and even though in general children follow these developmental milestones, every child is unique. Any parent with more than one child knows this simple truth. What works with one kid, does not work with the other one.

My older daughter was less distressed in new situations when I explained things to her up front, but with DD2 it works the other way around. She gets even more wound up when I try to ‘prepare’ her for what is coming up! After the traumatic week at school, I tried to talk to her about it to ease her frustration and reduce her stress, but it totally backfired. She immediately began to cry and protest school. I held her tight and told her all the nice things about school but that she would have to wait because it was still a few days away. She cried even harder. I decided to drop the subject and steered her attention elsewhere. I tried talking again the next day: to no avail. At that point, I just knew that DD2 was not going to be ‘prepared to go to school’ by talking; she would just have to live through it. What good does it do to her if my talking elevates her stress level and makes her feel as if she is already on her way to school?

So much for our successful beginning in preschool…

I still don’t know what else I can do to ease her transition. The only consolation I have right now is the phone call I just received from the teacher telling me that she is doing okay and has stopped crying.

Read previous post: First day at preschool

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First day at preschool

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Today is a historical day for my daughter 2DD and for me. I am truly proud of both of us! 2DD did not go to daycare nor did she have a babysitter. She was born and bred at home by her mama. There was not one night she spent apart from me. She was very clingy for a long time and would not go to strangers at all. During consultation visits (in the Netherlands, there are no regular visits to the pediatrician for checkup and vaccinations, but instead parents take their children to a ‘consultation bureau’), they noticed how clingy she was to me and advised me to ‘teach’ 2DD to be independent by letting her stay with someone else. I braced myself against this sort of advice, because I was following my instinct and was testing a hypothesis that I had developed over the years. Nonetheless, I would brood over what they had said because, if they were right and my hypothesis and instinct were wrong, then that would mean I was setting up 2DD for a total life of dependency (yikes!). She would never be able to do anything on her own without me. Even the thought of it was enough to give me palpitations, but I persevered :) . And thank goodness I did.

Today was a total success. 2DD is 2 years and 4 months old and when I left her today, she did not shed one tear! I give myself a HUGE pat on the back.

Okay, I confess it did not happen that quickly…

Here is how we pulled it off: 2DD had accompanied me on all three appointments with the teachers. These appointments all took place in her current classroom. During the first two appointments, she sat on my lap the whole time that we were there. Despite my efforts to put her down and have her go down the slide or play with some toys, she was adamant to stick to me. However, the third time we went there, she climbed out of my lap herself and strolled around the classroom. I tagged along and located a wooden stall filled with tiny horses – one of her favorite things. She played with them for about five minutes after which I pulled her away and told her it was time to go.

About roughly one month after that – today!—she went for her real first day.

I had told her during the last weeks a few times that she would be starting school and making new friends. I had no idea how much of that she had registered – until today, that is. When we walked together from home to her school, she herself showed me the main entrance as we approached it. Once we were inside, she knew exactly where we were headed to. She showed no resistance at all. Once we were inside, we did just like everybody else—took off her coat, put on house shoes, etc. — and it all went just fine :) !

I stayed most of the morning with her. During the last half hour of free play, I distanced myself from her and sat in another corner of the room as she played. She called for me several times and I told her to play and that I would sit there for a while. I sat there for 15 minutes as she ran back and forth a few times. After 15 minutes, I got up and told her that I was going to the bathroom and that I would be back. She looked at me gave a little nod and then went back to playing. I came back 15 minutes later to find out that she had not cried a bit and she had kept on playing and even joined a little trip to the bathroom with her teacher and another kid—not to pee, but to have a look!

SUCCESS!!! First day at preschool and not ONE tear shed.

Congratulations to 2DD and proud me!

If people tell you that the first day of school is always stressful and full of tears, here is my cup of cake for them:

  • Timing and preparation is everything. Make sure to prepare children for any pre-planned, scheduled event, because any change in their daily lives will cause a certain level of stress. (Think of it this way: when something new is coming up—a new job, a big party, moving, etc.—even adults get stressed!)
  • The parent has to learn to control their own feelings about the issue: keep a cool head and attitude and stay relaxed at all times. If the parent is having a hard time separating with the child, you can be certain that that child’s stress level will be multiplied by at least a factor of 2.
  • Don’t compare your child’s situation with other children’s situation. Even though we like to talk about what needs to happen ‘normally’, keep in mind that every situation and every child is unique. Respect that uniqueness.
  • Some crying is okay and is healthy, don’t try to prevent it or don’t worry about it. However, follow up on it. If your child is crying more than five minutes after you leave him, then something is definitely not right. Investigate. If your child’s crying is not showing signs of lessening after two weeks of school, then something is again definitely not right. Definitely investigate.
  • Learn to trust your child and to trust yourself. We are all human beings and every one of us has different needs. Respect your children’s emotional needs. You are all they have at the beginning of their journey on this planet.

Read the next post: Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!

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Is it okay to co-sleep with my baby?

Monday, March 1st, 2010

It depends! Ask this question in China and see how people react. Ask this question in the western hemisphere and the ground remains divided between advocates of co-sleeping and separate sleeping. When I had my first child (9D), I lasted exactly 40 days before I surrendered and took her to bed with me against my mother’s heavy protests.

Being a first time inexperienced mother, I had been working fulltime until the day I delivered; I had no idea (non whatsoever!) about having babies! I had not had time to read up on anything. My plan was to learn as I went along and I didn’t think it would be difficult when my mother had so generously offered her help for the first three months. She would be the perfect coach for me. After all, she had raised me and my siblings and we were okay (I now wonder what kind of person I would have been, had I been allowed to co-sleep with my parents… Well, I guess I will never know :) ). Anyways, my mother had her own ideas about how to put a baby to sleep and co-sleeping was not one of them. My mother’s typical outbursts to my insistence on co-sleeping were somewhere along these lines: “Are you out of your mind? You may roll over and kill her in your sleep! She is so tiny and you don’t know what you are doing when you are asleep! Is this really the right thing to do?”

At the time, I did not have much to say except to steel myself against all the remarks, but now I want to say: “Really? How many times have YOU rolled over and fell out of your bed or rolled over and found yourself on top of your partner in the morning? I, personally, have an exceptional ability to know where my bed ends when I sleep and I have never fallen out of my bed in my entire life. I had a feeling that I could also extend that ability and use it to prevent rolling onto my baby when I slept. And guess what? I was right! Both my children are still alive :) ”

And then there was the pediatrician… As every responsible parent knows, sleep is one of the topics of discussion at every pediatrician visit (at least in the U.S.). Although 9D’s pediatrician did not approve of co-sleeping, she was not against it until 9D turned one. And then I received (again!) strong advice, this time from 9D’s pediatrician to employ Ferber’s method. I never understood what was so magical about turning one year old that required the baby to start sleeping on their own. If anything, it sounded like a bad first birthday present! Long story short, it did not work with my baby. After five days’ of torture guess what happened! I gave up (one more time!) and took her back to bed with me. :)

There are strong advocates of both separate sleeping and co-sleeping in the western hemisphere: the so-called Ferber’s method, a pretty mechanical way to teach babies to sleep on their own; and the co-sleeping method, which allows babies to sleep with their parents. Both methods are used by many parents. Co-sleeping method is probably more widespread around the globe if we include the eastern cultures (most of which have not even heard about separate sleeping) and closet-parents like myself who begin to lie to pediatricians because I was incapable of employing Ferber’s method successfully and was tired of all the sleep talk in the doctor’s office! (There are more of you out there like me, right?)

Of course, my experience does not mean that Ferber’s method is useless. In fact, I have read and heard of many stories where parents and children sleep happily ever after (or were some of them closet-parents like me?). It just does not work with everyone. Ferber’s method is mechanical, requires consistency and sticking to schedules. If your life does not move around the clock, I have a hunch that Ferber’s method may not work since any change in schedule may (and probably will) require you to start the training all over again. If your first instinct to your baby’s cry is to go and cradle him in your arms, then Ferber’s method is definitely not for you. There is also no real science behind this method and no scientific evidence to show that this is the best way to put babies to sleep. It does not sound much more different than an old wives’ tale to me (not that I don’t rely on them sometimes!), except the fact that this tale has been told by Pediatrician Richard Ferber, the director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital in Boston. Sometimes we let the authority figures talk us into doing strange things. Nonetheless, I recently read that even Ferber has adjusted some of his stricter rules.

What about co-sleeping? Co-sleeping requires no training, no schedules, and is relatively effortless. It has been practiced by parents for thousands of years. The Japanese parents sleep like a ‘river’: with both parents being river banks and the child being the water running in the middle. How poetic! Despite my mother’s worries of me rolling over and suffocating my baby, cases of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) occur LESS with co-sleeping! Apparently, the baby learns to regulate breathing and heart beat during sleep from their parents. It turns out that the parent can help the baby and put them out of harm’s way faster if they sleep together (e.g., in case of fire, it may be too late by the time parents get to the baby’s room or in the case of kidnapping). As an added plus, breastfeeding mothers do not have to get up in the middle of the night for feeding, they can learn to do it in bed!

Co-sleeping is natural for the baby, but requires the adult to learn to sleep with a baby whereas Ferber’s method tries to teach the BABY to sleep like an adult. (However, if my husband could do it, I say, EVERYONE can do it! :) ) There are drawbacks to sleeping with a baby: you will never sleep like a baby! Co-sleeping has to be done responsibly. This means you have to go to bed with a clear head (no alcohol, no drugs, etc.) so that you will know what is happening even when you are sleeping. Soft beds, fluffy pillows, electrical blankets and smoking should be eliminated from the bedroom.

Sleeping is a strange activity. Think about it: we all need to sleep for almost half the day. In the end we spend almost one third of our total life span in sleep. Some babies sleep easily and some don’t. Learning to fall asleep takes time. It is a skill to master to switch our brain from emitting beta waves to alpha waves to theta waves.

Keep in mind that every baby is unique and there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ method to help your baby fall asleep. Learn about different options and in the end do what feels right for you and your baby.

Helpful links:

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