“Cut it smaller!” said our two-year-old daughter, DD2.
“Is this good?” asked the well-meaning, patient dad as he cut a slice of pepperoni in half.
“No, cut it smaller!” whined DD2.
“Even smaller… Like this?” asked dad as he cut the pepperoni into even tinier quarters.
“No, smaller, smaller!” whined DD2 with a higher and more annoying tone of voice.
“Honey, please stop. That’s small enough.” said I, the exasperated mom.
“But sweetheart, I read this article the other day that talked about listening to one’s kids…”
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That article happens to be my previous post … 
Listening to our kids is very important but setting limits is equally important for us and our children. The dangers of listening and then doing as we are told are many. If we ever want to have a good (=peaceful, friendly, enjoyable, thougtful, honest, etc.) relationship with our children, it’s not going to happen if we only listen to them and do their bidding. Of course, we can listen and NOT do their bidding…
Listen or not to listen? The answer is simple: to listen. So that’s not the problem. To do or not to do as we are told by our children is the real problem. Fortunately, there IS a middle way, which is extremely difficult to reach. We will move from one extreme to another like a pendulum until we find that peaceful medium. This dance between the extremes and finding the balance is what I call the ‘art of parenting’.
What’s wrong with doing what we are told to do? Nothing. It’s a matter of choice and our choices are largely influenced by:
a) our character/personality;
b) our experiences with our own parents;
c) cultural influences;
d) our immediate mood.
I have seen a vast array of parents ranging from those who try to do everything for their children to those who are content observing their children.
We need to set aside all the factors that shape our choices and tune into ‘the moment of struggle’. Our kids are different; times are different; situations we find ourselves in are different. Even though there may be similarities, if we put everything together (person + time + place + event), we ALWAYS end up with a unique situation.
This does not mean that there are no guidelines for the parent to be a parent. After all, we ARE the parents—the grownups—and even though at times it seems like our kids DO run our lives and our household, we need to keep the following in mind.
1. A kid does not run the household.
Who cleans the house? Who does the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishwashing, the ironing, the cooking, etc.? Who takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick? Who earns the money to pay for all the food, the clothing, the home, the games, the toys, the holidays, the techno gadgets? Yes, you guessed right. WE, the PARENTS do!!!
The parents are in charge and they are the ones taking care of the kids. We, as parents, already do a whole lot of stuff for our kids without them even asking for it! So chill, if you feel guilty you didn’t get the itouch that your kids wanted so badly from you. They will live.
2. Set YOUR limits.
Think of limits as a field of tall grass. The grass bows to the wind in order to keep its peaceful existence. A strong wind may flatten the grass as long as it lasts, but as soon as the wind is gone, the grass raises itself once more gracefully—unharmed. Our children are our wind: sometimes a breeze, sometimes a hurricane.
Planting a field of tall grass and then taking care of it so that it does not wither away are not easy tasks, but they’re important. It gives us—the parents—and our children a nice playing field.
Just like every child being unique, every parent is unique. Thus, every parent has a different idea of what kind of field they would like to plant: how big it will be, what kind of grass to plant, how often to trim the grass, etc.
We reach, what I call, our ‘boiling point’ when we neglect our field of grass and our dear wind starts to wreak havoc on our crops, i.e., when we let things slide and let our kids push our (their) limits. Our household starts brewing like a witch’s cauldron: we get frustrated and/or angry and scream at our children; in return they scream back at us; we wonder where we went wrong and how our dear little angels turned into such spoiled brats.
We need to set our own limits with our own children – not the neighbor’s limits. (We got these extremely cute polka-dotted wooden clogs for DD2. She loves thomping around the house in those clogs, but after about 5 minutes of tock-tock-tock-clickety-clock, I have enough. The first day, after 10 minutes of toleration, I blurted out inadvertently, “Sweetie, it’s too much noise for the neighbors. Take the clogs off.” My husband joined forces with me and our DD2 stomped even harder. Oops!!! Our household just reached the ‘boiling point’: she protested loudly, I got even more frustrated, my husband joined my frustration. First of all, why did I tell her about the neighbors? The neighbors had not complained—yet. It was I—the mama—who was annoyed! Who knows whether the neighbors were even at home or not? Maybe our neighbors’ noise tolerance is way more than 10 minutes… I don’t know! What I know is my own limit, but I was not paying attention to that until the noise was getting totally on my nerves and even then I had to use the neighbors as an excuse… The next morning, when DD2 headed towards her beloved clogs, my husband tried to create a new rule in the house and announced that the clogs were not to be worn inside because the noise could disturb the neighbors—again the not-yet-complaining neighbor’s limits were being enforced… Our pendulum just swung from 10 minute toleration to 0 minute toleration. Ding dong! You know what I mean? Our solution: let her walk around a bit—not more than 5 minutes!—and then tell her to walk barefoot. Limit set, kid happy, parents happy.)
One last note on setting limits: set your limits so that you still have enough patience or tolerance to deal with any setbacks the wind may blow in your direction.
3. Listen to yourself, listen to your kid.
Setting limits is a tricky business and you will discover that it is a process that keeps changing and evolving over time. Some limits will be discarded naturally whereas some may stick around and some will have to be changed.
A child’s growth rate is much faster than that of the parent’s, which presents an interesting challenge for the parent. Our job as a parent is to be one step ahead of the game if we don’t want to find ourselves in situations where we feel like we want to smack our kid.
The key to successfully managing our ever-changing interaction with our kid is to listen. Listen to our own inner child AND listen to our kids. Understand where everybody is coming from and come up with a win-win solution. This requires mindful thinking, patience, understanding, honesty, and good communication skills. Like I said, it is no small feat!
4. Preserve the dignity of every household member.
It is important to preserve the dignity of each and every household member when we are setting limits and protecting our boundaries. Even though children may seem ‘childish’ and behave as if they don’t understand any of the stuff that is happening, it is important we show them the respect that they deserve as human beings. And as parents, we are not to be our children’s slaves, but their guides and beacons in life. Make sure that you set your limits in a way that does not take away your dignity. This way your children will always respect you for being who you are.