Mother considered that a moment, then got up, went to her wardrobe chest, and opened the bottom drawer. She rooted about inside, finally pulling out a carefully folded wrapping cloth. Sitting again, she unfolded it: it was a beautiful patchwork cloth with a green border enclosing a checkerboard of dozens of little rectangles and squares—red, yellow, gold, green, brown, blue, and black.

“You see these?” She pointed out a half dozen of the black rectangles, scattered randomly across the checkerboard. “I added these on the day my mother died, many years ago, because that was my mood that day. There is no pattern to where I placed them, as there is no sense to be made of death. One’s eye may not go to them first, but next to them the blues look bluer, the reds richer, the golds more brilliant. Without them the cloth is pretty, but without character or contrast.”

“Yes,” I said quietly. “I see.”

excerpt from Honolulu (2009) by Alan Brennert

When I read this, I felt the truth of these words reverberate deep in my bones.

Lately, I have been thinking about all the happiness wishes that we generously bestow upon each other on birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc. When I was pregnant, I wished for a happy, healthy baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes who would grow up with both parents in wealth and prosperity—and so did my friends and everybody else in my family. Who wishes it to be otherwise?

However, things are not always rosy in life.

There is nothing wrong with making a ‘good’ wish, but when it does not materialize… What does it mean? Did I not make a wish from the bottom of my heart? Or do I not deserve to be granted my wish? Or does God play dice with our lives?

When something ‘bad’ happens, then what? Am I being punished? Or were there not enough ‘good’ wishes made for me? Or was it my fault?

When I was agonizing over the unfortunate events that befell me, a friend of mine recommended a book to me: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner. I was happy that somebody finally had an answer for me! And yes, I presume to be a ‘good’ person Anyways, to cut a long story short, the book did not answer all of my questions. Since then, I have been grappling with this question and looking at other people’s lives…

And then, of course, there is all this new age stuff that talks about ‘Positive Thinking’ or the ‘Law of Attraction’. So in a way, I must have attracted all those unfortunate events because of my ‘faulty’, ‘negative’ thought patterns… Okay, I confess, maybe partly so

But then, can someone explain to me all those innocent babies born into poverty or physical disability? Did their negative and faulty thoughts in the womb (or before the womb–if you believe in reincarnation) materialize when they were born???

In Alan Brennert’s book, when her mother explained to Jin (who was named ‘Regret’ at birth, because she was not a boy) why she put the black rectangles on the patchwork cloth, something hit home with me. That was it! This was a beautiful and poignant answer to my question. So, thank you Alan for putting it so eloquently!

Honolulu is the story of a Korean picture bride in the early 1900s. It is a story of oppressions: oppression of Korean women by their husbands and families, oppression of Koreans by the Japanese, oppression of immigrants and local Hawaiians by the White ‘masters’—called the “Big Five”.

Despite the dismal aspects of an oppressed life, Alan does a wonderful job of weaving a story of perseverance, endurance and hope.

That’s what life is about, I guess: The good and the bad together. Just like night and day, just like laughter and tears, just like birth and death, just like yin yang. Both good people and bad people get their share of good things and bad things in life.

If there were no darkness, we would never appreciate light. But then, it is the presence of light that makes darkness a ‘bad’ thing. Imagine if we all lived in the dark and never knew sunlight… Because we would not know otherwise, we would continue to live in darkness without seeking light. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s what happens with people who are depressed. Having been there and done that, I know how difficult it is to get out of that big, black hole. “What’s the point?” I used to ask myself, because I could not see any light.

Yet that is what life is about—with all its ups and downs. There is definitely thunder and rain sometimes, but also sunshine afterwards… And, I must say, even sunshine gets hot and boring if it lasts too long