Having a middle-schooler on my hands, suddenly I find myself in uncharted territory. There was a time when I used to be good at empathizing with older kids (Was that because it was so long ago that I myself was an older kid or was it because I have become too much of a parent after having kids – who knows?) Now I am baffled and half the time speechless as to what to do or how to behave in order to carry on a peaceful and meaningful relationship with my 11-year-old daughter.

Surely I am not the only one with this predicament, so I fish around for books. There are so many! Which one to read in my precious little time? How to Hug a Porcupine by Julie A. Ross was the winner of my jackpot.

She has some great advice in her book. The book is easy to read, her suggestions are easy to understand and practical, and she has great examples.

She describes the middle schoolers as hormonal, disorganized, and defiant. I totally agree. As if the sheer effect of hormones wreaking havoc on this age group is not enough, they have to deal with constant change in their physical bodies (as well as watching their friends transform physically into something else). On top of this, they have to learn to deal with their expanding mental abilities AND keep up with schoolwork AND keep up with increasing responsibilities around the house AND keep up with the growing expectations of people for them to start behaving like an adult. Wow! Typing it out like this already makes me feel nauseous! In short, it is very natural for a middle schooler to be hormonal, disorganized, and defiant. Who wouldn’t be?

Julie says, “Anticipate earthquakes. Say to yourself: ‘This is normal and to be expected.’” (p. 3)

Thus, it becomes crucial to be respectful towards our middle schoolers. It is just not the parents who are in uncharted territory: the kids themselves are there right alongside us. The kids are going through this period where they have to break out of their cocoons and transform into butterflies. They were caterpillars under our wings and now they have to learn to spread their own wings. No small feat…

Sometimes, it can be hard for a parent to be a bystander as their kids struggle to find their way. This is the predicament of most overprotective parents. We have to give our children the time and space they need to learn to fly. If you help a butterfly out of its chrysalis, it won’t be able to fly. It is the battle to break free that makes the butterfly fly.

Listening and understanding must accompany respectful communication with our children. They need to know we are there for them, but we have to be careful not to step on their shoes. It takes a lot of skill to find the middle way between being overprotective and being overly permissive. For example, some parents take it personally upon themselves to make sure their child turns in a perfect homework, but is that homework for the parent (this is what a friend of mine asked me when I was extending too much help on homework to curb the whining of my 5^th grader!!!)? An example for the overly permissive parent would be that parent who gave $600 pocket money to a 5^th grader going on a school field trip … What would a 5^th grader do with that much money on a school field trip???

Having said all that, Julie emphasizes that, “Understanding our middle schooler does NOT mean we are condoning misbehavior or rudeness” (p. 84).

In her book, Julie has excellent discussions on how to communicate with our kids. She gives examples about ‘communication blocks’. My personal two favorites are ‘advising’ and ‘placating’ communication blocks.

1. An advising parent would sound something like, “Next time, you should…” or “Well, what you need to do is go back to her and explain that…” Apparently when middle schoolers hear this kind of talk, what they think is along these lines: “I never do anything right.” Or “What happens is all my fault.”
2. A placating parent would sound something like, “Oh, honey. You’re beautiful/talented/smart no matter what she/he said about you.” And the middle schooler would be thinking, “Mom/Dad doesn’t understand me.” Or “Mom/Dad is lying.” (p. 84)

My best take from her book is the idea of family meetings. “They comprise a short amount of distraction-free time that you set aside weekly to be together as a family. They give you the opportunity to discuss values and other relevant issues, to make decisions, to problem solve, and to reinforce a sense of ‘family community’ in an emotion-neutral zone” (p. 69).

We are getting on with these meets every other week now. We have done 2 meetings so far. When I first put the idea on the table, my daughter resisted big time. (What would we talk about anyway?) My husband and I decided to give it a festive flair and to keep it simple to wear down resistance. After all, it was important that the children understood that these gatherings were not about preaching them, but hearing them out and discussing issues related to our family and values. Thus, our first meet had non-alcoholic champagne and 3 different types of cookies and we talked about why we were thankful to have each and every one of us in our family. During the second one, we extended our discussion to include the best and the worst moments we had during our week. I am planning to build it up eventually. The kids are taking it really well )

Thank you Julie for the great idea!

Related posts:

• How to establish healthy relationships?
• Listening to our children
• About this emotional life: Happiness/Intimacy

Note: This article is my personal opinion. I have no monetary gain of any kind from promoting this book nor do I have any kind of personal affiliation with Julie A. Ross.