“Mama! Mamaa!! Mamaaa!!! … Crocodile! Crocodile!” whimpers my two-year-old, DD2, as tears swell up in her eyes. “Here!!! Crocodile! Mamaa!!!”
Her fear is real. She SEES a crocodile. Is there REALLY a crocodile? I don’t SEE one, but does that mean there is no crocodile?
What can I do?
I could deny her claim and try to prove my point by ‘showing’ her that there is nothing to see. But if it’s I who can’t see the crocodile and she is the one who sees it, how can I make her ‘unsee’ what she claims to see? How can I make her crocodile disappear?
Denial is usually not the best approach, because it rarely works. As a general rule of thumb, never deny a child’s claims as it can be interpreted in one or more of the following ways:
- “Mom does not believe me!”
- “Mom thinks I’m lying…”
- “Mom can’t help save me from this crocodile, because she can’t see it!”
- “I don’t believe Mom!”
- “Mom is lying… She is just as scared as I am, but she won’t admit it.”
So what works? The expert advice revolves around the following:
- Acknowledge the fear in a neutral way – no putdowns, no overreactions.
- Talk about it.
- If it gets out of hand, ask for professional help.
This advice sounds nice and everything, but it’s not so effective when it comes to dealing with toddlers. Why? First of all, talking to a toddler is overrated. Second of all, parental creativity is underrated—in fact, it’s hardly ever mentioned.
Here is the story of my fierce battle with the crocodile:
Our crocodile first appeared when DD2 was taking a bath in her tub filled with a whole bunch of water toys. I didn’t see ‘it’ coming. It all happened very quickly. All of a sudden, DD2 started shrieking and tried to jump out of her tub. At first, I thought she must have hurt herself, although I couldn’t see how. She was absolutely t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. Then I had the wits to ask her what it was and she let out a wail, “Crocodile! In the water! Crocodile!” Upon hearing this, I kept my cool and started taking out all the toys from the tub to ‘show’ her that there were no crocodiles, which of course, proved useless. She just kept on screaming and became so agitated that she started flailing all arms and legs. I was quickly losing control of the situation and I screamed for my husband to help me get her out of the tub.
The next night, she would not get in the tub. I even emptied the whole tub in front of her and told her, “Look the crocodile is going away with the water.” There was no point in reasoning with her. According to her, the crocodile was not going anywhere.
Needless to say, DD2 has not yet taken another bath in her tub again. The crocodile had sabotaged the peaceful, fun filled baths that were also part of our bedtime routine. See how many problems just one invisible crocodile can create? 1. Fearful kid, 2. Kid won’t take a bath, 3. Bedtime routine interrupted… So help me God!
I let the matter rest a few days and did not wash her. However, I was determined to make bathtime enjoyable again and I had a brilliant idea: we were going to blow bubbles. I took her shopping with me and let her buy a new bottle of shampoo and a bottle of bubbles to blow. I told her we were going to blow bubbles in the bathroom. I did not fill the tub; instead, I let her sit on her step stool and gave her the showerhead, which made her very happy. We blew some bubbles and then I washed her. At some point, she did mention the crocodile, but I told her that it would be going down the drain with the water. We waved goodbye as it went down the drain…
Alas, my victory was short-lived. A few days later, the crocodile was on our bed—not under the bed like where they are supposed to be…
Again, I was caught off-guard. We were getting nicely settled in the bed with a book (we co-sleep), when all of a sudden DD2 froze. She was holding her breath as her eyes opened wide and large. Her gaze was fixated on a particular spot on the bed. The croc was in our bed.
I have to tell you here that until then DD2 had not seen crocodiles in her entire life—except in picture books. I have neither told her frightening stories about crocodiles nor threatened to feed her to the crocodiles. In fact, crocodiles are hardly ever mentioned in our household, so I have no idea how she could have conjured up an image of a fearsome crocodile—and that is, if she is making it up… Some people do say kids can see what adults can’t see…
Anyways, back to how I beat the invisible beast that crept into our bed… After I got over my initial shock, I had to think really fast to prevent the situation getting out of hand. The bathroom episode was still painfully fresh in my memory… Fight or flight? Fight, of course. I made a dash for the first weapon that came into my sight: the badminton rackets.
I started whacking the bed while I shooed away the crocodile. I like to think DD2 was so impressed by my bravery that she decided to join my cause. I kept telling the croc that it had to go sleep in its own bed at its home. After a few minutes, we both started laughing as we continued to beat the beast. It was almost as if we were fighting a boggart and chasing it away with the ‘Riddikulus’ charm…
It did go away that night. However, it kept coming back and I could feel my trick losing its power. I could not fight an invisible crocodile. Sometimes she was even waking up and crying in the middle of the night saying that it was there. Besides, engaging in the whack-a-beast activity was not exactly conducive to sleep. What was I to do?
It was around this time that I read the advice on the internet about how to deal with a toddler’s fear of crocodiles. I had done everything they had told me to do: acknowledge the fear, talk about it, etc. Was asking for professional help the only option left for me? Oh, no. I was not ready to take a professional’s advice over mine. Not just yet.
The following night when the croc came around, I totally changed tactics. I was not going to revert to ‘fight or flight’ strategy, but instead I decided to ‘tend and befriend’ the beast. So, instead of running for the badminton rackets, I invited the croc to come lie down with us and listen to the book we were going to read. Naturally, my reaction startled DD2. The element of surprise won over her fear. Not wanting to lose my advantage, I told the croc that it would have to sit quietly and then go to its own bed after listening to one page. I asked DD2 if that was okay. She nodded in approval. Yes! I was ecstatic, but kept my cool, of course. We proceeded likewise for a couple of weeks, but there came a night when DD2 said nothing about the crocodile. The crocodile had finally left us alone!
Our adventure with the crocodile lasted about two months. It was about four months ago that the crocodile crept in bed with us one last time to listen to a story. Since then, DD2 has seen a real crocodile at the zoo, to which she did not show an extreme fearful reaction. In fact, I am happy to observe that a lot of her animal related fears are also slowly subsiding.
I have talked to other parents and heard from them that fears around the age of two seem to be an issue with many children. So, before you decide to ask for professional help, talk to other parents and listen to their stories—of course, coming up with your own creative solution is always an option.
Here is my cup of tea for parents who worry about their young children’s fears:
1. Fear is real. Accept it with respect.
Accept the fact that fear is a part of life. A healthy dose of fear will go a long way protecting young children from getting themselves into dangerous situations. Young children can be fearful of new situations/events/people/animals/foods. This is their way of defending themselves. As they get to know what they are dealing with, their fear should subside and disappear eventually.
2. Get over your own fears. Don’t let your child’s fear worry you.
The last thing a fearful child needs is a worrisome/fearful parent nearby. A child will feel a parent’s worry/fear—just like a dog that smells fear. A parent’s worrisome, fearful reactions will escalate a child’s fear. If you have fear of dogs, the odds are your child will also be fearful of dogs—unless you successfully avoid situations involving a dog encounter.
3. Talk about the fear.
The whole point of talking is for the parent to find out what the source of the child’s fear is. By stating the problem clearly, it is easier to find a solution. Let your child do the talking and refrain from asking questions (or keep your questions very simple). A young child’s mind is very imaginative and just by asking too many questions, a parent may inadvertently ‘feed’ the fear and make it bigger. For example, once I found out that it was a crocodile, I did not ask DD2 any questions about the length of the crocodile or the number of sharp teeth it had.
4. Don’t talk about your own fears.
Your child is not your psychologist. Talking about your fears will overwhelm your young child even more.
5. Talk about solutions.
As a parent, you have to lead the way to coming up with solutions to the problem. However, get your child’s approval in the process. Are you going to fight the beast or befriend him? Does it comfort your child to leave the lights on? Can you help your child make friends with the fear?
If you feel you are not getting anywhere, ask for help from your partner and other parents to give you ideas for solutions.
6. Use distraction.
The timeless solution for dealing with many young children’s emotionally charged situations is distraction. If you feel you are getting in a rut and/or your child is getting frustrated and more fearful, switch to another activity (preferably an activity that you know your child likes).
7. Don’t dwell too much on the child’s fear.
Fears are a part of life. We all have our fears and our children are also entitled to have their own fears. As we go through life, fears come in all shapes and sizes: some go away quickly; some stay with us for a long time.
Dwelling on the fears makes it larger. Fear attracts fear. Have you ever sat around a bonfire and told each other spooky ghost tales? Do you remember how the fear and the suspense grow with every tale that is told? It’s not much different when dealing with your child’s fear. The more you dwell on it, the more it grows.
If you have additional ideas that you would like to share about your child’s fears, please drop me a line. I would love to read your comments.
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